- Gender and Relationships
How to Increase Your Chances For Sex
Better Your Chances For Sex
It isn't just enough to work on getting a date, or even keeping a date, it is also important that you do everything you can to improve your chances of getting laid, and minimize anything that would work against that! Most of the women I know (including myself) complain about the same things, and those complaints keep us from wanting to have sex with the people who do those things. This is your heads-up.
There is a fine line to walk between making sure that a woman knows you are interested in sex, and making a woman feel like you think she is 'easy'. The art is to convey that you find her sexually attractive, and at the same time let her know that you aren't actually /expecting/ any sex from her. The first hint that a woman feels you think it is going to happen, is usually when she changes her mind. When you are out on a date, it is important to signal to your date that you find her completely alluring. You can do this by subtly touching her. Please ASK before touching her. Consent is very important in making people feel safe and comfortable. If she says yes, then you do not want to do this in a way that everyone can see. You do not want to make her feel like you are trying to 'claim' her for yourself. You can reach under the table and give her knee a squeeze, or just slightly touch her back as you help her through a doorway. It should not be overt at all. You can lean in when she is talking to you so that she can talk in a quieter voice. Make sure you make LOTS of eye contact, and smile at her while she is talking. Ask questions about the topic she is discussing, and repeat back some of what she has said IN YOUR OWN WORDS so that she knows you are really interested in what she is saying.
Let's jump to the 'making out' part. Assuming you've come to a quiet place where kissing is totally acceptable, you /never/ want to act or feel like it is a 'sure thing'. This will make them feel skittish, and like you can't be trusted. Make sure you ASK if you may kiss the person. You always want to come off as if you are fully convinced that at every step of the way that /that/ is as far as it is going. You want to make very small moves forward, you want to ask consent, and if it is okay. The other person might ask if you wish to do something, or might initiate it, so be responsive. Each step of the way needs to be a small advance, and in a way that allows for signally between you both. What one of you might not be ready for at one point, might be okay a little while later. It is okay to check in and ask again, as long as it is in a supportive fashion, and not as if you were/are disappointed if the answer is no. We need to feel like we can dictate if something will happen, and that makes us feel safe and accepted. It takes patience on a one person's part to get their partner comfortable, and wait until they are ready. If you act impatient you will blow it. We might want you as riled up as possible, but we also want you to be able to control yourself. Do you ever wonder why women complain that men don't understand what foreplay is? Female hormones sometimes take more time to build up in the heat of the moment, than a man's, and women want to be fully turned on as well, before we are ready to proceed. We want to reach a place where we no longer WANT to say 'no'. Keep in mind that you might not end up having sex the first, or even the first few times that you make out, and if you act even the slightest bit disappointed you will /never/ have sex. Someone might be emotionally immature in various other ways, but in this way one must be strong or you would end up shooting yourself in the foot over and over again. We all have to learn to take a 'no' graciously. Through this process one will would eventually be able to bed your amazing partner, even where others have likely failed. It all comes down to one concept: Never take sex for granted. If you make someone feel like you think you are going to get them, that makes most people feel like you think they are cheap/easy, and it will shut them down? Even if you have been together and sexually active a few months, the kiss of death is to treat them like you expect to get it, or that it is completely 'natural' at this point to assume sex is a given. Sex is _never_ a given. This is why most people complain that their partners stop being interested in sex! It doesn't matter how long you have been with someone. We do not like to feel that we are obligated to have sex. It can be an odd process, but people like to feel that sex is spontaneous, not expected, and not an obligation. You have to show that you are ready for it, but not so much that it looks like you are chomping at the bit for it, or that you are desperate for it. This is a fine balance! Even if you live alone, try to imagine that you want to have sex, but there are people around that you don't want to know about it. So maybe when you come into the kitchen you look around as if to see if anyone is watching, and then grab your partner for a kiss, and then slink back out. This will encourage them to do the same! Think back to how it was to be a teenager and how you didn't know if you would ever have sex for the very first time, or ever again. We don't want you to lose your confidence in your ability, but we do want that same sense of uncertainty about whether or not sex is happening. And if it doesn't happen, it doesn't NOT mean we don't want you. People's hormones simply do not work the same way for every person. Some people can get excited at nearly any time and be ready for sex. Some people think that since women don't need to get hard that they can be ready for sex at any time, but it simply isn't the case. There are mechanisms in a woman's body that need to happen first or sex is absolutely terrible/miserable, no matter how good our partner is. We need to have the sexual tension build, it relaxes the muscles, makes the hormone levels rise, turns on the correct faucets, and only then can we even really consider having sex, and sometimes our brain still fights against it. You have to turn on every part of a woman, brain and body both. Once our body is hot, you simply have to be careful not to trigger our brain in a bad way! You don't want to do anything that makes us self-conscious about what we are doing. We need our instincts to take over in the same ways that your own do to you. I once told someone that I was dating that I find it a complete turn-off when he acted like we might be having sex. I told him that if he acts like he expects it that it will never happen. Little did I know that he took that to heart and applied it in the rest of his life. 15 years later he came to me and thanked me for that bit of advice. He told me that he had been able to have sex with some women that no one else could get into bed, simply because he knew how to just 'be there' for it. He said it had helped him on countless occasions. Likewise, understand that human beings don't want to feel like we are missing out on something. So graciously allowing someone to say NO actually makes us want you MORE. It has gotten me to change my mind. Being told, 'no worries, we can just do what you want' made me feel safe, and thus want to do more than I had wanted before that was said! Often giving someone the space and support they need is the sexiest thing you can possibly do.
If you have a specific example that you would like me to talk about, or help you with, please feel free to post a comment, or request a hub (depending upon how detailed you want to be, and how detailed of an answer you want).