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How to pick a fight in a relationship

Updated on January 18, 2009

Hooo!! .. Stop!!!.. Don't hit me please, not yet at least. Just hear me out on this one. I'm not talking about a physical fight here. So just sit down. (And keep your hands were I can see them please).

Almost everyone dislikes being in a quarrel. At least that's what I think. But sometimes there's no getting around it in a relationship. Having a fight or big argument at the least is part of it even when you're in a nice and stable relationship. According to psychologists it's even healthy when you get into a big argument once in a while. It helps cleaning up the mess in your relationship, but only when you do it right. So how to pick a fight right? A good quarrel I mean?

Stick to the point.

When you're angry you can say the worst things and you might get tempted to start again about things that happened before. You can't let bygones be bygones. It's tempting yes, but you better not. The fight can get even worse than necessary and a solution is not in sight when you do that. So don't piss the significant other of and stick to the point! (sorry)

Don't use your tears to get what you want.

Especially women are really good at crying their heart out to get what they want. You stupid woman (sorry), don't let your partner feel more miserable by using those tears. That is emotional blackmail and won't bring a solution either. So stop being pushy that way, wipe those tears from your face, because that's not fair.

Prevent to offend

Sure you're angry and sure you want your partner to understand you. But just don't make offensive remarks which are intended to bring your partner down. That isn't the right thing to do either. Understanding and offending are two things that have nothing in common.

Not in the bed

Your bed is a place where you sleep, have sex, feel safe for the night, cuddle up and relax. It is definitely not the place to pick a fight or start a big argument. And if that does happen, go to the kitchen (don't stand near the knives, the pots or pans or grandma's china), or the living room. And never go to bed when you're in a fight. Talk it over before you go (and have some great sex to make up the lost time).

Keep on listening

A good fight means there is communication. Not only you say what you want to say, how you feel or how you think about things, it also means that you listen to the things your partner wants to say, feels and thinks. Listen to the others side of the story too. Don't interrupt and don't criticize. Just listen, hear your partner out (I know it can be difficult, but just try it).

Nobody is perfect

No nobody is perfect (no, not even you). Probably you're the first to admit that. So don't expect your partner to be either. Don't make a fuss about little things (unless you're in auditioning for a role in a sentimental movie) and more important, don't try to change your partner.

Keep it in your own home

Your friends and family have no business with the quarrel you're having with your partner. He or she doesn't want to know how they think about it. Especially because you can expect that your friends are on your side. That's why they are your friends (or relatives).

So now you can go to bed together. Just cuddle up or have the best sex you've had in times. I don't care. As long if you're both are feeling better now

All's well that ends well

When you both have said what you wanted to say, it's important that you really have said everything. Don't leave open wounds that can get infected. Or this thing will start all over again. You can talk about the argument you've had afterwards. If only just to say you're sorry when you've got a reason to do that. Oow, and when you're having a quarrel in front of your children, or you know your children know you had an argument, kiss make up in front of your children also.


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    • profile image


      3 years ago

      That's a creative answer to a diilfcuft question

    • jantamaya profile image

      Maria Janta-Cooper 

      5 years ago from UK

      Nice and interesting article. Voted it up and shared. I'm happy living in a well matched relationship. We don't need to fight... much :-) Nevertheless, it's always good to know "how to do it."

      "Stick to the point," and don't get sidetracked from the real problem, is one of the best advices you gave.

    • Lazur profile imageAUTHOR


      10 years ago from Netherlands

      Hi Chris; You're welcome:) You're not the only one who is having trouble with that:)

      And thank you, it's one of my favorite:)

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 

      10 years ago from St. Louis

      Hi Lazur: I am terrible at having arguments. My brain starts short circuiting and my synapses misfire. I am working on it (but not too often, I hope!) I get too excited when what I need to do is calm down. Thanks for the advice!

      P.S. Love the new pic!

    • hot dorkage profile image

      hot dorkage 

      10 years ago from Oregon, USA

      in my family of origin arguing was considered a sport, like football or chess. but there were rules and you lost points if you didn't follow them. and the rule was your pitch has to be logical, any time you commited one of the fallacies of rhetoric the audience would ding a bell. One of the fallacies is "red herring" and the other is "appeal to emotion", i.e. bawling.

    • Lazur profile imageAUTHOR


      10 years ago from Netherlands

      I hate to have to argue too:) and I hope for you you're right about winning some after you've go married. Or maybe it's a reason not to get married at all :D:D

    • talented_ink profile image


      10 years ago from USA

      I like most of what you said here and there is definitely a lot of truth. The only two things I didn't like is that one, being a man, I hate to fight or argue with my woman. Two, optimistically, I'd like to believe that I'll be able to win at least one argument when I get married.


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