- Gender and Relationships
How to get your man to do exactly what you want him to do
And you don't have to be a witch to do it...
My husband used to come home from work, and immediately take off his socks and shoes, leaving them in the middle of the living room that i just vaccumed.
He would then go into the bedroom, and strip down, leaving his clothes on the floor. He would walk to the bathroom, take a shower, and dry off. His towl would end up in the bathroom floor next to his underware, and the bathroom floor was left slobby and wet.
I used to yell, complain, and sometimes end up screaming at him that he was ungrateful and unappreciative of how i kept our home, and would say in no uncertain terms that he wouldn't be "getting any" from me that night.
This didn't work.
When you withold sex form your partner, it doesn't change their behavior, it makes them resentful.
They go on to do whatever it is that they were doing because like children, ( we all have an inner child) they rebel.
So, i sat sown one afternoon angry because i knew that when he came home, my beautiful clean house would cease to be the oasis i had created by making sure everything was clean and in its place.
I decided, it was time for a change.
So, i started thinking. When was the last time that i was able to make a change without changing myself? Never!
But he was doing the damage, i thought, not me. So what could i possibly change about myself that would stop his behavior?
Then it came to me.
It was my reaction. I was only reacting to his negative behavior, and in a negative way, at that.
So i decided to do the oposite. Be positive. Yes, i know what your thinking, how can i be positive about his tornado like entrance leaving me to clean up the aftermath.
This is how.
I stoped my usual routine for about a week. My husband came to me a few times that week, worried that i had somehow feel into some sort of housewife depression. He asked me what was wrong, and why wasn't I cleaning up, and rushing around to clean up after him.
I simply explained to him that i loved him, and that it wasn't worth the fighting.
That didn't worke either.
So I came up with a method that works for us, and depending on your energy, it might work for you too.
The next time my husband came home, I was sitting on the couch reading a magazine. As usual, he said that he was starving. Without looking up, i calmly said "there's a surprise for you in the hamper."
Looking horrified that it might be divorce papers or something, he went and checked. I had left a note for him on top of his dirty clothes, that said that if he put all of his clothes in the hamper, and put his shoes away, i would make him a steak dinner, complete with dessert.
I heard him walking from the bedroom to the bathroom, and ye yelled down "clothes are in the hamper"
I went up to check. It was beautiful. Clothes were in the hamper, there was no change on the dresser, and his shoes were neatly in his shoe rack.
I made good on my promis, and although the bathroom was still a mess i thought "we've made progress!"
The next day, he came home, and before i could say anything, he ran upstairs and put his clothes away "clothes are in the hamper" he yelled. Then he went into the bathroom, and found the nighty i left hanging on the shower rod, complete with a note that said "If you straighten up the bathroom after you're done, i'll wear this tonight."
I have never seen a cleaner bathroom in my life. He went the extra mile, and rinsed out the tub when he was finished showering.
We went on like this for weeks, and then one night after dinner he commented on the fact that "things were different" and that i seemed "in a better mood." He asked me what changed.
I told him that after cleaning all day, him coming home and erasing my efforts made me feel unappreciated, and disrespected, and that those 2 were a huge turn off for me. I explained that him coming home, and cleaning up after himself, and being respectful of the hard work i did, was a huge turn on.
After wittnessing it for himself, and really listening to me, he seemed to get it. He never came home and messed up the house again. Even on his days off now, if he uses a dish, he rinses it and wipes off the counter.
This has exterminated the arguments about the house. It has enhanced our marriage. Now, the notes are for fun. What was once used as a tool, is now a toy that we both get equal enjoyment out of!
So take it from me, if you want things to change, you have to change. Depending on the circumstances, your change wont be the same as mine.
But don't worry, you'll figure something out!