- Gender and Relationships
How to tell if your Boyfriend is Cheating on You
A warm welcome for a cold topic. This hub is intended for all the women out there (or gay men) who are currently in a relationship with a man, or loosely dating someone. When it comes to cheaters the most important thing you have to understand is once a cheater, always a cheater. Yes, there are some stories of that extremely rare man who cheated on all his girlfriends then an angel came along and turned him into perfection, it is extremely rare for a reason... it barely exists. You have to put your logic before emotions and do what is healthiest for yourself.
Before getting into a relationship with someone, do some digging around, if you're in a relationship there's no harm in asking other women what they think of him as a partner. His exes are exes for a reason, talk to ones you know, you are mutually on good terms with or you're even friends with, if they tell you that he cheated on them, get rid of him before it gets any worse. You shouldn't believe all gossip but if other women are looking at you warily, be very careful because likely he has a terrible reputation you don't know about.
So why do men cheat?
- Because he can, aka immaturity. Some men cheat because they do not think of anything else, they do it because it's there and because they can with no regard for your feelings.
- He is no longer satisfied with the relationship be it emotionally, sexually or interested in you.
- He is suffering from Bipolar Disorder, 50% of sufferers during a manic episode will go out and have impulsive and risky sex with strangers.
- He is trying to hurt you or get back at you for something, this doesn't have to be about you cheating, it could be anything.
- He's looking for other options and perhaps does not see a long term or serious relationship with you.
- Weakness. Another woman is luring him away into her bed and he feels powerless to stop himself from cheating, this ties in with the first option, immaturity and lack of self control.
- Sexual health problems such as lack of desire or impotence with you.
- He does not realise you are in a relationship as no firm lines have been drawn.
There are many more reasons but let's jump right into the signs from here on out.
The earliest signs your boyfriend is cheating on you.
Many women/ gay men miss the first signs their partner is cheating. Small changes in behaviour don't automatically mean he's cheating on you or that anything is wrong in your relationship. Before you go pointing the cheater finger, properly and rationally assess the situation, there could be any number of reasons why he is doing the things he is but there are still plenty of signs to look out for.
There is something I want to mention before we get into the signs and this is for women who are being emotionally cheated. Yes, I'm talking to you Mrs not-in-a-relationship-but-nearly-there. If he is telling you he's not ready for a relationship now but he continues to pursue you, lead you on or is even having sex with you, he's looking for a good time. The promise of a relationship at the end of this is very slim and he will probably lose interest and move on to the next woman before you can finish changing the sheets. Harsh, but true. Don't allow yourself to be emotionally cheated this way, it really stings and can knock your confidence, you don't deserve that.
Early signs your man is cheating or about to cheat:
- He starts becoming more distant, verbally and emotionally are the first two to be affected. Has he stopped texting you as much? is he less interested in calling you? not as talkative or seems emotionally a little blunted?
- He checks his phone more often than usual, now let's not count this for the men who take business calls and are using a works phone, I'm talking regular men who start picking up their phone and looking for messages or as though they're awaiting a call.
- Less affection. I'm talking hugs, kisses, texts, kisses in texts...
- He starts spending more time with his friends, more time than he usually would, that is.
- He disappears for long hours in the day or at night, not counting work or school.
- He starts discussing his personal life less such as his friendships, his family or his plans.
- He doesn't see you as often or he cancels plans at the last minute. This doesn't count for if he has a genuine reason such as illness, work, family emergency, this means he cancels with a vague reason, no reason or cancels for friends.
- You notice him checking out other women, online or in person, his eyes may be wandering more than usual or he may be obviously checking them out.
- He stops using Facebook as much/ posting as much. It doesn't mean he's offline completely, but men tend to post less on Facebook when cheating or talking to other women as it deflects your attention from the fact he's very actively using it, if he's normally posting a lot and suddenly slows down, make a note of it.
- He starts texting a lot more even when he's around you and says "oh, just a friend" or claims it to be a parent who texts him back and texts back quickly.
I do want to stress that these very early signs could all point to something else. He may be distant because he's worried or under stress at work, he may cancel plans because he's ill, he may stop using Facebook because he's bored with it or has no time and he may start hanging out with friends more because they keep inviting him. If you noted two or more of the early signs you should start keeping a closer watch over him, I don't mean stalk him, I mean just keep an eye on his behaviour.
When your early suspicion becomes a little more serious
We all get suspicious our partners are cheating at some point in our lives, most of us more than once, but when does suspicion become a dreaded reality? Despite popular belief, the majority of men do not cheat and what one defines as cheating could be vastly different to another. Let's generalise it and say that if your man is flirting with other women this could be considered a minor form of cheating, he is testing the waters, he is playing these women and many of them will respond well to him thus opening the opportunity for him to cheat. Men who flirt a lot have a much higher chance of cheating than men who are very quiet or shy, it's simple logic.
Warning signs to look out for:
- Your boyfriend begins talking about other men/women or a specific person more than usual in a friendly or fond manner. When it comes to cheating, this other person is usually someone they know that they have met in person and they are single.
- He starts taking his phone everywhere with him, even to the toilet and may become very upset or agitated if you so much as move it.
- He starts showering more often, particularly if he comes home and goes straight to the shower which he did not previously do or he won't touch you without showering first.
- He starts seeing less of you, this gradually worsens and he may even fail to make plans with you.
- It gets harder to get in touch with him, applicable to the above statement and also he may be on the phone a lot or may be very distant from you.
- He is less interested in sex if your relationship is a sexual one. Often men who are cheating on their girlfriends and having sex will become less sexual and may even refuse sex.
- You find condoms, underwear, lubricant or unusual sexual items in with his things e.g. his bag, his car, his house that are not yours/you do not use.
- Other people start behaving strangely around you, men or women. They may act as though they're wary of you, they know something you don't or as though they are talking about you with no real reason to.
- He keeps you away from his friends, this applies especially so if you have often met his friends or even hang out with him and he doesn't want you near them.
- He has unlisted numbers on his phone or numbers that start with a symbol or a letter. I've heard stories where men have had things like "butcher" written in their phone or "hairdresser" just in case their girlfriend sees their phone, apparently having your butchers private number listed is less suspicious than the single letter listing.
- You discover photos of him topless, nude or explicit photos of him on his phone or computer he never showed you, or you find explicit/suggestive photos of other women in his texts or his photo library.
- Mood swings, men often have mood swings and can be very silent or very snappy when cheating. I have found in the past they have started going quiet and start beating around the bush or becoming angry/impatient when cheating.
- He appears guilty or won't look you in the eye and insists that nothing is wrong.
- He doesn't tell you he's made plans, he starts falling off the map, doesn't answer calls and starts going out more often especially without telling you.
- Someone else questions his behaviour. If someone else notices, it's not you being crazy.
At this stage you really do have a right to be suspicious, if you've answered two or more options from the first one and two or more from here then jump straight to the statement signs he is cheating on you. At this moment unless you have found any evidence such as underwear, used condom wrappers, hairs in the bed or anything strange, you really can't prove he's been cheating so confronting him and accusing him is not the best idea. You're a woman, you were born with the ability to manipulate and be cunning, so use it. Ask him sly questions very casually, behave as though nothing is wrong and slowly become increasingly affectionate and appear very happy, this tricks the men more often than not into guilty behaviours or slipping up and exposing more signs because they don't know what to do with themselves. If they're cheating at this point, they are probably wondering if they should or shouldn't stay with you and maybe if they have cheated once, they're thinking about telling you.
concrete signs he's cheating
Concrete signs and hard evidence can be very hard to come by especially if he's being clever and sneaky about his bad habits. Men who have cheated before on you or on someone else will have learned from the first time and will quickly become professional cheaters, able to hide almost all of the evidence.
- You find another woman's underwear in your shared bed/ his bed especially if accompanied by hairs, different sexual forms of protection than what you use, personal items of hers such as earrings or toiletries.
- One of his close male friends tells you openly and sincerely that he knows for a fact your boyfriend is cheating on you or he's certain he is.
- You find text messages from another woman in a flirtatious, sexual or loving manner. Try not to be too angry with her, often the women these men cheat with are oblivious to the fact you even exist.
- You find dating profiles of him online that list him as single, are active, being used often and women are responding to.
- You set up a fake internet profile of a beautiful but believable woman, speak to him and he wants to meet up with you and be intimate or he speaks to you in an inappropriate manner.
- He admits to his cheating.
- You catch him in bed with another woman/ out with another woman/ other.
- Someone else shows you pictures or video of him cheating/ with another woman. Make sure you can see a date when these pictures where taken which is possible with almost every phone nowadays.
- He starts trying to break up with you after signs in sections 1 and 2 arise.
- You find some physical evidence of addresses, phone numbers, information of women or plans.
- You find an engagement ring. This has happened to me personally, he became distant and started showing signs in sections 1 and 2, bought a ring and went off with another woman. Usually in these cases, the ring will be cheap, rarely will a cheater buy the other woman an expensive ring, you could even smuggle it and get it valued.
Before you confront him you need to have enough suspicious signs that he's cheating and preferably hard evidence. Don't listen to the whole "my friend put it there" or "that's not mine" or "male friend left it here" because that's a lie. Strike at these men like a snake and do it out of the blue when you know for a fact he's cheating, make sure you act as normally and sweetly as possible and then BAM, get at him, he won't see it coming and the true colours of a cheater will be exposed right in front of your eyes. Please don't assault him or anything, just bring it out suddenly, the worse he reacts and the angrier he gets (Especially if the excuses start flying) the faster you should be packing your bags.
Clever Ways you can use to Find Out if your Man is Cheating
As women we're clever, manipulative and extremely cunning. Especially nowadays there's really no reason for you to not suspect your man of cheating on you, nor is there any reason for you not to make the most of the technology we have, this includes talking with other women online.
The Fake Profile Scam:
This has to be the STRONGEST piece of evidence you can gather for proving your boyfriend is cheating. Simply go onto Facebook and create a profile under a woman's name, don't choose something silly or obvious but also fill in the brackets for a second name under the display one. The more information the profile has, the better, especially if a lot is set to friends only. As for pictures, choose a friend he has never met, never seen before and cannot see on Facebook, she can even block him. Take some pictures of her looking her best, one or two cheeky ones as well and upload a couple each day for a week or two. Don't just create a profile, put loads of status' and pictures up and add him randomly, you need to make it believable. Allow your trusted friend to have access so she can talk to him whilst you're together and so she can even offer her phone number, he can call her and not recognise the voice and she can either record the conversation or put him on speaker when she's with you so you can hear it. This point of this account is to add lots of friends, some mutual but nobody that will accuse the profile of being fake, nobody that knows the girl in the pictures and definitely not you. The profile is the little woman on the side and you want to get as much information from him as possible, start off friendly and see if it builds.
CCTV in your Own Home:
Some women are tech junkies and love their film making. What these women do is leave a laptop on sleep mode or set up a surveillance through it, you can learn about this online, which makes it appear as though the laptop is switched off but in reality the web camera is recording everything that goes on in your bedroom all day long. This method needs to be used for a couple of weeks or until you get some evidence, it's not foolproof but it is hard evidence if he brings another woman in. Nanny cams are a perfect way, these are cameras that are small, hidden and designed to keep an eye on the babysitter when she comes in to see the child, do not tell your man about the cameras and when he's not around you can watch the footage until you see something suspicious. ALWAYS save a copy of the video either from the CCTV camera, the laptop or whatever device you record from as evidence can be deleted, especially if he finds it.
The Undercover Friend:
This can be one of your friends or one of his friends and preferably the same gender. He is less likely to be wary of another man (unless he's gay) than he is of a female approaching or watching him. Having a friend whom he does not know keep tabs on him e.g. going to the same bar as him, following him to the cinema, watching his house for a while when he's coming home from a night out is a good way. Be careful, as long as your friend isn't peeping in windows, keeps their distance if near his house and does no physical damage to your boyfriend or his property, you are not breaking any laws. If you can enlist a trusted male friend of his or a female friend he hangs around with a lot to do the dirty work, all the better because this person can get in very close to him without alerting him, don't pick someone you don't know intimately that you can honestly trust.
The Statement Tracker:
Whilst you have no right to go through his personal things, if he lies things around openly or you are absolutely certain he is up to no good, you may briefly check things. If you see a bank statement in which he's bought dinner at a restaurant on his card, withdrawn copious amounts of money, bought things from certain stores or online (linger, jewellery, fine dining, phones) and you haven't seen any of these things, this calls for questioning. Offer to do his washing one day, check his pockets as is proper and if you find receipts or any form of note or statement you can check what he has bought, checking receipts is much safer and more polite than looking at a statement, it is also a way of telling what he has also paid for in cash. Messages on the answering machine, invoices, voicemails on his phone, texts or even letters. Men tend to stuff things away in cracks, spaces and drawers and hide them for later. As I said, you have absolutely no right to go through anything of his, but if you absolutely must go this route, it is up to you. Just be warned he may be very upset with you and it may not turn up anything.
Communicating with a Cheater.
It can be very difficult to communicate with cheater, whether he is a casual boyfriend or a committed husband, cheaters tend to avoid as many opportunities for serious talk as possible, hence why they often become verbally distant and avoid long conversation, they have something to hide and they don't want you bringing it up.
When to comes to communicating with one of these people, getting angry and frustrated and even shouting isn't going to help. It will only give them ammunition (and the right ammunition) to storm off and call you a psychotic girlfriend, you're not, you're just upset. Cheaters are excellent at hiding their true feelings and digging their way out of a hopeless situation.
Why do men stay in relationships and cheat?
It's common courtesy that if you're no longer interested or you want to be with someone else then you should be a polite person and leave your partner. Some men choose to remain in a relationship with their girlfriend/boyfriend and still cheat on them then they throw out the love card, yes ladies, they will still tell you they are desperately in love with you and the cheating means nothing. Is this true? no.
- You are satisfying them emotionally but not sexually.
- They are getting a pretty good deal out of you e.g. nice place to live, stuff paid for like bills/other, an easy life.
- You prevent them from being or feeling totally alone. Men who have lots of relationship problems and cheat often are mostly men that are lonely and very insecure.
- He doesn't know how to leave you, could be out of fear for his safety, your emotional/mental health or he just can't find the right words.
- He is shopping around, shopping for women and stays with you so he's not alone and if he changes his mind or can't find anything better, he will just stay with you if you let him.
- Arrogance leads them to believe you will roll over, forgive his cheating and then forgive it time and time again in the future when he goes off for some more, he thinks he's untouchable and he's so cocky he can get away with it without issue.
- He wants to try new things sexually, namingly things you won't try or he hasn't dared to ask you. Could be a fetish, could be a threesome.
- He is against monogamy and wants one of those new open relationships, in other words, he can't commit and he wants an excuse to cheat cheat cheat.
- He doesn't truly care for you. Even though you're the centre piece, you're actually playing the role of the piece on the side, he treats you like he would someone he's slept with a few times, doesn't care about and will come back for more when he's bored, only he's getting one of the above options from you which is keeping him there.
- He does not understand you're in a relationship or he has lead you to believe you're in one when you're really not.
What you must understand is that if you forgive a cheater once, he is going to do it again. You are not some exceptional goddess that floated down from the sky in a shower of glitter and pegasus', well you might be, but even Aphrodite can't defeat the almighty god of cheating. In other words, you can't change him.
Life is too short for you to waste on people that don't see how amazing and beautiful you are. If you haven't cheated on him in any way, you are a good girlfriend and you know you deserve better then you should get up, pack your stuff and leave. He's not worth it. Don't allow these men to wear the platform stilettos and trample you into the ground, gutting out your spine as well. There are plenty of men out there that would be on their knees with gratitude and adoration of you (maybe not literally) but one trashy man shouldn't put you off, there are plenty of things to look for. Honesty, kindness, dependability, mental stability, what type of guy he is. There's no use going and looking for marriage in a bar or a club, its not going to work.
I have seen too many women using the lines, but I love him, I can change him, he only did it once and promises never to do it again, he loves me, things can work out. Delusion is pure and simple, he didn't love you or care about you when he was sleeping with or cheating with that other women, he probably didn't even think about you. If he's cheated on you or someone else before and cheats on you again, don't believe you can change him because no one woman can change a man, the same as no one man can change a woman. Cheaters will cheat, pure and simple. Set aside your feeling and apply logic, if he's upsetting you, making you feel bad about yourself, disrespecting you or making you cry, toss him aside like a mouldy sandwich, he's poisonous to you and some of these cheaters will have you believe otherwise, they're crafty and he's trying to keep hold of you until something better comes along.
In the end it comes down to you, will you forgive the disrespect, the lies, the emotional blackmail, the cheating? Or will you rise like a Phoenix from the ashes and find yourself someone that will do you no wrong? It's up to you. Don't be a stereotype of a woman, many men believe a woman doesn't know her own mind, she is emotional and cries at every opportunity and is unable to maintain or manage anything, don't be that woman, be the woman you truly are and that is a strong, logical human being that uncovered his lies. Move on.