ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel
  • »
  • Gender and Relationships»
  • Separation & Divorce

Fathers how to go on for your children

Updated on September 13, 2012

Your Love is your biggest tool

disclaimer : this hub is not an attack on women but is solely written for the Fathers who are the better parent in the family unit and have been put into this awful position of fighting for the safety of their children. There seems to be very little help or advice for this section of society where bad mothers use their children,their sex, the system and the laws and authorities which seem to be stacked against the father despite this being detrimental to so many children's welfare.. this hub is to help fathers cope emotionally through the initial stages and I have no legal qualifications and please read this as an empathic view of so many lost children and fathers.if I can bring any comfort to fathers in my situation I feel like this hub will have done it's job even if it eases the pain for the duration of reading this article.

Now is not the time to give up

How many fathers wake up with the pain and realisation that their children have been taken away by there once beloved wife? Frightened to get out of bed and face the impossible task of making your next step being the most productive and efficient way of insuring your child's welfare ? I am sure thousands have woke up this very morning with this terrible prospect of doing the wrong thing, wasting too much time making the right decisions or making hasty emotional choices with detrimental consequences. I have been at this awful crossroad in my life and not that long ago in fact, but I am still here and although not out of the woods by a long shot, I have had many lessons along the way and would like to share what I have learnt and make life a little more bearable for many fathers that find themselves where I was.

Does and Do nots

Alcohol

No matter how much you feel the need to drown your sorrows do not drink alcohol. This may seem an impossible task to many under such stress, but it is the most unproductive thing you can do for your child/children, although I never had a drink problem, at this lowest point in my life the urge to climb into a bottle was huge, but you have to focus on the innocent in this mess, remember you are not the only one suffering, in fact it is most likely a lot worse for your kid/kids the confusion and upheaval on their life will far out weigh your pain. So if you feel the need pour it down the sink with your kids photos at the sink(if need be) look at them and then to drink and I'm sure you will pour it down the plug.

Sleep


Sleep is very important, and something which you maybe struggling with, perhaps even guilt of non-action to help your children whilst sleeping can force you to stay awake, maybe surfing the net looking for help or going through paperwork at home, drinking large amounts of coffee will not help your emotional state and will not make you sharper, this will make you more desperate stressed and more likely to make the wrong decisions. Hot chocolate and warm milk can be great natural ways to bring on sleep and use these before hitting the drug store and seeing the GP for pills.

Food

It may seem obvious to keep up your strength but so many lose their appetite at these points in their lives, you will also be using a huge amount of nervous energy, if you notice that you seem to have a constant sweat or trembling, think when was the last time you eat a meal, don't survive on chocolate or other high calorie quick fixes, your body may crave these food stuffs through your troubles and by all means indulge but please get your three squares a day inside you YOU NEED THEM more now than ever!!!! I personally went into shock through not eating enough and my blood sugar dropped to level 2, I was revived by paramedics, so please listen to this one EAT !!!

Note to all.

I have just returned to this hub after taking my own advice on eating an evening meal but upon spotting some unfinished leftovers of my daughters from this-weekends visit, I broke down seeing her little fork marks etc, I have returned to write this without eating yet, so I still understand how hard this can be. But I promise I will eat in the next hour.

Stay strong !!!!


Easy to say hard to do, but this is the most important time in your life to stay strong, you will have plenty of time to lick your wounds later, remember this is a temporary situation, and be the parent you would wish for yourself and more importantly the parent you wish and hope you would be in this situation, you CAN do it, it is a matter of your pain or your children's so it is a no-brainer, be strong !!!! be balanced and do not let bitterness take over no matter your circumstances it will have nothing but a negative impact on your children. Now is the time to prove to yourself, your children and everybody else who will become involved in your plight that you are the better parent.

Legal Advice


You should seek legal advice as soon as possible, the longer you leave it or give your partner the benefit of doubt before you realise you needed to do this, the harder your plight may become, it could possibly be used against you in a court situation, and if it gets to that it probably will be used against you as a non-caring parent. Be truthful with your legal team, don't let them get any nasty surprises during the court hearings, most things are not as bad as they seem and honesty in the court is defiantly the best policy, but be prepared for a flood of lies or miss-truths to used against you, this happens more often than not so be ready !!

Bad mouthing

As easy as this must be, and on many occasions justified, never bad mouth your ex in front of your children, the likelihood is that if they have been with you throughout their lives this is not even necessary, they will have witnessed all you have to say anyway, and most likely you will find yourself telling them not to bad mouth your ex, which I recommend as it is looked down upon by the courts about talking about each other to your kids at this stage. Remember that they have been uprooted from their lives also and if they are returning to their family home with you for contact, then they will feel safe and most likely say things about the mother, stop them in there tracks unless it is very important to their immediate danger whilst living with their mother. Your kids will have seen everything before your break up and they are a lot smarter than we give them credit for, they also seem to rationalise what's going on a more clearly. This can be heart breaking especially when they ask you questions that you know you should not answer, but rest assured that they will know who is right and wrong in your situation. They think quickly and have the luxury of innocence which always ends any equation with truth. so no bad mouthing, they already know !!!!

The Truth


The truth may hurt, but the truth is the most important thing to your children's happiness, if after reflection you know they are safe with there Mother step up to this and except this is OK,and do your best to work out some amicable custody arrangement, if your children want to be with their mother except this also. But if the opposite is the truth then ...............you already know.

Never give up

As it says "NEVER GIVE UP" your children need you, and no matter how long it takes they will only love and respect you more for your love and devotion to them, try and mediate with your ex no matter what she has done, this is not giving in or being a weak man, you have nothing to prove but the love and sacrifice you are prepared to give for your children, revenge is for the weak, it is a waste of resources and time which can be better used to benefit the ones you love. You stand tall and be seen by all that know you, don't hide away from neighbours etc , the rumours will be flying around, keep your head high let them know how sad this has made you, take their support if you feel you can trust them, but never hide away, to them this will only prove to them your guilt and not the truth.
And remember when your kids are back, even if it is for the weekend Dad scenario many tongues will stop wagging and many people will soon change their tune, so keep your head up from this moment on, not when you have your kids with you but from now !!! You know the truth,your kids know the truth !!!! and soon enough everybody else will !!!! You are not alone please take some comfort in that although I am sure you wish you were so nobody else would have to go through it, sadly we are not but we can support each other.

Simba

By The Way I have just eaten a meal






Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Simba73 profile image
      Author

      Simba73 4 years ago from UK

      IS1820

      Thank you for reading and more so for commenting this is such a sad tale which as time goes by I am finding out just how common this situation is, and that breaks my heart for all of the Children in this mess.

      I really want any father especially in the early stages to come across this hub, to get some kind of reassurance and peace from my words, although from my own experience they will feel "my case is different "

      But being strong for your children is the most important thing and I hope I can assist in giving fathers the courage to be strong.

      Love Simba xx

    • Simba73 profile image
      Author

      Simba73 4 years ago from UK

      Fpherj48,

      Thank you so much for you beautiful words, and for me knowing that what I have written has hit peoples hearts gives me so much courage to be the father that she needs so much.

      Thank you

      Simba xxx

    • IS1820 profile image

      Ian Susman 4 years ago

      Very true sitation in many instances all over the world.

      Never give up on a child in any circumstances is so very correct. Children know this and will in later years appreciate it very much. Well written.

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Simba.....My god, you have brought me to tears....I just want to hug you and tell you what a dear and wonderful Daddy you are...and always will be. I have 4 adult sons and they are all Dads.....so you can understand why this hub has touched me so closely. Knowing how very much my sons adore their children and their children love them,as well, my heart just breaks, thinking of what you have been through. Imagining how you have struggled through such pain and still are strong in your love for your daughter to know what is best to do.......You are in my thoughts.... Your daughter will always love you, she'll always see the truth and one day, when she is old enough, she'll appear on your doorstep, with pajamas and toothbrush..to STAY. ..I know this.

      UP+++ and shared.

    • profile image

      delighted 5 years ago from Tucson, AZ

      Amazing advice! Dads truly are important to their kids. Pamela said it beautifully. My husband and I divorced when our daughter was 7. Even in spite of long distances, her dad called her faithfully every Tuesday, and she spent most of every summer and Christmas with him. She is now 22, and they have a great relationship. He is flying in to spend a week with her this month. I am so grateful to him for showing her such faithfulness and love. She has remained in close touch and calls hin when she needs advice. She is close to me as well. We have done our best and have a daughter we are both proud of, in spite of divorce. Keep telling Dads how truly important they are! Don't let doubt tell them otherwise!

    • Simba73 profile image
      Author

      Simba73 5 years ago from UK

      Thank you Pamela, your comment is wonderful and gives me strength with all my heart thank you :)

      Simba

    • Pamela Kinnaird W profile image

      Pamela Kinnaird W 5 years ago from Maui and Arizona

      This was wonderful to read. You really have your whits about you and that is very crucial. Your love for your daughter will come through in every visit and activity, so the other times in her life will be bearable and in this way she can grow, develop and flourish. The best part is that the years will pass and she will turn legal age and visit whenever she wants -- because you will have helped her become a whole and healthy adult with your wisdom and courage.

      How much harder it is for a little girl whose parents divorce and the father cares nothing for her. Then her self-esteem is low and battered daily. This won't happen to your little girl because she will know her daddy loves her.

    • profile image

      Justsilvie 5 years ago

      Well done Hub and good advice! I have two sons who are both excellent dads and both have been through the battle and won.

    • Faith Reaper profile image

      Faith Reaper 5 years ago from southern USA

      Yes, never give up on those precious children!! My son, who is now 24 has full custody of his two daughters ( 2 & 4 years old), as their mother is no longer in the picture, as they would be in harm's way - really sad, but at least the children are protected and safe. My son is an excellent dad. He has had them alone since one was only three months olds and the other two years old. This is a great advice and admirable. Thank you for sharing. In His Love, Faith Reaper