- Gender and Relationships»
- Separation & Divorce
How to Have Cordial Relationships with Your Ex
A Few moments of Venting
I'll give you 15 minutes to scream at
the top of your voice as to why if
that *&^%^ was on fire you wouldn't
waste a bucket of urine.
Get as angry as you want, and list
every fault, evil, and reason why
you can never .....
And when you take a breath I'll tell you why you have to let it all go.
Definitions are useful
This is you EX. This person is OUT of YOUR LIFE. Out. So why does the mere mention set you off into hysteria? HMMMMMM?
When you have an Ex this means it is all over. You have moved on. Focus on the fact you Moved On. No need to rehash, relive or repeat. We all know all the details already. It is like a T.V. show that went off the air. Why are you discussing it?
It is Over. It is Done. And Shut the T.V. and move on.
Take A Breath
There is no need to walk around with a mountain of anger and resentment. Put it down. Let it all go, and relax.
Start with a blank slate.
This person, this EX. This is not your anything. This is just another person. This person means nothing to you. Can not hurt you, effect your life, or what they do matters. They are no more than an 'extra' in your movie.
Once you can fully grasp the fact that whatever happened last year, or last decade is to stay there, you can move on. If you have to, dig a hole, and symbolically bury the relationship.
So that person over there is no more to you than anyone else.
If your EX shaves his/her head, marries a frog, dresses in strings, So What? If you don't say anything, no one will know, (who doesn't already know) that this is your EX.
Further try NOT TO KNOW anything about your EX.
Let It All Go
Until you let it all go, that person still controls you. I can think of people who talk about there Ex as if the ink hasn't dried on the Divorce Decree when it was Granted a quarter of a century ago.
This person is not Divorced. This person is still waiting for the EX to come HOME. Hence this is not a real Ex. So this person has never moved on. Never stopped being the spouse of the other, despite the intervening years and the intervening relationship the Other has.
This is the biggest mistake you can make.
You must quickly move on, even if it means meaningless relationships, even if it means travel, whatever it is, MOVE ON with your life.
Hi! How Are You? Bye.
The first conversation after the
split will be a bit discomforting.
Keep it light, bright and short.
Smile a lot, and feel nothing.
Yes, this might not be easy, but do it anyway.
Light, (meaning nothing deep, nothing that matters.)
Bright, (meaning you sound happy)
Short, (meaning you don't go into details about anything).
Many times the Ex will try to get a rise out of you, try to Prove that the Love
is still there.
How can the Ex do this if you are gushing about the Olympics or some Political
situation? You chose the topic and don't let it be diverted.
"Hi," Says the EX.
"Oh Hi! Great to hear from YOU!" (Ex doesn't expect this).
"Um I just called to see how you are."
"Oh I'm fabulous! My roses just won first prize! I was so surprised I thought...(blah blah blah)"
This is not what the EX is expecting.
As you Gush be bathed in happiness.
Then, if in any way shape or form there is some hint of attitude, you've got to run.
By controlling that first encounter, be tn face to face or phone, you will feel in control.
How do you do this?
You fill your mind with happy conversation, with retelling something in the most
positive light, and you be happy while you're doing it.
You don't think about everything that *&^&* did to you. You don't think about how much you would like to see that ^%^&*( drawn and quartered. You think about your Roses. (Or whatever your topic is).
The First Step is the Doozy
Once you have that first light, bright and short conversation with your Ex the next encounters must become easier. You've already proven you can hold a conversatio without bloodshed. The next meetings are as light and bright and maybe a little bit longer.
You talk about what you want.
Don't let your EX control the conversation or make it serious.
No matter what.
Many EXs can't deal with the fact you are no longer insanely in love.
That the power s/he had to hurt you is gone.
That you can bubble with your Ex the same way with a waiter, a salesman, a clerk,
because in your life, your Ex is no more, and possibly less important than those
people who have use.
If you let your Ex make you angry, or cry, you should go on a diet of tepid water
and stale bread for the next two days. And then, you will start again.
Light, Bright and Short.
Don't change your program. Ignore anything that is said which tries to provoke emotion.
Don't hear it, and move away; "I have to go..." and say it happy.
This person CAN NOT HURT YOU.
As Time Goes By....
Eventually, by playing the role of happy and disconnected you will believe it, you will live it, and this person will truly be your EX.
You can talk to, email, even have coffee with this person, without feeling the slightest sentimentality or regret.
This means that you really have let go. That this person really is your EX.
As time continues to march you've got other people and places and things
in your world. The Ex is someone you used to know; not sung with remorse
or melancholy but indifference.
You were in First Grade with.... You used to live next door to ....
You used to be with EX.... You used to use that Tomato Sauce.....
So there's no reason to activate feelings, no reason to remember.
And you can be as polite and easy with your Ex as you are when being
introduced to your co-worker's sister.