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How to Increase Your Chances For Sex

Updated on May 9, 2019

Better Your Chances For Sex

It isn't just enough to work on getting a date, or even keeping a date, it is also important that you do everything you can to improve your chances of getting laid, and minimize anything that would work against that! Most of the people I know (including myself) complain about the same things, and those complaints keep us from wanting to have sex with the people who do those things. This is your heads-up.

There is a fine line to walk between making sure that someone knows you are interested in sex, and making someone feel like you expect to have sex with them. The art is to convey that you find them sexually attractive, and at the same time let them know that you aren't actually /expecting/ sex. The first hint that someone feels you think it is a "sure thing", is usually when the other person realizes they have made a mistake. When you are out on a date, it is important to signal to your date that you find them alluring. You can do this by subtly touching them. Please ASK before touching someone. Consent is very important in making people feel safe and comfortable. If they says yes, then you do not want to do this in a way that appears as though you are trying to 'claim' the other person. Be discrete. You may touch someone's arm while speaking with them. You might rub your knee against theirs. It should not be overt at all. You can lean in when they are talking to you so that they can talk in a quieter voice. Make sure you make LOTS of eye contact, and smile while talking. Ask questions about the topic they are discussing, and repeat back some of what they have said IN YOUR OWN WORDS so that they knows you are really interested in what they are saying. This will also allow the other person to feel connected to you through your understanding of what they are saying.

Let's jump to the 'making out' part. Assuming you've come to a quiet place where kissing is totally acceptable, you /never/ want to act or feel like it is a 'sure thing'. This will make them feel skittish, and like you can't be trusted. Make sure you ASK if you may kiss the person. You always want to come off as if you are fully convinced that at every step of the way that /that/ is as far as it is going. You want to make very small moves forward, you want to ask consent, and if 'this' is okay. The other person might ask if you wish to do something, or might initiate it, so be responsive. Each step of the way needs to be a small advance, and in a way that allows for signally between you both. What one of you might not be ready for at one point, might be okay a little while later. It is okay to check in and ask again, as long as it is in a supportive fashion, and not as if you were/are disappointed if the answer is no. We need to feel like we can dictate if something will happen, and that makes us feel safe and accepted. It takes patience on a one person's part to get their partner comfortable, and wait until they are ready. If you act impatient you will blow it. We might want you as riled up as possible, but we also want you to be able to control yourself. Do you ever wonder why women complain that men don't understand what foreplay is? Female hormones sometimes take more time to build up in the heat of the moment, than a man's, and women want to be fully turned on as well, before we are ready to proceed. Women want to reach a place where we no longer WANT to say 'no', and feeling SAFE saying 'no' is a huge step forward towards feeling safe saying yes. Keep in mind that you might not end up having sex the first, or even the first few times that you make out, and if you act even the slightest bit disappointed you will /never/ create the safe space for it to happen. Someone might be emotionally immature in various other ways, but in this way one must be strong or you would end up shooting yourself in the foot over and over again. We all have to learn to take a 'no' graciously. Through this process one would have the best chances to move forward, build trust, and eventually be able to join your partner in bed. It all comes down to one concept: Never take sex for granted. If you make someone feel like you think you are going to get them, that makes most people feel like you think they are an object to be owned, and that you do not view them as an equal, and it will shut them down. Even if you have been together and sexually active a few months, the kiss of death is to treat them like you expect to get it, or that it is completely 'natural' at this point to assume sex is a given. Sex is _never_ a given. This is why most people complain that their partners stop being interested in sex! It doesn't matter how long you have been with someone. We do not like to feel that we are obligated to have sex. It can be an odd process, but people like to feel that sex is spontaneous, not expected, and not an obligation. It shows that you view them as a whole person, and not just a means to an end. You have to show that you are ready for it, but not so much that it looks like you are chomping at the bit for it, or that you are desperate for it. This is a fine balance! Even if you live alone, try to imagine that you want to have sex, but there are people around that you don't want to know about it. So maybe when you come into the kitchen you look around as if to see if anyone is watching, and then grab your partner for a kiss, and then slink back out. This will encourage them to do the same! Think back to how it was to be a teenager and how you didn't know if you would ever have sex for the very first time, or ever again. We don't want you to lose your confidence in your ability, but we do want that same sense of uncertainty about whether or not sex is happening. And if it doesn't happen, it doesn't NOT mean we don't want you. People's hormones simply do not work the same way for every person. Some people can get excited at nearly any time and be ready for sex. Some people think that since women don't need to get hard that they can be ready for sex at any time, but it simply isn't the case. There are mechanisms in a woman's body that need to happen first or sex is absolutely terrible/miserable, no matter how good our partner is. We need to have the sexual tension build, it relaxes the muscles, makes the hormone levels rise, turns on the correct faucets, and only then can we even really consider having sex, and even then sometimes our brain still fights against it. You have to turn on every part of a woman, brain and body both. You don't want to do anything that makes someone self-conscious about what is happening. Everyone needs to feel safe, and not judged, to reach a place of exultation. I once told someone that I find it a complete turn-off when my date acts like they assume we will have sex. I explained to him that if he acts like he expects sex with the people he is out on a date with, it that it will never happen. Little did I know that he took that to heart and applied it in the rest of his life. 15 years later he came to me and thanked me for that bit of advice. He said it had helped him on countless occasions. He said that no matter what, he always let someone say no, and never got upset, and that most of the time they would surprise him and begin moving forward again... because they felt safe and in control of what was happening. Likewise, understand that human beings don't want to feel like we are missing out on something. So graciously allowing someone to say NO allows us to feel safe, and then we do not want to miss out on experiencing something with someone who makes us feel safe! Often giving someone the space and support they need is the sexiest thing you can possibly do.

If you have a specific example that you would like me to talk about, or help you with, please feel free to post a comment, or request a hub (depending upon how detailed you want to be, and how detailed of an answer you want).


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