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How to train your man

Updated on January 8, 2012

Bad habits

Having been with my fiancé now for four years, I am pleased to say that he has completed half of his training and is well on his way to becoming house trained. We all have our little habits that are annoying to others. To be fair, Chris is a kind, gentle, caring and very loving man who treats me like a queen, and treats my ten year old daughter like she was his own. BUT........... and it's a big but, when it comes to bad habits, (cue the horror music) - he is in a class of his own. This article is in no way intended to offend any man - only my own!

Training techniques

As with any pet, before you take it on, you must find out all you can and have a training plan at the ready. Having studied the human male pet, it is important to get the bad habits stamped out with the correct training techniques. I thought it best to give you some examples of the training I have successfully implemented over the years.


Let training commence

In order to achieve the best possible results, it is imperative that you implement your training plan straight away. You want to have an alert and responsive pet who will be obedient and well behaved. Follow these simple steps, and you will be pleasantly surprised with the results:

Problem 1 : He has an imaginary wardrobe on the bedroom floor where he "hangs" his clothes at night.

Annoyance Factor : 8/10

Solution : Flatten the clothes into a neat pile and allow your cat/dog to use it as a bed. The hair on the garments should be enough to show him that the "real" wardrobe should be used to store clothes in the future!

Problem 2 : He stuffs neatly ironed and folded shirts into a drawer, with no regard for the time taken to carry out this chore.

Annoyance Factor : 7/10

Solution: Iron the collars only - your man will soon get the message

Problem 3 : Squeezing the toothpaste tube in the middle and leaving it like this for the next user to fix.

Annoyance Factor : 5/10

Solution : Don't waste time on training for this, instead, replace it with a pump action variety. He may be confused for a while, but will soon get the hang of it!

Problem 4 : He loses his wallet and blames you for moving it when you were tidying up.

Annoyance Factor : 3/10

Solution : Let him have his tantrum, ignore any bad behaviour and wait for him to calm down. Eventually he will start to look for it himself. Remember to give him plenty of praise when he finds it.

Problem 5 : He needs more fresh air and exercise which is sadly lacking.

Annoyance Factor : 1/10

Solution : Start off slowly by allowing him to fetch the newspaper from the front lawn and collecting the milk from the doorstep. Gradually build up until he feels he can visit the local grocery store unsupervised.

Problem 6 : Watching far too much football at the weekends (which is your only two days off work).

Annoyance Factor : 7/10

Solution : Buy a rattle and use it throughout the duration of the game.

Problem 7 : Wearing far too much over-powering aftershave.

Annoyance Factor : 2/10

Solution : This is one of the easier solutions as it will give you a headache - this comes in handy; especially at bedtime!

Problem 8 : Hogs the remote control. He is very territorial and never puts it down while watching his television programme.

Annoyance Factor : 4/10

Solution : Reward him with a small treat each time he puts down the remote control. He will eventually associate the two and this will make for a happier household.

Problem 9 : He doesn't clean the bathroom sink after he's had a shave.

Annoyance Factor : 9/10

Solution : Sprinkle the remnants of his stubble on his pillow! As with some puppy training methods, it's just like rubbing his face in it!

Problem 10 : He asks you how your day was, then doesn't listen to you when you tell him.

Annoyance Factor : 4/10

Solution : Wear ear plugs when he speaks - remember to nod and smile occasionally!


The do's and don'ts of training your man

  • Don't lose your temper or shout as this will confuse your pet and will accomplish nothing.
  • There is no instant miracle cure - be patient and you will see the rewards.
  • Do have a reward chart, you can then plot his progress.
  • A pet must look upon you as its master, play it cool and let him think that he's in charge once in a while.
  • Take regular breaks from training and relax. Pamper yourself, take it easy and perhaps give yourself a little treat e.g. chocolates or wine (or both)!

Disclaimer : No man was harmed during the making of this hub.


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    • jacqui2011 profile image

      jacqui2011 6 years ago from Norfolk, UK

      Hi epi, Lovely to hear from you and I really appreciate your comments. Thanks so much for the Facebook post too. I hope all is well with you too and sending you a hug and my best wishes. Take care. Jacqui.

    • epigramman profile image

      epigramman 6 years ago

      ...oh my goodness I love this very much - and with an attention grabbing title like that I simply just have to post the good natured wit and charm of this hub subject to my Facebook page with a direct link back here - I come inspired by your writing here and for a man - lol - I even learned a thing or two - lol lol

      lake erie time ontario canada 11:09pm I hope all is well with you (and your man) these days and sending you both warm wishes and good thoughts.

    • jacqui2011 profile image

      jacqui2011 6 years ago from Norfolk, UK

      @ The Blagsmith - you are a very astute man to catch onto the fact that we can lead a man into thinking that this was his idea. To be honest, I think that my partner has cottoned onto this one - Last weekend he wanted to go to the football and I wanted to go out, he actually tricked me into going to the pub to watch the game on the big screen. He said he would get to see his beloved team play and I got my afternoon out! I would never mock your manhood. Lol. Only my partners!

      He told me recently that women have only 2 things wrong with them:

      everything they say and

      everything they do!

      Anyway, not got time to waffle on, it's bedtime and I have still to sprinkle the stubble on his pillow. Lol.

      Thanks for stopping by, Loved your comments and the vote up :)

    • The Blagsmith profile image

      The Blagsmith 6 years ago from Britain

      As a man, my wife is very patient and calm with me. However, this puts her in a good situation. When she does 'lose it' I listen. She always wins when she pulls this ace.

      Another trick I heard that a woman sometimes plays is when she wants something, she will lead her man into a discussion that will lead him to suggest it. Then she will praise him for the idea. However, be warned ladies, this can work both ways.

      Thanks for the hub Jacqui, loved it in spite of the fact that it mocks my manhood. Voted up and interesting.

    • jacqui2011 profile image

      jacqui2011 6 years ago from Norfolk, UK

      Hi Stephanie. I have the same problem with the remote control, I don't know what it is about it, it's like a little friend to him. Mine even hid it from my 10 year old daughter when he popped out for a newspaper on Sunday! It's looking like the last resort is removing the batteries! Thanks for your comments and for the vote up, its appreciated.

    • Stephanie Henkel profile image

      Stephanie Henkel 6 years ago from USA

      I laughed at this, and loved some of your solutions to breaking your "pet's" bad habits! After MANY years of marriage, I'm still trying to gain control of the TV remote... hubby will carry it into the kitchen when he gets a snack or even in the bathroom with him! I've thought about taking out the batteries...

      Voting up and funny!

    • jacqui2011 profile image

      jacqui2011 6 years ago from Norfolk, UK

      @ Movie Master - Hi and thanks for stopping by. I think tonight I might take the batteries out of the tv remote and see how long it takes him to realise!! Lol. Thanks for the vote up.

    • Movie Master profile image

      Movie Master 6 years ago from United Kingdom

      Hi jacqui, this is such a funny hub - number 8, what is it with men and the territorial thing with the remote control??

      Some useful tips here that I know I will find useful taming my man!

      A big vote up!

    • jacqui2011 profile image

      jacqui2011 6 years ago from Norfolk, UK

      @ CASE1WORKER - Happy New Year. It's nice to hear from you. Your daughter has done really well to train hers so young, there is a lot of hope for her pet. I'm glad you were able to re-home one successfully. I just wish mine had come with a manual! Only joking, he just needs reminding now and again. Thanks for your comments, they made me laugh.

    • jacqui2011 profile image

      jacqui2011 6 years ago from Norfolk, UK

      @ alexsaez1983 - Very true, nobody is perfect and I probably have a few faults myself.....yes it's hard to believe, but true!! Lol. I'm not a feminist really, I just like to laugh at the expense of my fiancé. He tries his best, bless him, but he has his little ways! Thanks for reading.

    • jacqui2011 profile image

      jacqui2011 6 years ago from Norfolk, UK

      @ THEHuG5 - Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. It made me laugh when I was writing it. Thanks for stopping by.

    • jacqui2011 profile image

      jacqui2011 6 years ago from Norfolk, UK

      @ sweetzara - Hi and thanks so much for your comments. I had a lot of fun writing this and a lot of fun.

    • CASE1WORKER profile image

      CASE1WORKER 6 years ago from UNITED KINGDOM

      Brilliant- I would also add that if possible get them into training while they are young. My daughter did this and started to train hers pre GCSE. Now she is finishing her degree he is almost fully trained, although he does on occasions have lapses.

      In my case I rehomed one and to be honest despite a lot of training the bad habits are ingrained and seem to be impossible to stop.

    • profile image

      alexsaez1983 6 years ago

      Interesting hub. I can say I have a few of those habits myself, but hey, nobody's perfect.

      I actually wrote a recent hub about feminism and how it takes a one-sided approach to gender equality. I wonder how well this would have been received had it been called "How to Train Your Woman" lol! Not that I'm calling you a radical feminist or anything, don't get me wrong.

    • THEHuG5 profile image

      THEHuG5 6 years ago

      This is a funny hub! I liked the solution for the stubble in the sink after he shaves I might just have to implement that one lol. Voting up!

    • sweetzara profile image

      Zara Rasul 6 years ago from Mumbai, India

      Hi! This is a really funny hub! Not to mention it's extremely useful! Love it!

    • jacqui2011 profile image

      jacqui2011 6 years ago from Norfolk, UK

      @ Robie Benve - That's a good point you make. Chris is cooking tonight and I'm not looking forward to the trail of destruction that is the aftermath of his culinary creation! He seems to use every pot and spoon when he cooks. I actually let him read this hub and he laughed! I wouldn't have him any other way though. Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.

    • Robie Benve profile image

      Robie Benve 6 years ago from Ohio

      Funny! I would add in the Don'ts section: be subtle: don't let him know that you are training him! Or you may not have a man to train after all. :)