- Gender and Relationships»
How to keep friends in your life forever
How I tried to prevent changes, because I was afraid to lose my friends
When I turned twenty-two years old, I began to worry about the relations with my friends. After I have graduated high-school, and also during the University years I didn't have the chance to spend time with my friends. Some of my friends went to study abroad. Yet, the problem was not the time and distance.
It was about stepping in a new phase of life. It meant changes. My female friends were busy with their boyfriends, so I felt they'd call me only when they need a crying towel. With some of my guy friends, friendship remained unchanged, while with others it got complicated (the everlasting argument about the existence of friendship between man and woman).
I was so afraid of the changes that might occur in our friendship. Thus, I always tried to keep my friends updated with the latest news that happened in my life, and I kept asking them about how their life was going. I wanted to show them, that I am still part of their life by keeping updated with the last news. And when I found their answers too dry, or unsatisfactory in some ways I used to get upset. I would begin to doubt our friendship. I began analyzing each detail of our relationship, each pillar it stood on. I allowed the craven thoughts to sneak into my mind. I would always regret those thoughts afterward. But at some point, I realized that I was the person who changed inside and I was the one unable to carry on with my friendship as I used before.
Then, I realized how unfair I behaved toward my friends by trying to hold on them; getting upset, that they don't treat me as I deserve. I believed that there should be a final point when you don't have to bother about your relations anymore.
Yet, friendship can not be a goal. Friendship is all about people, and people are not static. You can not have expectations, as well as you can not blame your friend if he begins thinking or feeling different. A person can not be a final goal because he is dynamic. He has the tendency to change.
I remembered how I was concerned about friendship during my teenage years; what about our friendship; what will happen to our friendship. I depended so much on the thought of those relationships. Friendship as a relationship between humans was the determining for me. Even now it is. Friendship is a big treasury, but I was so afraid that it will end. I was afraid it will outlive itself, and that would mean that it wasn't real from the beginning. I feared it so much, that against my will I complicated matters. Chances that we may drift apart or loose interest toward each other made me resist them. The most ironic was to realize that those changes were already happening inside myself, and they were influencing my relations. Yet, a change doesn't have to lead to the disappearance of the friendship.
How to keep your friends
Here is an example from my experience. I and my friend used to chat every day. We believed that frequent discussion is a part of our friendship, thus we often talked and shared our thoughts with each other. But at some point it began to burden me. Did I begin to love my friend lesser or did I stop to be his friend?
No, I didn't. I didn't believe those frequent chats and discussions contributed to our friendship anymore. This was the reason, why all the interactions seemed soo forced. Our friendship was already there, so we had to change our approach, take our friendship to another level or just stop with the discussions.
People often say that when they finish college they drift apart from their friends. In my opinion, it is us who decide whatever to distance ourselves or not. Often we are the one who become cold and decide that there is no point in keeping the relations with some people. Not all the people are bound to become your life-long friends. Some of them appear for a certain period of time. Many of our encounters with people are determined by circumstances. In other words, you'd never talk to this guy or that girl if you weren't put under certain circumstances, such as same classes, of the fact that you live in same neighborhood. Even so, a friendship can be kept or cannot be kept. The choice is yours.
We are the one who determines our attitude toward our friends and relationships. When the time come to think how to maintain a friendship, the only thing that can save the relationship is your sincere wish to stay friends with a particular friend. Just stay friends. It doesn't matter how often you talk and how away you are from each other.
You can't expect your friends to stay the same because you do not stay the same
People are dynamic. They change and they crave for something new. You are the same. We go through different phases in our life. This truth is written even in popular psychology books. And I'd rather insist we read books on psychology. This would help us in our need to understand ourselves. And it would also help us accept the decisions our friends are taking, even when we can't accept them.
When your friend began to spend less time with you, you feel jealous. You don't feel this way because he prefers other things over you, but rather because he was able to find new interests in his life and you feel you were left behind. This is the manifestation of insecurity and envy in it's best.
When your life is full and you feel fulfilled you don't have the time to feel deprived of attention.
There in no point to cling to people, even if we talk about friends to your need of safety. They are not a shield. Don't use them as such. Your friends are people who love being with you. And you like to be with them. They like to keep you in their hearts and walk through life knowing they have you. But don't take advantage of their friendship and love.
Tips on how to keep your friends in your life forever
If I had to give tips on how to keep your friends forever, I would recommend you to recall how did it all begin. Who was the first to approach or to call the other his friend? Who gave a gift on the Birthday occasion for the first time? Can you state the precise date when you began to consider yourselves friends?
You can't, because it doesn't matter at all. What matters is your genuine desire to stay friends.
There is no accurate definition of love, as well as there is no description of how friendship should be. Don't expect from your friends anything. Don't be needy or pushy. Instead of seeking safety in others arms, try to become yourself a person, that everybody will want to befriend. In this way your relations will be equal.
Respect the integrity of your friend. Don't make him do stupid choices between spending time with you or spending time with someone else. People don't like dependent individuals, because they feel used by them. And true friends do not manipulate with friendship. Value your friendship. Don't take or give away your friendship easily, because it will lose its quality. And finally don't expect from your friend to do the first step. Be the first one to show what does it mean to stay friends no matter what. Friendship is to rocket science. The most important in friendship is to be friends.