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She Can't Stop Pressuring Her BF Into Proposing - Relationship Advice

Updated on April 9, 2010

Dear Veronica,

I've been eagerly reading your website in regards to when guys are just not ready to settle down. I've never thought that I wanted to get married before this guy... I'm 26 and he's 28 and we've been living together and have been together for the past two years. Everything has been fantastic, until I turned into this emotional wreck whenever marriage is spoken of... All around me this year people/colleagues/friends have been getting engaged - and we have attended a number of weddings. I have spoken to him about it and he now says that he's not TOTALLY averse to marriage anymore and when he speaks of me to friends he wishes that we'll be together forever... I think it's more about me feeling so out of control when I've realised that this is something I want for the both of us... To marry our best friend... I've explained it to him as such and he sees my reasoning but I still feel like a 'loser' for getting so emotional over it. I've even come to think that perhaps I should ban myself from weddings?? Can you give me any advice?

Thanking you,

Don't Let Me Blow This

Dear Don't Let Me Blow This,

Your question is presented in such a way that indicates that you're saying this is your problem, and what can you do to help yourself work through it. I commend you for that. Not blaming your partner and pointing fingers but looking inside of your own behavior first is the mark of maturity. Well done.

He is saying that he's not totally adverse to marriage one day, and that he'd like to be with you forever. That is nice. But that doesn't actually show you that you're working toward the same goal. Actions speak louder than words. Is he showing you, or demonstrating in any way, that he is planning to spend his life with you. Is he saving money, is he joint with you in matters of finance. Does he include you in major life decisions like job changes and major purchases.

Don't discount that you are both still fairly young, and he honestly may just not be ready at his young age to plan that far into the future.

Going by your original proposal that this is your problem, let's examine what you can do to relax.

Communicating clearly is the first step. Have you let him know you're aware that you're having a problem and you don't know how to stop it? By letting him know it's not his fault and that you feel bad that you're behaving this way and now you're asking him for his help, he will most likely step into that "Men are from Mars" mindset and want to heal or fix you. This is good. This is a bonding thing, that lets him feel that he hasn't fucked up, and that you need him. Men like to feel those two things.

One way you can ask him to help you fix this, is to give you some sort of a more solid indicator or token of his sincere intention to marrying you one day, as much as he's capable of now at this young age. Maybe a promise ring, or a joint bank account for wedding savings would do the trick for you. You could ask him what ideas he has, and really listen to them. What you're looking for here is to get yourself into a safer more secure feeling about your future together. Even if he suggest something you think is lame, if it's demonstrating that he sees his future with you, accept it.

For example, if he suggests opening an account to save for the honeymoon, don't react by saying, well there has to be a wedding before the honeymoon. See his suggestion for what it is. It's saying, "I am not ready to talk about the wedding. But obviously if I'm planning a honeymoon, I'm planning to take the steps that come before the honeymoon."

Even something as simple as making your first joint purchase together is a significant token of his seeing you as a partner.

Even if you two don't come up with a solid way to help you through this wedding crisis, just the communication can really help. I hope you can find a way to turn this into a bonding experience rather than a source of contention. 

You sound very insightful and self-aware. Those are really positive things and I have every faith that you will work this through.

Keep me posted,

This Hub was

written by Veronica for Hubpages. All text is original content by Veronica. All photos are used with permission. All videos are courtesy of Youtube.

Send me your relationship questions. No subject is too personal.

Comments

Submit a Comment

  • Veronica profile imageAUTHOR

    Veronica 

    8 years ago from NY

    Amberheart,

    A compromising middle step is a great idea. Like, a promise ring, or opening a joint savings account where you both deposit so much a week, saving toward your future together - the wedding, the house, etc.

  • Amberheart profile image

    Amberheart 

    8 years ago from Everywhere GREAT!

    This is a great hub, I felt a little like this I would bring it up alot everytime i saw it on tv or my friends getting engaged but when i noticed it wasn't working I tried something else let it go and now he is the one who wants to go look at rings and talks about kids. but you have to be on the same page so maybe ask him to meet you half way that sometimes works

  • shabarigirish profile image

    shabarigirish 

    8 years ago

    Nice hub. keep it up

working

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