Hurt Me to Hurt You
A Strange Version of 'Revenge'
There are those who perform self-destructive acts with a belief their actions are hurting another.
In their twisted reasoning performing a particular act 'fixes' others when in reality they are the ones who suffer.
Sometimes, the person they choose to hurt is oblivious. However, the perpetrator actually believes by harming themselves another person is hurt.
An image
Imagine a bunch of kids happily racing to the park to play ball. One kid decides to sit in the corner. S/he sits there to ‘fix’ the other kids.
S/he doesn't realize the other kids are unaware. They are having fun, they don’t notice s/he is sitting in the corner.
S/he thinks she matters so much that the others are effected by this. Despite the evidence they are oblivious, s/he is sure they are distressed.
Few people who practice this kind of behavior realize it is less than pointless.
The only one being deprived of fun is the corner sitter. The others are enjoying their lives.
Only the most deluded of mentalities can not grasp this attempt at hurting others is a failure.
In Older 'children'
EXAMPLE
Melanie applied to some University far away. The parents couldn't afford it and suggested she attend one nearby.
To 'fix' her parents she went to live with her aunt in another city and attended a community college of far less value than the one in her home town.
Unable to admit she had made a mistake she continued her life, married and went into oblivion, still feeling she hurt her parents by not attending the local University.
Abusive Husband's Reasons
In many cases, this form of behavior is often the prelude to an aggressive action.
The Practitioner of this behavior may sit silent in the corner. After a period of being unnoticed, angrily rise and maybe provoke a fight.
Abusive husbands adopt this practice to give them a reason to go ‘ballistic’. The husband denies himself something he wants so as to ‘fix’ the wife.
The wife isn’t fixed. She doesn’t notice or recognize...”Husband is denying himself this.... to punish me.” Hubby, angry that Wife doesn’t respond as ‘expected’ will say something which should provoke a response and give him a ‘reason’ to pummel her.
Defining the Behaviour
Once one recognizes this aberrant behavior, it becomes a sick comedy.
The kid who punishes himself, thinking he’s hurting others, needs to understand the is not as special to others as he thinks he is.
The teenager who refuses to attend college to fix her parents is only damaging her future, not theirs.
The perpetrator can not recognize that the only person suffering is him/herself.
Often parents feel hurt by the child's self denials trying to discover what they did wrong. The fact is, the wrong belongs to the child.
How It Hurts
What makes this behaviour so destructive is that it produces the opposite of the desired result.
For example, Frank had issues with his parents. He had this entire ‘narrative’ that they didn’t care about him and were self centered.
As an adult, his parents, (who were divorced) tried on separate and various occasions to explain to him what happened and that his ‘narrative’ was wrong.
Frank choosing his ‘hurt me to hurt you’ response shut the door on his parent's attempts to explain or clarify.
He did it when he was a teenager, he did it when he was in his mid twenties, and he did it in his early thirties.
His parents stopped. Stopped bringing their lives to a halt to reason with him. They assumed he 'hated' them and so, went off to live their lives with people who liked them.
Frank was in his mid forties when he suddenly realized he was the kid, sitting in the corner, while everyone else was playing.
His father had gone on to marry again and had children. His mother did the same. They had other children, now grown, whom they visited and spoke with every week.
Some how he realized that he had pushed them away.
Other People
Those who practice this kind of behaviour can often be helped by simply visualising being another person. Imagine being that boy who just threw that basket, or that woman who is being ignored.
Putting one's self in the shoes of another, seeing it from their side is all that it takes for one to abandon this destructive behaviour. Because it is destructive.
It hurts the practioner; and has everyone else shrugging.
