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How to stop being mad at someone you love

Updated on December 22, 2007
"Father's coming home!" by ashokscape
"Father's coming home!" by ashokscape

Answer I gave to someone who kept losing bfs due to her anger.

Mine was rated the best answer in that forum by the asker.

"I had the same problem as you do. It took me some years to evolve, and to control my anger. The best time to control the outburst is when you feel it coming. 1. Think of nice things about your 'victim.' 2. Think of your favourite things. 3. Tell yourself that you have become a better person.

You are a powerful person, so will not let silly things, people or circumstances provoke you. Little by little, you will laugh at all these provocations. You are as big as what you're angry about. The lesser the person, the lesser the reason for his or her anger. If you're angry about very important issues, that's fine, and that's productive anger! You can grow up to be an unshakeable person, who will refuse to be shaken by teenyweeny things!

See if this helps: My second son, who is about 6, can be very annoying. Makes you want to hit him! But I had promised myself that I wouldn't hurt anyone smaller than me. What I do, when I feel the rush of blood in my head is to hug him and smother him with kisses! That physical action dilutes the anger, and it is cheated into transforming into love! Please try that on your bf!"

Using Good Memories and Releasing Violence

Even if you are a reasonable, pleasant soul, anger gives you no chance. Sometimes. The strength of anger is in its impact, and when it hits you suddenly, your sensible self has no chance. You lash out, hurting near and dear.

There's one trick that works for me:

the love-memory trick.

For example, my son, when he was about five or so, irritated me with his constant chatter when I was busy with work. I wanted to hit him hard and make him stop. Then I remembered when he first came into my life, a pink bundle of joy, looking out at the world with teddy eyes. I remembered the first time he smiled, the first time he spoke my name, and a lot of other first times. I also remembered how much we craved for him long before he was born. Then my priorities took a wonderful shift and I stopped work to give him a kiss and play with him. Why am I busy at work? To give my family a great time in the future. So should I sacrifice their immediate pleasures and give them a hard time now? I then realised that my mind had switched to 'reasonable' mode, at which I was comfortable.

When little ones make you mad, another trick is

love-battle.

Hug them hard and cover them with kisses and tickles. This fools your anger instead of fueling it. The necessary violence is released for the anger to work itself off. But it is only violent hugging and kissing! Love will take over and care of everything.

This works for romantic relationships too. The anger transforms to passion and all is cool!

Wishing you the best of relationships!

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    • Kenny Wordsmith profile imageAUTHOR

      Ashok Rajagopalan 

      6 years ago from Chennai

      Thank you, Divya! Yes, we don't want to avoid them either. :)

    • profile image

      Divya Sood 

      6 years ago

      Tnxxx. fo ua lovely sugstns..Hope dey gona work..Its nt easy to avoid people we love..

    • Kenny Wordsmith profile imageAUTHOR

      Ashok Rajagopalan 

      7 years ago from Chennai

      Dear Torty,

      Hope you find a way to solve that. The trick with this or any issue is not be disappointed if we can't solve it immediately but be content with tending towards the solution. Improvement is always better than no change.

      Best,

      Kenny

    • profile image

      torty 

      7 years ago from Knoxville, TN.

      Hi Kenny,

      Thank you very much for writing this great piece of advice. I grew up with a father that had some really bad anger management issues, and being the oldest child, I bore the brunt of a lot of his misplaced rage. Growing up, I swore that I would never be like that or treat anyone else the way that he treated me. I wish like hell I could truthfully say that I never did that sort of thing to anyone that I love. Unfortunately, I have at times let my anger get the better of me and wound up exploding on my loved ones over insignificant stuff. Fortunately, I at least realize that I do that sometimes and I work at keeping myself under control. The one thing about me that I find really surprising is that I am really good at dealing with a major crisis, but it is the little trivial things that usually get to me the worst. I am always on the look out for new tips or techniques that I can use. If you or anyone else reading this has any suggestions I would like to hear them because I really want to get to the point where I don't over-react to insignificant problems.

    • Kenny Wordsmith profile imageAUTHOR

      Ashok Rajagopalan 

      7 years ago from Chennai

      Thanks, Kimberly, my sweet friend!

      Each one of us have irrational feelings, and sometimes they are the stuff of poetry. Sometimes they turn bad:)

    • profile image

      kimberlyslyrics 

      7 years ago

      What a hub!

      Thank you thank you thank you

      Makes me feel normal that I am not the only one with irrational feelings, but more so your solution or coping mechanisms are very smart

      bravo my friend

      lyrics

    • Kenny Wordsmith profile imageAUTHOR

      Ashok Rajagopalan 

      8 years ago from Chennai

      Jessica, you make it sound evil, but this works not only for the parent, but also for the kid. The anger in you will dissolve and love will take its place. My children aren't confused. They like it that I don't yell at them. I also hope that this is carried over to their children.

      (You argue clever! Use your children's bodies...accosting...LOL!)

    • profile image

      Jessica 

      8 years ago

      I would hate to be a little kid and have a big parent "smother" me with hugs and kisses every time they had trouble controlling their own anger. You should not use your children's bodies in any way to help YOU feel better. If you think they can't tell that you're angry when you're accosting them with "love," you're wrong, and that will confuse them. When you're angry, express it in a healthy way. Don't confuse your children about what anger looks like, and what touching should be about. They shouldn't be responsible in any way for your emotions... it's not their job. They're going to develop real issues about being hugged and kissed.

    • Kenny Wordsmith profile imageAUTHOR

      Ashok Rajagopalan 

      10 years ago from Chennai

      Wish you lots of love in your relationships, Tylanna! :)

    • profile image

      TYLANNA 

      10 years ago

      THX I WAS HAVING PROBLEMS NOW I KNOW I SHOULD EASE UP ON LOVE ONES

    • Kenny Wordsmith profile imageAUTHOR

      Ashok Rajagopalan 

      11 years ago from Chennai

      We hate ourselves, too, for what we did. Thank you Zsuzsy!

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