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How to deal with a Cheater

Updated on May 26, 2014
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Cheating 101

Welcome Readers, this article is for everyone and anyone who thinks or knows they are being cheated on. When someone cheats on you its a very hard pill to swallow. Their is many reasons why people cheat which I will address but for now I want to talk about you. When you feel someone is cheating on you that is a huge indicator that something is wrong. The pain you feel after you find out the truth is crushing emotionally and physically. It is the quickest way to send someone into a major depression. When you love someone no matter if it is wrong or right to everyone around you, you typically are in it for the long haul. Although finding out someone cheated on you or is already on the path to it can really make you see things differently. The tpycial response is how can I fix this. Or can this relationship be saved, or is it worth saving. Will they do it again? Is this person really the right one for me? All these questions can be really hard to answer because you don't know anymore. Now with that being said I am going to dig deep and give some advice that may help you my readers see things differently. I must state for the record I am not a medical professional and my advice shouldn't replace a medical professional's advice. My advice comes from basic psychology, basic human behavior, and observation. With that out the way lets jump into it.

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Emotional Cheating

Now some would argue that their is no such thing and some would agrue that only women do it. Although in my experience it does exist and not only women do it. I will say that women are more likely do it before a man would but that doesn't mean that men don't do it per say. First before we examine what emotional cheating is, lets look at the word emotional. Now women have the rep of being emotional and men have the rep of being cold or almost heartless. Although emotional in this case refers to having an emotional response to a given situation. Now men and women are both emotional creatures. Simply because we are both born with the ability to feel. Just because we may express them differently doesn't mean that is anyless emotional. Now emotional cheating to me is when your partner is talking, spending time with, or going out with someone else of the opposite sex other than you. For example, a man may seek the company of another female and go out with them. Or talk to them or share very emotional feelings with this person. He may or not be attracted to this female but he develops an emotional attachment with this female. So why is that emotional cheating? Well first, when your with someone else the worse feeling is knowing that your partner is disconnecting emotionally from you and is connecting with someone else. Especally because that is usually the first step to cheating. Now if a women is doing this, it is usually very obvoius to the male she is involved with that she is close to cheating on him. Also the male usual equals that to cheating because she isn't seeking his company like she use too. Or that she isn't spending time with him like she use too and to make matters worse she rather spend time with him instead of being with you. This is the same thing for males, although usually the male agrues that it is harmless and that he isn't planning on sleeping with her. Rather you plan on sleeping with that person or not, or rather you are or aren't attacted to that person, the first step to cheating on someone is developing a bond with someone else. Which is exactly what you are doing. Good intentions or not, it is only a matter of time before you take the next step by "accident."

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Physical Cheating

Now that we talked about emotional cheating lets get right down business here. Physical cheating is something we all know no need to explain that. We all can agree that women and men do it. Now some agrue that men physically cheat more than women do. Although in my experience it is equal across the board. Now when your in love you can totally miss the signs someone is cheating on you. Now typically when someone physically cheats on you it doesn't just pop out of thin air. You probably missed the emotional signs of cheating. Or you shugged them off as not important. When someone physically cheats on you though it becomes a bit more obvious. You may ask yourself why? Then you may blame yourself. Then you may hate that person. Then you may feel weak and blindsided by this. The greatest question here is why. Think about this, if you had to catch this person then you probably are with someone who is use to lying and not getting caught. Or they are already planned out how to make you believe it is your fault. The important thing is to judge their reaction. Do they own up to what they did? Do they truly feel ashamed of themself? Are they crying or upset because this is something they never did before? Are they willing to change themself because they don't want to become a cheater? Did they confess to you? I'll explain why these questions are important to watch for. Their is two types of cheaters, one that cheats because it is a habit and one that cheats because they made a mistake or lost control of their emotions. Someone who cheats because it is a habit will not feel any remorse or guilt. In fact they will blame you or make you feel like because you didn't give them what they wanted they cheated. It really doesn't matter because you can be perfect and give them everything they want or need. Yet they will still cheat on you because it is a habit. Its like a drug for them. They need to feel the rush and unless they are willing to go to behavioral therapy they will not change. Now the person who cheated because they lost control or messed up will feel ashamed, guilty, truly sad, and will be willingly to either let you go or change themselves. Simply because they don't like the person they have become. Typcially this is the person that comes clean with you and tells you that they cheated knowing they will probably loose you.

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How to handle a cheater

Well now that I have outlined what emotional and physical cheating is. I want to now give you some advice on how to handle it. First let me say this, no matter what type of cheater your dealing with, emotional and physical cheating go hand in hand. Men and women typcially start with cheating emotionally then it goes into physical cheating. Lets start at the beginning, they had to really like something about you that keeps them coming back right? That made the choose to be with you over everyone else. Now somewhere along that path, they may have started to grow unhappy with you or how they have been treated by you. This is important to recognize because if your with a selfish person who only acts with their ego they will always be complaining. They won't see you doing things to make them happy and they won't hear you when say you love them or want to make it work. They will only see their needs and desires. This is totally different from the person who cheated because they felt emotionally starved by you. Feeling emotionally starved is very serious and shouldn't be taken lightly. This is the first huge indicator that the person needs you to do something. Now how do you know if your partner is emotionally starving for your attention or affection? Well you need to look at their behavior. If they are always calling a friend or family, going out with, or talking to other people is it because they feel they can't talk to you? Now ask yourself why is that? Then ask them. If they say to you that everytime they talk to you, that you seem to not care, or that you tell them you don't care because you have to much going on. You need to look at things from their eyes, they are opening up to you and you are rejecting them. I'm sure most of us know how it feels to get rejected, if you don't it really freaking hurts. Now once and awhile its okay to say you don't want to talk but if your doing this all the time then your basically pushing them into the arms of someone else. Why? Simply because it is human nature to want to feel loved, appreciated, or respected. If you don't provide that basic human need then they will seek it else where. Then suddenly you may find out that because they developed a bond emotionally with someone else that things got physcial by mistake. They probably didn't mean or plan to sleep with that person but they did because emotionally they felt so connected that their bodies couldn't control the chemistry and wanted to seek more. Now how do you handle this emotional or physical cheating? First you need to address what type of person they are. If they cheated out of habit then like I stated before they need to be willing to go to behavioral therapy. If they cheated because they messed up then you have a chance to fix it, if you want too. If you chose to fix it, you must be willing to forgive and move on. You can't keep using it like leverage everytime things don't go your way. That will make the person again feel emotionally starved and mistreated. That is a deadly combination. Now before you work it out, you must address your own feelings. You maybe feeling depressed, hurt, betrayed, and overall you need space. It is important for you to take space because if you don't you will beat them up emotionally with your anger. You will also beat yourself up too. Yes you may feel they deserve it but the long term scarring from it won't be worth it if your trying to save it. Once you go to therapy or talk to a friend or family member or someone about it and let your emotions come out you will be able to think clear. You will be able to go back and say lets start over. You will see where you both went wrong and do better together. Just remember space is key.

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Open Relationships

Now last but not least open relationships. Now this is becoming more and more popular these days. Although do I personally think they are successful? Well in my experience the rate of any real relationship surviving or moving to the next level after having an open relationship is very very low. Its not that it can't be a good thing, its just you have to have excellent communication and understanding with the person your considering to go steady with. You have to be able to say these are things I'm looking for and these are the reasons I'm not sure about you. Simply because seeing other people is very difficult to manage when your really in a relationship with someone else. If your both unclear, don't communicate, don't understand the reasons why your having an open relationship, and have no clear goals on what your trying to accomplish this is going to go south quickly. The other person will feel hurt, disrespected, used, and will ultimately probably end everything. So if your on the fense about if you want a real relationship with this person you need to communicate what exactly it is your unsure about. Also you need to communicate what you want them to change and what you need out of a real relationship. By doing that your giving them chance to either step up or step out. Meanwhile keeping a backup plan in case it doesn't work out which is a plus.You must also allow them to give you what they want and need out of a serious relationship. You must also be willing to step up and meet their needs or step out completely if it is too much. The problem here is if one person steps up the other person feels or fails to step up as well. Instead that person decides to to take what is being offered but won't let go of the backup. They want it all but don't want do anything to make it official or choose or step up or just choose what they want. Simply because they enjoy having the ability to see other people guilt free and keep you. Which in my opinion is using someone and make no mistake the other person will feel that way in time if not right away. Then something that could have worked out will be lost. This is why it usually doesn't work. It only works if both people are willing to step up. It is cool to have fun but just be clear about what you want and don't use anyone in the process without giving them the choice.

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My final advice

Cheating happens a lot for many different reasons. The reasons I stated aren't the only reasons but they are the most clear ones. Between open relationships and cheating it is a very thin line. You must really becareful. I will say this because I believe in this with all my heart. If someone wants to be with you truly, they will communicate, make time for you, and will step up when asked. Someone who disrespects you, doesn't value your feelings, makes you feel less than what you are, or keeps you hiden or a secret doesn't have your best interests at heart. This also is a huge indicator that they don't love you because their ego is just to big and their isn't enough room to love anyone else. Does this make them a bad person? Well not if they communicated with you exactly who they are and what you mean to them consistently. If they lied, played with feelings, used them against you, and tried to destroy your confidence as a person, I would say that is a bad person. Their is nothing wrong with loving yourself, in fact you can't love anyone else unless you love yourself. It is a problem, when can't see anyone else's feelings except your own. That is arrogance, being self centered, and small minded. That means your ego speaks to you and controls you. That type of person needs to seek balance and clarity before they are able to consider anyone else. If you choose to stay and work it out with someone who cheated on you make sure it is worth it. Don't settle for less because your to afraid to seek more in life. You deserve to be happy and if they aren't willing to do everything to make you happy then they aren't worth it. Simply because when your in love, that is the main goal both of your happiness. Not just one person, it is both of your jobs to protect each other's happiness. Thank you for reading my article, I hope you found it informative, helpful and enjoyable to read. Until next time readers take care of yourselves, ciao!

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    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 24 months ago

      Know yourself, Love yourself, Trust yourself.

      If something doesn't feel right to you it's probably not right for you.

      Each of us gets to choose our own friends, lovers, and spouse.

      We're entitled to have our own "boundaries" and "deal breakers".

      If cheating is a "deal breaker" for you then it's over period!

      Oftentimes people will want to feed their ego by pressing a cheater to squirm and see what B.S. excuse they will come up with or they secretly hope they will say something to convince them to stay together.

      The goal of most cheaters is hold onto all that is "good" is in their primary relationship while addressing their other "needs" on the side.

      Very few cheaters are looking to replace one relationship with another one.

      They want to "compliment" what they already have.

      Ultimately if they get busted it could mean the end of their relationship or marriage. However cheaters don't expect to be caught!

      Most people who cheat while married do so because they're looking for a way to STAY or tolerate the marriage. Whatever they're unhappy with doesn't rise to the level of running down to the courthouse to file for divorce, splitting up assets, moving out of their home into an apartment, paying child support or possibly alimony, becoming a weekend dad/mother, dividing up friends and family as they take sides....etc

      Having said that sometimes there is the exception: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Initially when they got together it seemed awful to the public and now it seems like they were "meant to be" as they raise their six children and have gone through ups and downs with her health issues in particular.

      Clearly his being with her for 10 years now is an indication that it wasn't just a typical fling. He met the right woman at the wrong time.

      His ex Jennifer Aniston is now happily married and life goes on.