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5 Tips on How to Play Hard to Get: Relationship and Marriage Advice

Updated on July 15, 2015
Turn the old fashioned tease of playing hard to get to good use by using it as an effective tool to show off your real charm as a lady.
Turn the old fashioned tease of playing hard to get to good use by using it as an effective tool to show off your real charm as a lady. | Source

We have all heard the phrase “playing hard to get.” Usually, it’s part of a speech a mother gives her over-eager daughter who is boy-crazy. Typically the topic is part of a game a girl plays to try to get a guy to be interested in her.

However, pursuing a relationship with “a game” is typically not something that guys find appealing. They can often see right through it and view it as a form of manipulation. The key is to taking useful steps when participating in the technique known as “playing hard to get.”

Be that enticing girl that every guy falls in love with by following the steps mentioned in this article.
Be that enticing girl that every guy falls in love with by following the steps mentioned in this article. | Source

This article is aimed at helping boy-crazy girls who think they are in love. My hope is to help those who use “games” to instead turn them into useful tools that can affect their lives in a positive manner. No one should play with others’ hearts; if a girl wants a chance at a bright future with a decent man, she should follow these productive steps on how to not play games yet still be a little hard to get. Instead, she should be that attractive girl that other girls envy and every guy desires, allowing her a vast choice among suitors to be the love of her life. Note that the word “attractive” implies both inward and outward beauty.

Many girls become needy, desperate, or high maintenance, regardless of how they look in a mini-skirt. For temporary relationships, this works just fine, but guys who are looking for marriage material can usually sniff these types of girls out very quickly and are turned off. That’s why by following the steps provided in this article, a girl can entice a guy to seek her out while fulfilling both his and her desires for a lasting romantic relationship.

Steps on How to Play Hard to Get:

1. Enjoy Being Single
2. Become an Elusive Mysterious Butterfly
3. Become an Ideal Girlfriend
4. Do Not Be High Maintenance
5. Evolve into Marriage Material
Enjoy being single and having fun before you get married; it will make playing hard to get easier if you are busy with the plans of singlehood.
Enjoy being single and having fun before you get married; it will make playing hard to get easier if you are busy with the plans of singlehood. | Source

Enjoy Being Single

Enjoy being single? Wait! Isn’t this article about playing hard to get so that I WON’T be single anymore? Yes, it is. However, the best way to learn how to play hard to get is to learn how to enjoy your singlehood.

If you enjoy being single, playing hard to get will come naturally for you. So, the question is how can you enjoy being single? Well, it may not be the easiest thing in the world to do if you are accustomed to being joined at the hip with a member from the opposite sex or even if you have a dependent personality and aren’t used to doing things on your own.

The easiest way to enjoy being single is to become a social butterfly. An independent woman fits the model of “playing hard to get.” However, not all of us are born with a Type A personality. Some people lack the charisma or charm that is needed to have an active social calendar. Here are a few ideas on how to branch out if you suffer from social anxiety or shyness:

What if you don’t drink or go to clubs?

While many adults do meet this way, it is not the only avenue for adults. As mentioned, there are plenty of other avenues to meet a compatible date. As an example, online dating websites are frequently used; in fact, today 1 in 5 adults aged 25-34 years old use online dating. In 2014, approximately 5% of marriages began with online dating (Smith, A. & Anderson, M., 2015). If you want to be married and are not a party girl, this may be the correct avenue for you.

Online Dating

Would you consider or have you ever used an online dating website?

See results
  • Meet new people or make more friends
  • Go to the social events you are invited to even if they are just on Facebook and even when you do not really feel like getting out
  • The best way to make a life-long friend if you are a teenager or in college is to join a club, fraternity, or sorority
  • If you have a child, there are many organizations you can get involved in that allow you to meet other mothers
  • As a working adult, consider joining professional organizations, community outreach programs, or groups found on Internet sites such as
  • Take an interest in people that maybe otherwise would not be your type. Create a vast array of a different people in your inner circle.
  • Combine volunteer work with networking groups by joining church groups, volunteer organizations, or local online society causes that you believe in
  • Join social networks online like Facebook, Linked-in, Twitter, Stumble Upon, Digg, Reddit, and Red Gage.

What if you suffer from Social Anxiety?

This can be a very difficult problem to overcome. You may want to seek out counseling or a psychiatrist if your social anxiety has become unbearable. Often you have to find just the right hobby, club, organization, or group that you fit into and branch out from there. You may have to “fake it ‘till you make it” when joining a new social group. You never know where you will find your future husband!

Fall in Love and Land on Your Feet Today!

Consider falling in love by using an online dating service. I did! I am happily married to a man I met online who lived only a mile away!
Consider falling in love by using an online dating service. I did! I am happily married to a man I met online who lived only a mile away! | Source

List of Online Dating Sites

Which online dating website have you found to be most useful?

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Do You Lack Independence?

Many people go from their childhood homes with their siblings, friends, and parents straight to college, where they join clubs, groups, sororities and such. They usually then have roommates and make life-long friends. Most girls have never lived alone and have plenty of friends. These girls may find it difficult to be literally “single.” If you fall in this category, you should find ways to go outside your comfort zone, like a book club at the library, reading a book or magazine at your local coffee shop, or joining a volunteer group like Big Brother, Big Sister. If you are dependent on others, you will have a tough time finding a boyfriend, because most men are not interested in needy women.

Once you have made new friends, do fun things with them, even if they aren’t things you would normally enjoy. Sometimes you have step out of your comfort zone to find results. If you enjoy being single, it will make it that much easier to play hard to get. The more friends you have, the busier your social schedule will be, and the busier you are, the less available you are for dating, making you an elusive butterfly!

It can be a blessing to enjoy your bachelor or bachelorette years. You may become more easy going and carefree. This can lead to an increase in the happiness you feel about your dating situation. Do fun things that make you and you alone happy, because once you have a spouse or child connected to you, you must consider them in your decisions – not always a bad thing, but many married individuals will advise you to enjoy being young and/or single. If you want to be married like them one day, follow their advice today. Make memories! It’s okay to do things that make you happy.

Become an Elusive Mysterious Butterfly

An elusive butterfly will make any guy grab a net in order to catch you - the woman of your dreams!
An elusive butterfly will make any guy grab a net in order to catch you - the woman of your dreams! | Source

Think of it this way: Have you ever known someone who wasn’t especially beautiful, but was irresistible to just about any guy within her radius? Sometimes girls are too aggressive, because perhaps they think guys are too shy to make the first move or because they are just “boy crazy.”

To define “boy crazy,” I would say it is a girl or woman who is obsessed or addicted to guys or men. Like any addiction, it can consume a man or a woman. It interferes with all that you do. A girl who lets the thought of wanting a boyfriend consume her would be classified as “boy crazy.”

So, for the girls who learned to not be addicted to guys and became independent instead easily transformed into the elusive butterfly status. An elusive butterfly is one that all the men want; it’s the best way to find a boyfriend that meets the criteria of your list. What girl wouldn’t want to be one? Now, what is the secret recipe to becoming one of these irresistible treats?

It’s not trickery or deception although it may seem that way. If this state of being does not come naturally, think about the first time you had to do something that came unnatural to you like public speaking. Sometimes, the easiest way to get through something like that is to “fake it until you make it.” Act like the person you want to be, and then you will naturally become that person.

The Qualities of an Elusive Butterfly

Lives Independently
Has Fun
Gives Vague Answers
Light Hearted
Smiles a Lot
Flirtatious Attitude
Slightly Distant
Short and Sweet

Note: These qualities should come naturally to the butterfly and the hunter should easily see these traits.

Steps to Becoming an Elusive Butterfly

Step One: Make him ask questions so that he can get to know you better. This is the perfect way to play hard to get. If he has to work to get to know you, it’s that much more exciting when he does! He had to actually work to gain your attention. He will thus value and respect you more than if you just were “easy” to get.

Also, the kinds of questions that a man asks a woman on a date can often indicate what his intentions are. You can tell how much of a commitment he is looking for, how interested he really is in you and in what way he is interested (as a friend, as a girlfriend, as marriage material, or as a sexual conquest).

Step Two: Now that he has asked you many questions, and you have a feel for what kind of relationship he is looking for, you can answer his questions or volunteer information that he has not asked but should have. When answering questions, in order to remain mysterious, don’t provide rambling answers.

Men get preoccupied easily. They often don’t want to talk for hours and hours. When was the last time you overheard or witnessed firsthand a couple of straight men just talking for hours about their feelings? If you want a boyfriend, think before you speak. You can learn a lot more from listening than you can from talking. Keep those wisdom nuggets in mind on your dates.

Another reason to provide vague answers is help men on dates. What does that mean? Many men are nervous on a first date, especially if you have been playing hard to get and they are unsure of your intentions. Sometimes they rehearse in the mirror before they leave for the day what they will say on the date so they don’t freeze up. If you are on a date with a guy like that, give him a break first and foremost. Then, consider helping him out a bit. If he sounds like he has a few rehearsed questions, help him by expanding upon your answer.

Examples of How to Help a Man on a Date with You – Specific Questions that May Come Up

Answer That May Help
Where are you from?
State, City, Places you have lived, Places you have visited, Places you would like to visit
What school did you go to?
Name of schools you have attended, degrees you have, majors and minors you have or wanted, the year you graduated, clubs, sororities, and/or fraternities you attended and why
What do you do for a living?
Your job, any side or part time jobs/gigs you have, volunteer work you do, what you do during the day at your main job, your company and what it does, whether you enjoy your job or not (although try not to overly complain unless it's justified), your 5 or 10 year plan, gossip about your co-workers, your dream job
How many siblings do you have?
Their names, ages, occupations, what it was like growing up, what your current relationship is like with them, names and ages of your nieces and nephews and how close you are to them.
What kind of things do you like to do?
List your hobbies, interests, passions, experiences, dreams, talents, habits, favorite movies and music, places to hang out, and all your other favorites

Note: Consider responding with these same questions after you have answered them. Turning the table shows that you are interested in him and boosts his confidence, which should help him ask even more questions.

Step Three: At this point, you should both be a little more comfortable with each other. As you slowly move into “girlfriend” status, it is important to have rules that you abide by in order to maintain boundaries. These are effective ways to play hard to get, but don’t go overboard, because you need to make sure he understands that you interested in him, despite your behavior.

Don’t quite answer with all the facts. Don’t forget the strategy of less is more. In other words, holding back a little not only protects you in case this relationship does not work out, but it also gives you the opportunity to be elusive and mysterious. Also if you hold back sensitive information in the beginning, you can protect yourself from stalkers or identity thieves.

A Busy Butterfly is Hard to Get

Stay preoccupied and you will break out of your cocoon into a beautiful butterfly by being unattainable to guys who are trying to woo you.
Stay preoccupied and you will break out of your cocoon into a beautiful butterfly by being unattainable to guys who are trying to woo you. | Source

The best way to be mysterious is to become a busy person. This will make you unattainable. Don’t always answer your phone on the first ring. Try not to seem desperate. Also, don’t call or text him right back, and don’t accept dates at the last minute. If you do these things, it seems like you are a bit needy and do not have a life.

This is behavior is an art form though because while this makes you hard to get, it may also make you seem uninterested. Try to be aloof without seeing too uninterested. If he thinks you are not interested in him before he gets to know you, he may give up too soon.

Become an Ideal Girlfriend

At this point, you should have his attention. In order to turn yourself from him dating you to him wanting you as a girlfriend, make him work for you. This isn’t meant to be a game or a con, but you have to realize that it is natural for most people to see that the grass is always greener on the other side.

Become a Treasure that a Man Can't Resist

Nothing is more enticing than a treasure hunt. Men are born hunters and love the challenge!
Nothing is more enticing than a treasure hunt. Men are born hunters and love the challenge! | Source

If he has to work to make you his soul mate, he will view you as a treasure. After all, treasure hunts are fun, and you get a prize at the end. While a person is not the same as a toy found in an Easter Egg Hunt, a man would still cherish his significant other if he had to do a little work in order to obtain her.

Going back to the Stone Age, we see that men love to hunt! Men are hunters, and they love the thrill of the chase. It’s exciting, motivating, and fun. Don’t go overboard, but keep in mind that the cat and mouse chase usually works in almost any situation. That’s why hindsight is 20/20 and why you always want what you can’t have.

So, what is the key to becoming the prize in a treasure hunt? First of all, let him make the first moves, but be sure to maintain the boundaries that you are comfortable with. For example, if you have a rule of no kissing until the third date, continue doing what you are most comfortable with.

Part of letting him make the first move involves letting him call you first, having him ask you out first, and making him plan the dates. This will not only take the stress and pressure of dating off you, making you that much more confident, but it will also give you the flexibility to chime in when you wish. It may seem like an old fashioned way of getting a boyfriend, but many men still enjoy calling the shots. Gauge what your man is comfortable with and go from there.

For example, you can make suggestions for what to do on dates if he seems stumped. He may feel uncomfortable planning a date if he doesn’t know what you like to do. Give him a little hint here and there, and you will have more fun on the date. You also will give him a boost of confidence, because he will be reaffirmed that you really do like him.

Do Not Be High Maintenance

Once you become comfortable with the idea that you are a girlfriend, you may begin to let your guard or true nature come out. Of course, you don’t want to be someone you are not, but you also don’t want to be someone that no one wants. This isn’t just about having a boyfriend. It may also include working on yourself through self improvement.

Realize that you do not NEED a man. You should be independent, not needy. Also, don’t act desperate, clingy, impatient, or insecure. Instead, let the relationship evolve naturally; after all, there isn’t a deadline for when you are required to find your soul mate.

A very important part of playing hard to get, which leads to becoming a relationship, is realizing that you are, in a way, playing with someone’s heart, feelings, and emotions. Don’t break a guy’s heart if you can avoid it. Be gentle when dealing with a person’s emotions. The following steps can help you do just that:

How to Not Be a Heart Breaker

Examine who you are and what you want
Create a solid list of what characteristics you want in your mate
Ensure that the person you are dating meets your list
As you become a girlfriend, double check that he meets your list
As soon as you realize he doesn’t meet your list, gently let him go

Note: It’s tempting to stay in a relationship just to be with someone, but keep in mind, if he doesn’t meet your list, he is not marriage material. Ending things now will hurt less. Treat it like a band aid; rip it off fast and move on.

Evolve into Marriage Material

Typically when searching for the right mate, the ultimate goal is to have a long term future with him or her. If you want to become marriage material, you should know what men (or women) want when it comes to a wife (or a husband). So what do men want?

Become Marriage Material

Typically the ultimate goal in life is to become a wife. This means as a girlfriend you must turn yourself into marriage material.
Typically the ultimate goal in life is to become a wife. This means as a girlfriend you must turn yourself into marriage material. | Source

Studies have shown that a man may date a potential soul mate even after he decides he does not see a long term future with her. This wastes both of their time. Most men cut their losses at this point, but some of them are having so much meaningless fun that they just keep a girl hanging on.

That’s why once a relationship has progressed to “serious” in nature, a woman should find out if he is using her for fun or if he truly cares about a long-term relationship. As long as she is comfortable with whatever his intentions are, the relationship can continue. If a girl wants to be married, she should determine what her man is looking for in his future wife.

So what do men look for in a future wife? They want someone who is not selfish, overly jealous, materialistic, unfaithful, or unkind. Women who act like party girls or who dislike children usually don’t compel men to go out and shop for engagement rings. Some men also find it important to find a woman who enjoys a healthy sexual relationship and expects to have one in his future wife.


The best way to “play hard to get” is to not view it as a game you are playing on a guy. Instead think of it as a way to find the right man for you in a way that he will notice. The best way to be independent and irresistible to a man is to first learn how to enjoy being single. This may involve making new friends, trying new things, joining a dating site, or stepping out of your comfort zone.

The next tip on how to win a guy’s heart is to become unique. Turn yourself into an elusive butterfly. By making yourself mysterious, you gain his attention, because he is intrigued by you. So, how do you do that? Be vague when answering his questions. Make him do most of the work in getting to know you. This will also help you maintain boundaries which are an important part of any relationship.

Becoming the ideal girlfriend involves making sure that he has worked for the treasure that he has gained – YOU as a girlfriend. Once you are a steady girlfriend, don’t be high maintenance by being needy or insecure. Ensure that he is happy if he makes you happy, and if he is the man you wish to marry, you need to make sure you are what men consider to be marriage material. This means not being selfish, materialistic, or unkind.

A Great Video on How to Play Hard to Get


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Smith, A. & Anderson, M. (2015, April 20). 5 facts about online dating. Retrieved from


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