Husband vs. Salesman

Calling all salesmen. Do you need to make a sale? Are you having a hard time closing the deal? Look no further than my wife. She can help even the most novice salesperson make that big sale. She is an easy target, ready to listen to even the shadiest sales pitch. This happens all too often when we are out together, the thought of her alone out there frightens me.

A few nice words and an average product are all it takes. She cannot say no. Tell her the product is on sale and she's all yours. Usually I am there to keep this from happening. I ask obvious questions, and try to use sense and logic to make my case against buying their products.

The salesperson will look at me with masked contempt. I’m sure they want to tell me to take a hike; they could make this sale if it weren't for that cheap husband! But they can’t, they stand there smiling at my wife, trying to persuade her not to listen to me. Do it for yourself girl! As this tug of war rages on between myself and the salesperson, my wife stands blissfully between us trying to decide just how many products she will buy.

During Christmas we were at the mall doing some last minute shopping. We walk past a kiosk, Would you like to try blah blah blah shiny nail enhancer thingy? Its cutting edge technology….. I go with my standard I have that and love it answer that I use on salespeople everywhere. It’s perfect, they can’t call my bluff. But it was too late, I saw my wife walking closer, mesmerized by the shiny nail thingy. Oh no, I think to myself.

My wife has many great qualities, some of which get her in trouble in these situations. The lady starts to work her magic on my wife’s thumbnail, repeating her sales pitch she has used hundreds of times already that day. Then my wife looks down at her nail “WOW!” Uh oh, this is going to be a tough one. It’s time for my go to tactic, “Why don’t we walk down to the store and then grab it on the way out, that way you don’t have to carry it” I say, trying to get the ball rolling. The salesperson's eyes are shooting daggers. I look away.

“I can throw in an extra nail file” The salesperson blurts out, countering my suggestion to walk. This is an act of desperation. “We have a really busy schedule”, I say deciding it’s a great time to hug my wife and at the same time nudge her in my direction. “Okay, but I’ll be here until 3, so come back!” she says, defeated.

As we walk off, she’s already moved on “Would you like to try…” she says to the next prospective buyer . I look back, and then to my wife, smiling. She’s looking at her nail “It really does look good.”

"Yes it does honey, it looks great." I say, starting to relax. That was a close call I think to myself. And it was, I try to veer away from the kiosks or any big HUGE SALE! signs. It is my job to keep myself focused, and keep my wife out of harm's way. We make it through the rest of the day unscathed, I take direct routes, and we make it to the parking lot, which is always my favorite part of the mall.