How To Find True Love
Love - best hunted with a recurve bow...
True love is elusive, but at some point in life, almost everyone is seized with a desire to find it. True Love is the blush on a maiden's cheeks, it is the sparkle if stars on a clear night, it is the heat that drives the leaping flame, the inherent instability that creates a nuclear reaction. You get my drift.
Sometimes it seems as if everyone else can find true love but you. Even those flies going at it on the window seem happier than you are, dammed flies. Even if you spray them to their chemical deaths, they'll just end up buzzing together in a romantic dirge of two little fly hearts going to the afterlife together. It's sickening really.
It is true that finding true love is a very difficult process indeed. True love is a wily quarry, and there are few that can claim to be be expert hunters. This is partially due to the fact that once people bag one true love they tend to cling to it and keep it close to them, forsaking all other hunts. Therefore information on the subject tends to be sparse at best, and ill informed at worst. I'm not going to pretend that any of this is any better, but you never know where you will find inspiration, that final little piece of information that leads you to the love of your life. Treat true love like a picture on a milk carton, a mystery you must solve, and eventually you will be successful, or wrapped up in some international ring of mystery, either way, you win.
Places to look for 'True Love”
Where you least expect it: People often say that you will find true love when you least expect it, or when you stop looking for it. This is exactly the sort of tricky logic that true love is famous for. If you sit very still, you might be able to catch it out of the corner of your eye, but look at it directly, and you're screwed.
Right where you were the whole time: How many times have you read one of those soppy stories where the hero or heroine goes on journeys all around the world only to find that what they were really looking for was at home the whole time. Maybe its time you tried paying attention to them. Are there any people at home that you find attractive? It is generally recommended to leave family members out of these considerations, due to a high level of genetic defects that can arise in the fruits of such unions, and due to the fact that it is generally regarded by society as being 'really really gross, dude'.
In the U Bend: All sorts of things get trapped in the U Bend, maybe your portion of true love slipped down there too. Other possible places include behind the refrigerator, or in the dust bag of the vacuum cleaner, you may have accidentally sucked it up, after all, if it can happen to a gerbil, then it could happen to true love too.
If you are lucky enough to find true love in any of these places, be sure to pounce on it immediately and make it yours. True love means never letting go, in the face of trials, tribulations, and even restraining orders.