How Do I Write the Best Online Dating Profile?

I know from experience that online dating can be difficult. Part of that difficulty is writing your online dating profile. Most people find it difficult to write and write well. Writing something about yourself can prove even tougher. When the prose is boring, setting up dates will be difficult. Believe it or not, a great online dating profile can make a real difference.

Writing a great online dating profile can be a lot less difficult if you know some secrets. Many things, like spelling errors and certain types of pictures can be a huge turn-off. So, paying attention to what you're doing is important. It's just like if you pay attention driving, you can keep from getting into an accident. So here are my suggestions for how to write the perfect online dating profile. I do tend to focus on these things from the female side. However, if you're a guy, just do your best to turn the tables.

Your screen name should say something personal about you. You need to convey information before a potential suitor reads your profile. So, for instance, if you love fish, something like "FishloverSally" would be a good screen name. Or if you have IBS, "IBSBob" might be a good screen name. Then if the person didn't know what IBS was, you would have an instant topic of conversation. Many people have told me that "sychophantastic" is the best match.com screen name they've ever heard. A screen name can make a big difference in whether or not somebody chooses to look at your profile.

Most of us are happiest when we're doing something we like. Let's say you like to sit and watch television all hours of the day while eating Ben and Jerry's. Take a picture of yourself doing that. If you don't like to hike, don't take a picture of yourself hiking. And by all means, if you have pets, take as many photos with your pets as possible. Also, photos where it's obvious that you've cut somebody out of the picture, like an old boyfriend, can be good. Post photos of yourself drunk. Those are always great. Drunk people are happy people. Of course, certain things that are off limits, like playing with certain toys, if you know what I mean.

Nobody should see your "O" face in a profile picture. Save that for later. In fact, if you're not that good-looking, just find a photo of a lesser-known model and post that. In fact, most of us are not really that good looking. Thus, you want to get somebody to take a picture of you from very far away. They could also take it slightly out-of-focus. That creates a sense of mystery. A person of the opposite sex will say to herself: "Wow, I wonder what he looks like in person."

Men want tall, curvaceous, well-built women. So don't tell a man your 4'9" and weigh 300 pounds. Women want George Clooney or Justin Timberlake. So when the profile asks for your attributes, always click on "well-built" or "athletic". It doesn't matter whether you're either one. It doesn't matter if you haven't worked out in five years. Now, this raises the questions of what to do when you meet your man for the first time. Clearly he might think that you're a liar.

The truth is, most men aren't brave enough to address the issue, so you have time to make a good impression. Actually, you can deflate the situation by turning the tables. Mention that he doesn't look anything like his photo, but that you're okay with it. What if you're a dude and you've managed to reel in a supermodel, but you're obese? Just mention something about crying tears on your yacht. Look at that dude who married Salma Hayek. It works.

People like to know what not to do with a potential online date. So, make sure you go into great detail about all the things you hate. Personally, I hate men who think that McDonald's is a good place for a first date. I hate ripped jeans. You wear ripped jeans I'd I'll just turn around and leave. A man with bad breath usually causes me to vomit. If you talk about politics, I will talk about how much I like to fart.

There are certain key phrases that will make any man fall in love with you instantly. So, sprinkle them throughout your profile. Here are just a few:

"Will eat bacon."

"Gets Jiggy with it."

"Lives with ex-boyfriend."

"Co-habitates with ex-husband"

"Lives with ex-boyfriend and ex-husband."

"Taught my dog to drive."

"Can't cook, but can suck down a bottle of wine in under 60 seconds."

"My bed doubles as a semi-truck hydraulic jack."

"It's my way or the highway."

"You'll find the answer to life under my third fat roll."

"You can smell me from a mile away."

"Loves prairie dogs."

Men like women with experience. The more experience, the better. Basically, men view this like women view money - the more, the merrier. So why be a millionaire when you can be a billionaire? Here's my basic formula for this detail: take your lucky number, multiply by 7 and add 100. My lucky number is 5. On my online profile, I tell everyone I've been with 350 guys. Works like a charm.

I like a woman who will shove her tongue down my throat on the first date. Personally, I like saliva, lots of saliva. I like to give it and receive it. For breakfast, instead of drinking a glass of orange juice, I drink a glass of saliva. The wetter a kiss, the better the kiss.

Make sure you spend absolutely no effort on crafting a profile. Your potential suitor will think you're super hot. Of course, those who put no effort whatsoever into things are very attractive. Clearly show you didn't have enough time to run a spell check program. Stupidity is the new smart.

So that's my advice. Make sure you put it to good use. As a consequence, many of you will meet that man or woman of your dreams online in no time. Use these tips for writing the perfect online dating profile and you'll be on your way to meeting somebody special.