I Had the Perfect Date Except for the Smart Alec Spinach

that one day that shall live in the annals of mankind. Mine. How can I put something this awful into sensible measuring? When "that" day came and vanished, it would have been like Vladir Putin going haywire with Power Greed and pushing that "Red Button of Destruction. (Notice the term Red).

Prior to what I will call, "The Hades Day," I had it made. I had the near-perfect job making good money, driving a beautiful car and having a closet full of slick clothing. And to make my life better, a crew of life-long buddies who have went with me in the bad as well as the good times.

But even with their loyalty, they would have bailed and I would possibly be left alone. I just couldn't get my head around such pain.

at the top. This is Romain Lettuce, one of the best vegetables that was ever plucked and sold by a produce farmer outside of Los Angeles, CA., causing me the farmer, a hard-working member of the Small Business Sector, to let hatred start to boiling inside my spirit and after a short time, I think that I might have written a sizzling letter to the editor of my local newspaper--telling subscribers to stay away from all Romain Lettuce and I would have made up the reason why.

Anyway. There I would have stood just inside a local restaurant that would have been THE perfect eatery for both the single and married folk. But right now, I choose to not talk anymore about Romain Lettuce.

ago, namely three and a half years to be exact, I know that if things had of worked out as I thought it would, I would not be sitting here squawling like a frightened member of George Custer's Calvary and talking to complete strangers about how something so little, and yet so big can cause one man so much devastation.

I can tell you that in the days of when I was single, I will come clean. My dating life was less than bright spots in a man's life. In fact, my dating life was so awful that I could not share it with my grandson--and you know that there is this mysterious bond between grandpa's and grandsons and the grandsons are in awe of the grandpa's many social conquests--namely the number of girls he dated.

(Sigh). No days of memory or grandeur for yours truly.

would have been THE most-ideal moment in any man's life. She was the picture of beauty. She could have easily-graced any cover of any magazine out there on the market and yet, stay so humble after it was over.

At first, I know what I would have done. I would have taken it easy because I would not want THIS girl to run away. No, sir. She was a living, breathing doll that would have dropped into my life IF, I had only visited the men's room that was adjacent to the restaurant's lobby. But did I? What do you think?

Right now, at this point, some caring stranger should have jumped at the chance to tell me about my obviously-vulgar fashion faux pa, but there would not have been anyone like that where I was going--to sit with the girl of my dreams--not to fall to pieces while I was falling in love during dinner, but I was going to take things easy.

(Sigh.) If only.

I Would Have Sat Down

at her table and we both would have exchanged our niceties and we would have sat down and probably started-up a sensible conversation about how good this restaurant was and how affordable the ribeye steak was on the menu--things that a man should talk about when in the company of a lovely girl like the one that I could have had.

When the waiter took our order, I did not notice anything strange. But apparently someone in the eating area did. I remember the couples sitting near the window and hearing them laugh and point at me. I didn't know why because I wasn't that big, so they couldn't make a time of elephant jokes at this time.

(Sigh.) When the waiter took our orders, we thanked him and would have started eating. Then there it was . . .that low life Romain Lettuce! Low life is not the absolute worse that would have happened, but it might have felt like it.

(Gulp.) The pretty girl gave me some flimsy excuse for having to leave so early--she told me that she had to leave and help take her eldest aunt to the doctor. I know me. I would have not questioned the pretty girl.

But as she walked away, I walked to the men's room and there it was: the vulgar Romain Lettuce, oh not a big hunk sticking from my mouth . . .just a big enough piece that might have jammed between my front teeth.

If is and will always be the strongest word.

February 3, 2019____________________________