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I Question My Self Worth

Updated on September 1, 2010

"Damn!," I thought to myself as the end of my heel broke off on the hard pavement. I shouldn't have been running on with my high heels on but I just wanted to get away. Away from him. The love of my life. My dress already stained from the salt and muck smeared on me from the side of that car I piled into as I bolted out of the apartment into the street. I don't even know where I'm going. He confuses me so. He picks on everything about me. If I dress right, if I look right, if I get somewhere on time... I know I'm lucky to have him but I'm just so... so... I don't know what I am. A fuck up. Can't keep a job at a lousy local tavern. Even though it was full of jerks who pawed at me and still left lousy tips. The same jerks my boyfriend is jealous of. Who would be "in the mood" after a night at that bar?

There's Mike sitting by the window of Starbucks. By himself again. What the hell. I need a place to think anyway. He's always glad to see me, the poor guy. He's not ugly but definitely not my type. He's so sweet though. Maybe he can cool me off before I go back to the apartment? I wish I had my own place more and more these days. I'm not even sure how I ended up living with Tom. It seemed so wonderful once. Mike always says what a nice smile I have. He laughs at my silly thoughts. He really listens. if I could just stick him inside of Tom!

Tom thinks my jokes are stupid. That I'm stupid. And I am. I barely got out of high school which is why I'm working at that lousy bar. Or was. I'm suppose to come home from a job like that with a smile on? Ready to jump in the sack once he's finished his video game? That's a good ten minutes for him I'm sure and then he's off hacking at demons again. Maybe HE should get a job? He's actually told me I'm worthless. And I pay the rent.

Look at Mike though, sitting alone happily. He's always so happy to see me. I've known him since like 5th grade. He has a crush on me, I'm sure. Even though, I basically ignored him in high school, he's still the same to me. He thinks I'm beautiful. He thinks I'm funny. He thinks I'm sweet. He likes everything about me, unlike Tom.

But if I go in, we'll get talking and laughing like we always do. I'll lose track of time and by the time I want to go home there will be hell to pay with Tom. Where you been!?!? I should just turn around and go home. Mike actually looks pretty cute sitting there too. It's so easy with him. He doesn't want anything from me. He just likes my company. I'm not sure why. I hadn't really noticed, but he IS kind of attractive, actually. He's one of those guys who doesn't look so great at first but grows on you. But I can't. I have to go home. I'm just gonna head home.

Orianthi - According To You

For more on the artist who inspired this short story see:








"Hey Mike, can I sit down?"

"Of course! What's up? You look a mess. Is your shoe broke? Come on and have a cup of coffee with me. I could use some company. I was just thinking about you, actually, and again."

"Thanks. I'd love a coffee with you. I'd like to talk to you about a few things... things that are just now crossing my mind. Plus, I need to call a few girlfriends. I'm going to need a new place to stay. Tom and I are over."

"Sure, sure... that's no problem. I hope everything is ok. Not sorry to hear that. I hope you mean it. I've never said it before but you are way to good for him. Seriously. Let's go get you a coffee. Everything will be fine..."


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    • JBeadle profile imageAUTHOR

      J Beadle 

      8 years ago from Midwest

      @magnoliazz - thanks so much. Believe you me I've got my share of selfish and immature. Like most of us, I have written a book. Now getting it published. That seems to be the trick! I have managed to stay married for 25 years to my HS sweetheart - we've worked through the difficulties. As have you if I've read your hubs correctly. Thanks for reading and commenting. It means a lot to me.

    • magnoliazz profile image


      8 years ago from Wisconsin

      WOW! Excellent writing style! You should write a book! Really interesting story too, all too true, relationships are difficult, mostly because most men are selfish and immature.

    • JBeadle profile imageAUTHOR

      J Beadle 

      8 years ago from Midwest

      Nope - you, Winsome, Dohn, my sisters, the you have great hub "girls"... I'm building up a real following! Actually, I've been picking up 2-3 fans/followers a week. I'm at 26 followers last I looked. I get about 20-40 reads a day, half of them my re-edits possibly! You are the best fan next to my wife though Rasta. You've encouraged me since the start.

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      See, I'm not the only one who likes your writing!

    • Winsome profile image


      8 years ago from Southern California by way of Texas

      Nice J. The reader is in her head from the first sentence. You have a screenplay touch. Good call on the Mike's apartment thing. The new relationship needs a velvet glove.

      If you have the time, check out my fantasized early bio of Elvis just in time for his and my birthday.

      Again, great story J, keep em coming!

    • JBeadle profile imageAUTHOR

      J Beadle 

      8 years ago from Midwest

      I took out that she went to Mike's apartment. It made it seem like she just went to one dependency to another. Never wrote from a women's perspective before so the thing felt odd. Thanks for the commend dohn!

    • dohn121 profile image


      8 years ago from Hudson Valley, New York

      I really enjoyed this story. It really is good and can see it as a half-hour mini movie as I just about visualized everything entirely. I enjoyed the video too. I'm really out of the loop as this was the first time ever hearing of her: Oriantha.

      Keep on writing!


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