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You Are Unconsciously Destroying Your Marriage -- Here's the Solution

Updated on December 31, 2015
A Couple Arguing
A Couple Arguing

A Serious Problem You Need to Be Aware of

Lately, I have come to realize that many people are unconsciously or unintentionally destroying their marriage by doing something they should not be doing in the first place. This is a rather serious problem that they not only need to be aware of, but also should immediately try to address before it's too late.

During one of my weekly bible study sessions, in which we were discussing the subject --- unforgiveness, I asked the attendees if any of them have ever been hurt in a relationship, and if so, what was the cause of the hurt; was it due to something their partner had done, or was it related to something he/she had said?

It turned out that there were people who have been hurt, and consequently divorced, due to their partner's action, as well as the things that were being said to them.

One of the general conclusions I immediately drew from this discussion, is that most of the times when a marriage go awry, it’s either due to one of the following:

1.One partner DID something that did not meet the other's approval
2.One partner SAID something that the other didn't approve of

However, in this hub I will be discussing not only the potential danger of the things that are being said or verbalized( to your marriage)but also the "only" solution.

The Common Problem in a Lot of Marriages

Arguing Couple
Arguing Couple

One of the reasons many marriages are falling apart, is simply because some spouses have been saying bitter things to their significant other or to each other, out of rage. These remarks, or verbal attacks(verbal abuse) are sometimes so hurtful that they are creating deep psychological and emotional wounds which usually result not only in months or even years of unforgiveness, but also prolonged period of resentment, and unhappiness.

The Negative Consequences

A Sad and Lonely Man
A Sad and Lonely Man

This prolong period of resentment, and unhappiness often lead to separation or sometimes painful long drawn out expensive divorce, and ultimately the breakup of a happy marriage. Often, child custody battles may even come into play.

The Solution

For those individuals who are having problems dealing with anger (or taming the tongue), If you can learn to control your anger or just think before you say inappropriate or bitter things that could potentially hurt the other party's feelings, most of these bitterness, resentment and consequently divorce, can be avoided. Because words, once spoken, can't be taken back, you need to think before you say hurtful things to your significant other.

The Positive Consequences

A Happy Couple
A Happy Couple

If you just try to be always mindful of the things you say out of rage to your spouse, or to each other, you can prevent losing or leaving your family(wife and children you love so dearly) behind, or even living with regrets for the rest of your life. You can also avoid having to deal with the financial stress, and loneliness that often accompany divorce. Why sacrifice your happiness for sadness?

How to Control Your Tongue

A Praying Person
A Praying Person

You may ask yourself the question, but how can I control my tongue? The answer to this is simple,yet somewhat profound! According to the Holy Bible, the tongue is uncontrollable. No man can tame his tongue(on his own)! This you can find in James 3:7-8, which reads as follow:

"For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind: But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison." Our tongue has to be taught what it can or cannot say.

Pray to God
Only God can help you to tame the tongue, so like Job you have to ask God to teach you to hold your tongue. Job 6:24 reads as follow:

"Teach me, and I will hold my tongue: and cause me to understand wherein I have erred.” You can also use this same quote above, whenever you pray. However, not only should you ask God to help you, you should also make an effort. Here in the following verse Job is making a pledge:

Job 27:4 --"My lips shall not speak wickedness, nor my tongue utter deceit." You can repeat this verse each time your are tempted to say bitter things. You can also repeat Proverb 15:1 "A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger."


There are so many scriptures in the bible that make reference to the tongue as being a deadly weapon; so ladies and gentlemen/husband and wife, the bottom line is this simple --- at all times, you should be very careful not only of what you say to each other, but also how you say what you say!


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    • mackyi profile image

      I.W. McFarlane 2 years ago from Philadelphia

      Very good dashingscorpio :-)! At least you have started out somewhat agreeing that I do have a point!

      Tell you what, I totally agree with you that many people have been claiming that God "gave" them this man/woman to be a husband or a wife! In fact, I have heard this frequently. However, in my mind, the usual response is : When did you and God have this conversation?

      You see, what usually happens is that a lot of these people went ahead and made their choice independently, without even thinking about asking God for His help or guidance, then expecting things to go smooth.

      According to the scripture "If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you."(KJV) St. John 15:7.

      "If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you."(NIV) St. John 15:7

      Once we ask, and have the faith and patience, our request will be granted according to "His" Will.... not ours!

      Thanks again for stopping by. God bless!

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 2 years ago

      mackyi , You may have a point. :)

      Unfortunately too often most people (assume) that their marriage is one of those that "God joins together no man can break asunder!" LOL!

      They really believe God is responsible for bringing (all marriages) together. This often one the reasons why many people fight to hold onto toxic marriages. There is a whole industry geared towards saving (all) marriages!

    • mackyi profile image

      I.W. McFarlane 2 years ago from Philadelphia

      Deborah, thanks for your input. This statement you have made "We need to be happy........, what we think we want,"is a certainly a very strong one. This is indeed something to ponder!

    • mackyi profile image

      I.W. McFarlane 2 years ago from Philadelphia

      dashingscarpio, thanks for your comment. Your opinion is greatly respected. In my opinion, in a nutshell, I guess we could say that when we don't allow God to guide us in our quest for a husband or wife, we are more or less likely to end up:

      1)Choosing the wrong mate

      2)Getting married for the wrong reason

      3)Growing apart.....

      Remember that what God joins together no man can break asunder!

      It would be interesting to hear what you have to say about this?

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Good article, and interesting comments.

      I believe that we need to be happy with what we have, regardless of whether or not it's what we think we want. Unfulfilled expectation causes suffering.

      And I agree, that people need to learn to hold their tongues, regardless of whether they are enraged or angry. Self-control is important in any relationship, but especially a marriage.

      Thanks for writing,


    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 2 years ago

      Proverbs 21:19

      "Better to dwell in the wilderness, Than with a contentious and angry woman." :)

      Having said that I believe the top 3 causes of divorce are:

      1. Choosing the wrong mate for oneself.

      2. Got married for the wrong reasons

      3. Grew apart over the years and no longer wanted the same things.

      Anyone who has an ounce of self-love and esteem has "boundaries" and "deal breakers". The purpose of courtship is to determine whether or not you're on the same page. You want someone who (already is) your ideal mate not to make him/her into it.

      Ideally the goal is to find someone who shares your same values, wants the same things for the relationship that you do, naturally agrees with you on how to obtain those things, and last but not least there is a mutual depth of love and desire for one another.

      Like attracts like and opposites attract divorce attorneys!

      There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships: We either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have. Accept them as (is) or move on.

      Very few people are walking around with a hand raised in the air screaming: "I'm looking for someone to change me!"

      Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.

      Choose wisely.

      There is no amount of communication or work that can overcome being with someone who does not want what you want.

      One man's opinion!:)

    • mackyi profile image

      I.W. McFarlane 2 years ago from Philadelphia

      Kbdressman, thanks for commenting. Your contribution is highly appreciated.

    • kbdressman profile image

      kbdressman 2 years ago from Harlem, New York

      You make a good point. A married couple is a team. Any athlete will tell you that a team is easy to defeat when that team is working against each other, instead of working together for the good of the team, towards the team's goals. If you and your spouse aren't on the same page about goals or there are behaviors or things that are concerning one or the other spouse, a family (couple) counsel should be held to discuss the goals and strategies to reach the goals. Both are evaluating particular behaviors, not one or the other. Marriages fall apart when people think in terms of he/she vs we. Great hub!