- Gender and Relationships
I Slept With My Best Friend. Now What?
"I slept with my best friend." Kelly, 21, a college senior, tells us her story about how she wound up in bed with her best friend, and what she did about it. If you slept with your amigo too, rest assured you are not alone. Read on for her juicy confession, and how you can handle it if it happens to you.
Those beers kind of added up. Before we were dancing that night, I never really noticed how muscular he was.
"I am one of those girls that gets along with guys. I know about sports and I'm a little bit of a tomboy. But dang it, I'm still a girl and I can be attracted. Some of my guy friends are good-looking, but I kind of had a hands-off code of my own when it came to these guys.
"I was actually interested in a different guy when this happened -- a guy I wanted as a boyfriend. But somehow he got lost in the shuffle -- all because Trevor, my bestie, and I -- slept together one night."
He wasn't a partier but he had this protective thing about me, like I was his kid sister, so he liked to accompany me to places to keep me safe.
"I was invited to my friend Jen's party at the house she rented with three of her friends. It was a big house with a large backyard, and it was guaranteed that there would be hundreds of students going. Trevor was up for it. He wasn't a partier but he had this protective thing about me, like I was his kid sister, so he liked to accompany me to places to keep me safe.
"I was determined to look hot at Jen's party, just because I was always wearing jeans and t-shirts to class, and occasionally it's just cool to really look like a girl. I wore this red spaghetti strap dress and really high heels. I blew my hair out straight and long. I think I looked nicer on that night than I ever did before.
"Trevor's mouth kind of dropped open when he picked me up at my door that night. I figured he was being a typical guy when they see a hot girl. I waved his reaction off and we went to the party together. All night Trevor stayed by side. He didn't even once talk to another girl. Jen played all electronica music at the party. Between that and the little beer buzz Trevor and I had going, we were elated, dancing all night.
"But those beers kind of added up. He started looking less and less like that friend that I talk about hockey and play volleyball with, and more and more like someone who's known I've been this beautiful girl underneath all along. Before we were dancing that night, I never really noticed how muscular he was, how his body flowed really well with mine on the dance floor, or how sparkling green his eyes really were."
Because in that moment I wanted him more than I think I wanted any other guy.
"Trevor and I at some point during this party, stopped noticing anyone else around us. It was just he and I. Our bodies started getting close and touching when the music slowed down a bit -- hands around my back, and leg-to-leg. By that point we were high on each other. I took his hand and we walked back to my apartment down the street. I don't remember what we said or if we said anything.
"We fell onto my bed, all happy and laughing, and then we started kissing, and then he started searching my body with his hands -- in all the right spots -- and I gave no hesitation, because in that moment I wanted him more than I think I wanted any other guy. He wasn't my generic non-sexual best guy friend, he was a man I wanted to be really close to and that my body was calling for. He was strong and he was in control and all the sudden I was the ultimate woman I could be in front of him, and not this tomboy that arm wrestles and drinks with the guys.
"The truth was that all that tough girl stuff was just a front. The tomboy kept me safe inside from the jerks that could hurt me as a woman. But I was no longer "safe" that night. I was revealed. And I was scared of myself and what could happen next the morning after."
In reality that best friend that likes you and accepts you the way you are, is very hard to find -- just like a good man is.
"We woke up in my bed sort of suddenly the next morning. I thought, 'Oh my God, I slept with my best friend!' And I instantly felt those relationship feelings for him, the ones that they say scare guys off. I sat up and turned away from him with the cover over me. I started crying a little, and I said to him, 'I guess you should go.' He asked me, 'Do you really want me to go. I thought we were great.'
"I told him that I was scared that I made a mistake. He told me that there was a reason he always stayed by my side at parties. I asked him why and he said, 'I just didn't want anyone else getting close to you. I wanted to be close to you.'
"I really don't know why it happened that way. I don't know why he didn't let me know all along in those two years we were best friends that he felt something for me. Maybe my tough girl exterior didn't ease up enough to let it happen. I have to think that if he felt I was attractive when I was wearing flannel and jeans, that I must have just been intoxicating to him that night on the dance floor.
"But interestingly I hadn't felt anything for him before that night. We have been girlfriend and boyfriend for four months, despite the fact that a little alcohol got us together in the first place. If you ask me if you should sleep with your best friend, normally I would say no. But in reality that best friend that likes you and accepts you the way you are, is very hard to find -- just like a good man is. Maybe you should run towards each other rather than run away."
Best Friend Poll
Did you sleep with your best friend?
You slept with your best friend. Now what?
While Kelly's night of lust with her best friend turned into a great relationship, it might not do so for everyone. Here is how to handle it if it happens to you:
If you are into him:
- Scope out how he feels without prying too much. He might come around to like you, just like Trevor did with Kelly. Enjoy what comes next if he does.
- Let him go if he doesn't return those feelings. Men are sometimes more mechanical with sex than women are. While there are women that can sleep with a guy and not think about relationships, men are able to do so much more mechanically. Don't bother hanging around a man you want romantically if it has no chance of happening. You'll find a worthy guy on your own.
- Give it a few weeks, but break off the friendship if you don't like the vibes that come after you slept together. If you feel the need for distance, just take it.
If you aren't into him that way:
- Just be yourself and be friendly. Your friendship can return to normal in time.
- If he gets those romantic feelings for you, and you won't have it, just tell him gently that you just see yourselves as friends. He could possibly break off the friendship, but any friendship requires that two people be on the same level.
Do not worry too much about "ruining the friendship." Once you have slept together, you can not really help where the feelings go next. If someone is meant to remain your best friend it will happen. If you lose a best friend, in time you might gain another one.
There are countless couples that started off as best friends whose relationship turned romantic. It's the dynamic that often happens when a man and woman hang out together long enough. If you do feel romantic feelings for a best friend, you should approach the subject BEFORE you think about sleeping together. This way, any potential regrets you have will be minimized.