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I Know What Women Want

Updated on July 1, 2022
Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah is a writer, healer and teacher. Her goal is to help people to transform their lives from the inside out. Live your best life now.


She just needs relief

She showers in preparation. Shaves her legs. Sometimes wears perfume. She doesn't get dressed up, but she is excited. She has been looking forward to today all week. She thought Friday would never come.

When she arrives, the room is ready. It is dim. Lit only by a few lavender scented candles, and the light from a small waterfall on a table near the bed. Music plays softly, new agey, flutes and drums, with ocean waves crashing in the background. The room is relaxing. She undresses, slides between the sheets onto the warm table, and waits for me to enter the room.

I am not her lover. It is not an illicit tryst on a Friday afternoon. I am her massage therapist. She comes to me because she hurts. She is stressed and tense. With touch, I share the energy of the universe. Healing, love and forgiveness flow through my hands and into her body, her skin, and into her energy field.

Muscles and tissues, once tense, sore and painful, slowly soften and relax as I rub warm oil. I begin gently, using a light touch to smooth oil on her dry skin. How long has it been since someone has rubbed her arms? As she warms to my touch, I become more firm, pulling and rubbing muscles, relaxing them. When did someone last feel her calves? How long since the small of her back felt a warm, non-judging hand? As I work my way along her body, she slowly relaxes, melting into the table. Sometimes she sleeps, as the tension and stress of her life flow out. I do not judge. I share healing, love, and forgiveness through touch.

Some of the benefits of massage

Sure, a massage is relaxing. But what are some of the other benefits you can enjoy from a massage?

1. Massage can relieve tension in the neck, shoulders and lower back. Millions of people suffer from neck, shoulder and back pain. This tension is often caused by working at a desk all day, sitting at a computer, and sitting in general. A massage can relieve the trigger points in the neck and shoulders, helping you feel better at work, and in the rest of your life.

2. Massage increases blood flow into sore muscles. A good massage therapist will work firmly, but not roughly, and help increase blood flow into all areas of your body. If you have chronic back pain, a regular massage can help relieve the pain.

3. Massage can relieve anxiety and stress. Human touch releases endorphins into the blood stream. A 2005 study, published in the International Journal of Neuroscience showed that women diagnosed with breast cancer, who received regular massage, reported less depression and less anger. In another study, people suffering stress and anxiety reported feeling happier and more relaxed following a massage. And those effects lasted for up to two days following the massage.

4. Massage helps you sleep. Following a massage, people who reported trouble sleeping slept longer and more restfully than they had before their massage. And in infants, massage helps reduce crying and irritability and increases their REM sleep patterns.

5. Massage improves your immunity. A 2010 study in the Journal of Alternative and Complementary Medicine showed that those who received regular massage had higher white blood cell counts. Those white blood cells help the body fight disease. And massage helps improve immune function for those who suffer from chronic illness as well.

6. Massage can relieve headaches and migraines. The next time you have a headache, wether it's from stress, work or sleeping funny on your neck, book a massage. A single massage can relieve not only chronic headaches, but also the surprise headache that attacks at the end of the day.

Do you know what she wants?

Often, when a woman comes for a massage, she is stressed, tired and hurting. Some women talk during the entire hour. I learn a lot about the relationships she's in, with her spouse, her children, her boss, her coworkers, and her friends.

These women just need someone to listen, who will not judge what they are saying, or be critical of their decisions. They want to talk, without being fixed or changed or helped. They just need to get something off their chest.

Sometimes, a woman will confide a problem during her massage. She will share her thoughts, and her possible solutions, and then she will ask my opinion. When this happens, I work quietly, feeling her energy, noticing where in her body her energy feels blocked, and listening for guidance from a Higher Power. I don't say much, but I listen a lot. When we get to the end of the hour, I often have been inspired to say something. It is not always comfortable, and it doesn't usually make sense to me. When I share the message I have received, so far, without exception, it is exactly what the person needed to hear, in order to move forward with something in their life.

Sometimes, an exhausted woman will collapse on the table and fall asleep immediately. She might chat for a moment or two to begin, but then she is sleeping soundly, finally able to rest. These women are tired, not only from not getting enough sleep in general, but also fatigued emotionally and weary. They just need rest. In these times, I quietly and gently work on her, allowing her to rest completely. Energetically speaking, I share healing and restoring energy as I make my way down her arms to her hands, and to her feet.

My wife doesn't like sex. Will a massage fix that?

I get a lot of mail and messages from men, complaining that their wives don't like sex. The messages are pretty similar: She isn't interested. She doesn't make any effort. She doesn't initiate. She doesn't respond. I would like to address all the men, who think their women don't like sex.

Women do like sex. What women really want, above all else, is to be valued, cherished, and touched. Women do not like "wham, bam, thank-you ma'am". For everyone, especially women, touch is essential and sensual. When you get away from touching your wife, feeling her skin, enjoying her softness, then you lose the intimate bond that makes connecting to you a pleasure for her. She does not want to be "done." She wants to be loved and felt and appreciated for who and what she is in your life.

To give a woman what she wants takes plenty of forethought. A massage is not something you have to do everyday. Many of you have never done this, so doing it once will be a pleasant surprise for your woman. I will outline the art of massage, that you may give your woman what she really wants. Your touch.

How often do you connect intimately with your spouse, without having sex?

See results

She wants to relax


Setting the Stage for a Massage

First, prepare the setting. Children must be sound asleep, or away from the house. Or, get a hotel room for the night. Do not reserve a room, thinking that you are gonna get the good stuff. Rent the room with the intention of serving your woman. After the room is procured, and secured, it must be prepared.

The following items are essential for a great experience, and they are not expensive or hard to do:

Candles: Put several candles around the room. Setting them near mirrors to reflect the soft glow will double the amount of lighting. Scented candles are nice, and can create a relaxing atmosphere. Look for lavendar or something else soothing and not too pungent. Nothing too flowery either, as the smell can be overpowering and distracting. One large scented candle and several small "tea light" candles will do the trick. Your wife probably has many candle holders around, if you look. Light the scented candle about an hour before the massage, in order for the scent to infuse the room.

Candles not only make the room seem comfortable and intimate, they offer a soft light that feels safe for your woman. Give her soft lighting and she will feel less exposed and less self-conscious. You want her to feel comfortable and safe. If she feels on edge, or like she will need to perform, then she will not relax, and the massage will not be nearly as effective.

Candles set the mood


Music soothes

Add a little mood music

Music: In addition to candlelight, soothing music is a must. If you don't have a CD player or stereo, get speakers for your ipod. Some great sensual music for massage is the artist Ali Farka Toure. His albums "Talking Timbuktu" and "In The Heart of The Moon" are especially sensual and relaxing. You can get them on iTunes. If you have access to Pandora, they have several pre-set stations of "spa music" and "massage music" that provide relaxing, soothing music.If you have a laptop, bring it and go to Youtube. Search for spa music or relaxation music. The variety is unlimited. Music without lyrics is typically less distracting and will allow her to let her mind wander while she relaxes completely.

While you may feel compelled to play some jazz or blues or whatever you think her favorite genre is, temporary music is distracting. One or both of you will find yourselves humming along, and before you know it, the mood will be gone. Stay safe with something soft, quiet and instrumental.

Let the music play in the room for a while before beginning your massage. This will create a flow of positive energy, and fill the room with relaxing vibes. Allow the music and the candles to work before you begin. Don't try to light the candles and choose the music while she is in the room. Have everything ready before she is ever there.

If you are home, put two soft blankets on the bed, on top of your regular bedding. One is for her to lay on, the other is for her to lie under. This will protect your bedding from oil, and any other fluids that may stain. Actually, you will want to have those two blankets especially if you are at a motel, to protect yourselves from whatever stains may already be on the bed. Be sure to have a door that locks. She will only be able to fully relax if she is confident that the massage will not be interrupted.


What are you trying to accomplish?

Intention: When the room is ready, the candles are lit, the music is playing and the oil is warm, it is time to set your intention. Your intention should not be "to get laid". Save that for some other night. Tonight (or today), think loving, healing, serving thoughts. Concentrate on making the woman in your life comfortable. Make her feel loved, adored, beautiful. When you set your intention in your heart and in your head, it will manifest in your hands. You can offer healing, love and energy by first setting your mind. You will both be amazed at what energy your hands can transmit when you have set your mind properly.

Before you begin, ask your wife to shower or take a hot bath. While she is doing this, you can make your preparations with the candles, music and oil. You don't have to tell her what you are doing, but you might want to give her a heads up. Take some time to mentally prepare yourself to serve, and allow your hands to deliver that message.

Once she is ready, have her go into the room alone, and lie between the blankets alone. You will wait in the hallway, or in another room. Tell her to close her eyes and relax. Before you enter the sanctuary, remind yourself of your intention to love and serve her. Give her a few moments to relax and enjoy the warm room, the scent of the candles and to just relax, before you begin. Enter the room quietly and try not to talk. This is not about you. It is about serving and loving.

Oil is Essential

Oil: The only other thing you need is oil. Neutrogena makes a nice oil, available at most drugstores or Wal-mart. It is called Body Oil, and costs about fifteen dollars for sixteen ounces. It is sesame oil, and lightly scented. You can usually find it near the bath products or with the Neutrogena products. Sesame oil is a light oil, that absorbs quickly into the skin, so you will use a lot of it, if you are doing a sensual massage.

Another option is almond oil, which is available at Whole foods or Vitamin Cottage. Almond oil is much more viscous and slippery. You can use much less, with great results. It is sold unscented, so it would be thoughtful to add a few drops of lavender oil. This can also be procured at Vitamin Cottage, or Whole Foods, or any other health food type store.

It is a nice touch to warm the oil, and this is not hard. Get a large coffee mug, or other tall container. Put the container of oil inside the mug. Add hot, not boiling water, and let the oil sit in the hot water for about half an hour prior to your massage. If you feel the mug and it feels cool, replace the water with more hot water. You can also fill a sink with hot water and place the container of oil in the sink to warm.

Warm oil is soothing and better absorbed into the skin. It will also help your woman relax more deeply and completely.

The Proper Technique

So how is a massage done? The technique is not complicated. Have her lay on her back, facing up. Begin at her head. First massage her neck and shoulders. Most women carry a heavy burden of worry in their shoulders and neck, resulting in headaches and a lot of frowning. Reaching your hands under her neck, firmly rub her neck and shoulders. You can also lightly massage her forehead and brows, where she stores her frustration. Gently work on the temple area, and work your way back to her neck and shoulders.

Next, work your way down one arm to her hands, using firm kneading motions with your hands. Rub her fingers, then her arm, all the way back up to her neck. Now, make your way down the other arm, and repeat. Once you get back to her neck, work on her neck and shoulders again.

Now you will work your way down the side of her body. While it may be tempting to uncover her, and stare at her breasts, or cares them, resist the temptation. This is her time to relax, and if you begin acting sexual, she will tense up immediately.

Instead, lift the blanket from one side, exposing her side, but keeping her breast covered. Gently rub her one side, down the side of her back and hip, still using a firm kneading. Work on one leg, paying attention to her knees, and calves, and make your way completely down the leg. Then give her foot lots of attention. The feet carry us throughout the day, and rarely get enough attention.

Once you've completely finished one side, cover her up and tuck her in. Now, go to the other side and work your way down the other leg, making sure to give her other foot lots of attention. Again, cover her up when you are finished and tuck her shoulders in snugly.

Finally, massage both feet at the same time. She will think she has gone to heaven. Women love to have their tired feet cared for, and when you work on both at the same time, it is very enjoyable. You don't have to spend a long time on her feet, but rub each toe and the bottoms of her feet, using firm pressure.

Now have her turn onto her stomach. Rub her back firmly. Down one arm, rub her back again. Down the other arm. Knead her buttocks with your fists. Be firm, not sexual. Work down one leg, to the foot. Other buttock firmly, work down the other leg to the foot. Work slowly and firmly, paying attention to her muscles and where she feels tight. Listen to her body. If you pay attention, you will notice areas where she feels tense, and you can apply a little extra pressure there. Remember, this is about her, not you. It is about sharing touch and intimacy, without the expectation of getting anything in return.

Before you finish, return to her back. Finish your massage by rubbing her back again. Be firm with your hands, but not so much that you hurt her. Revisit her tense shoulders and neck, as well as her upper and lower back.

That is the nutshell version of how to give a massage, and where to work.

When you begin, put a few drops of oil in your palm, rub your hands together, then slide your hands on the body part you are working on. Glide your hands up and down that section until it has a thin layer of oil, then massage more firmly, gripping and rubbing the muscles under the skin. Don't be rough, be firm. Add more oil, as you feel necessary by placing it in your palms and rubbing your hands together.

As you work, keep her covered by the blanket. This is important for several reasons. First, she needs to be warm. Regardless of how warm the room is, she is nude, or mostly nude and can get easily chilled.

Second, she needs to feel comfortable and secure. A blanket provides emotional security, by concealing what we perceive our flaws to be. The weight of a blanket is comforting and helps her relax.

Third, she needs to feel protected. This massage is not about you, so stop trying to stare. Just uncover the area where you are working and let her feel safe with you. She wants to relax and if you are trying to peer at her, she will likely tense up, rather than relax. The blanket offers protection and helps her understand that your motives are not about you, but about giving her a good massage.

Another important factor is to be quiet. She may want to talk. Don't answer in sentences. A simple "Hmm" or "yes" will suffice for an answer. If she talks, let her talk, but don't engage. Just quietly share energy. Now is not the time for talking about anything. Whatever you want to say will wait an hour, while you share love, touch and energy with the woman you love.

The Importance of Touch

Humans need touch. We thrive when we are touched intimately, without sex. To separate touch from sex is cruel, and you will find your woman less responsive, if her needs remain unmet. When you offer your woman a massage, with no strings attached, she may at first appear skeptical. She may doubt your intentions. She may question your true motives. Show her that you love her by offering her touch. That is what she wants.

What women really want is to feel loved, beautiful, secure, with the man they love. You can easily give her these things, and the benefit to your relationship will be greater than you can imagine.

Try it. I dare you.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2010 Deborah Demander


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