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How to Increase Desire and Relationship Intimacy

Updated on September 2, 2019
Mary Merriment profile image

I have learned a great deal about cognitive therapy techniques as a way to make changes in my own life.

Intimacy in Relationships
Intimacy in Relationships | Source

For some, and for various reasons, sexual passion and relationship intimacy may weaken over time. For some, it may have never been strong in the first place. Some lose desire towards sexual intimacy due to traumatic or negative experiences, relationship problems, aging, unimportance of relationship intimacy, or attitudes pressed by others that create shame, guilt or revulsion towards sexual intimacy. Sometimes, the expectations of one are so high that their partner can not meet them; leading to dissatisfaction in one or both partners and a decrease in sexual passion. It has been said, that the greatest source of sensuality is at the command of the brain, so for those who have difficulty desiring relationship intimacy, here are some brain exercises that may help to increase desire and sensuality.

Tune into your Senses

Become more aware of the sensations of your surroundings and experiences as a way to increase desire and sexuality. This method is something you can practice during every day experiences. Slow down and admire shapes, colors and lights; notice how they make you feel. Pay attention to the way an object feels against the skin. Notice how sounds create a certain mood in you. Enjoy the flavors of your food and the smells in the air. Being in tune with these sensations helps you to be more connected in the moment and to realize what is pleasurable for you to experience. Experiencing this kind of sensuality can serve to increase desire towards relationship intimacy with your partner as you become in tune with sensations that are aesthetically pleasing for you.

Journal about your Desires

Use a journal to write about positive thoughts, fantasies, activities or interactions of sexual intimacy that are appealing to you. Also write out your personal turn offs, preferences and feelings that are associated with the interactions you have experienced with your partner during relationship intimacy. Writing these thoughts daily in a journal may help you to understand your own cycles, set backs and desires with intimacy; to sort out what interactions would be more pleasant for you to experience; or what interactions may need to be discussed and worked through with your partner in order to make the experience more pleasant for you.

Indulge in Intimate Daydreams

To increase desire, take some time each day to allow yourself to think about intimate interactions in a positive way through daydreaming or fantasizing about intimate activities that are appealing to you. Fantasies are between you and yourself and should not be thought of as an actual act that you are performing at that time. Fantasizing that you and your partner are in some place calm, beautiful or intriguing to you, or that the two of you are portraying different personality types (for instance, seeing the both of you in renaissance times, etc), or to be touched/interacted with differently or fantasizing of more risky or romantic situations may be enough to increase your sensuality in order to improve or broaden your intimate connections and sensuality with your partner.

Explore Sensations with your Partner

To increase desire for relationship intimacy, set up time where you and your partner experience sensuality together without sexual expectations. For instance, for one night, spend time touching each other, but do not touch anything more than the face, shoulders and arms. When you’re ready to do so, add touch to the legs, back and stomach to your interactions. Then move on to doing full body massage, excluding the erogenous zones. The point of this exercise is to be able to enjoy how the giving and receiving of these touches feel, and allowing you to enjoy the sensuality without the pressure of the experience leading to sex. Be sure you are taking turns providing these touches to each other.

Try Safe & Fun Role Playing

Once you feel more comfortable with the above exercises, consider using role playing techniques to act out flirtatious scenes and roles that are appealing and fun for the both of you. This can be a fun way for you and your partner recreate your first encounter or create a new encounter to further serve to increase desire and sexual passion. Doing reverse role plays can serve to help you and your partner see how ones interactions are interpreted by the other, which may also be helpful in improving sexual intimacy with each other.

Discussing your Desires with your Partner

When discussing changes you would like to occur during sexual intimacy with your partner, be sure not to focus on the negatives by stating what all you don’t like about them. Instead, focus on the positive things you do like about them (sexual and non-sexual), then state some of the things you would like to see happen, using phrases like “I would like it if____.” Focusing on the positive aspects your relationship intimacy rather than the negatives is a great way to increase desire and sexual passion.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2011 Mary Roark


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