ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

I Stitched This Blanket Out Of All The Red Flags... I Didn't Use For The Other 243 Blankets I Stitched...

Updated on April 14, 2020
Ask A Bitchface profile image

Ms Macon is the Bitchface in Ask A Bitchface and often provides advice on dating, relationships, divorce, and Southern Belle-isms.

I Didn't Realize How Many Of Them I Had Thoughtlessly Stuffed Into My Spare Room...

But, when I opened the door today, they came tumbling out, and I had amassed a number far too great to dismiss. I thought of burning them, but instead, I sat on the floor and learned the lesson they stood for, one by excruciating one.

It wasn't as though I didn't see them; I most certainly did. They're red, for gods' sake, I just thought I could make something from nothing and ended up with a whole lot less.

Source

42 "I'm abusive" and 93 "I'm insecure so I'll verbally abuse you" later, and what do we have? About 999 left to sort, and me thinking I should brew a pot of coffee...

I'm Not Usually A Willfully Ignorant Woman...

I'm a fixer of things and a collector of strays, and that is a bad combination when it comes to applying it to relationships. I used to believe, no matter how bad the trauma a man told me was the root cause of his issues, I thought it could be buffed away, like minor dings in the paint job on a classic. Now, I understand I don't ever run a buffer across a classic, that's why there are people much more talented than myself to do that, and the issues that these men had were not minor dings, they were front end collisions that had damaged the frame. They were totaled. They were scrap.

It was as though if I admitted that I couldn't fix them, I was saying that there were pieces of myself, deeply damaged, that I should just give up on fixing too. However, what I know now is that someone needs to want to heal and change, and if they don't, there isn't any amount of love or compassion in this world that will cause them to be a better person, a less abusive or possessive person. They can't change because you wished it hard enough. Trust me, I have wished until I was blue in the face, and it was for nothing.

Toxic men with toxic habits and toxic ways about them threatened to cause me to give up on the idea altogether...

I'm Still Not Entirely Sure I Haven't Given Up

Perhaps it depends on the day you ask me about it. Some days, the scars are more visible to the naked eye, and I can't possibly imagine moving forward and trying this again. It was a waste of my time all of these other times, and my averages are enough to make any baseball fan boo their home team had they put me on the starting lineup.

I'm a decent woman. I live a decent life. I don't hurt people intentionally, and I try to be supportive and compassionate most of the time. However, with the long line of absolute sanitation that called themselves men that have come my way, it is quite clear to me that I messed up pretty badly somewhere because if this is what I deserve, I've misjudged myself. No half-decent woman should tolerate the Bozos that showed up honking their noses and piled 13 to a car. I still shake my head in disbelief at all of the nonsense I listened to from these sorry excuses for men.

I Know The Signs, Yet I Held The Door Open For The Terrible Men Who Wore Them...

Looking back now, I can joke about the sheer ignorance I displayed in allowing horrible man after horrible man to do everything in their power to destroy me. They all brought a special power to the table: some were gaslighters, some were serial cheaters, some were professional fuckboys; they all were beneath me, and took me down a few pegs so that they could feel as though they were worthy.

I could look one in the face, tell him exactly how he was wronging me, draw him a diagram, chart him a graph, GPS him an exact location of where he fucked up, none of that mattered. In the end, I still told myself that there was something redeemable. There was something good underneath all of that abuse they kept doling out to me. As it turns out, there actually wasn't.

In The End, I Had To Close My Broken Boy Repair Shop. You Can't Fix The Man They Become.

Do I Regret My History Of Hard Learned Lessons?

Of course not. I'm smarter for it. I have learned the difference between those that don't love me, and those that just don't know how to love. I know that the first time he shows me that I don't mean something incredibly important to him, believe it, and leave. I don't give any second chances, because you were lucky to receive the first one. And, most importantly, I've learned that whatever it is that caused them to act like all women were the issue, that was their problem. I'm too good to fill in for the mommy that didn't hug them.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2020 MsMacon

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment
    • Bushra Iqbal profile image

      Anya Ali 

      12 months ago from Rabwah, Pakistan

      You said it. People don't change.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://maven.io/company/pages/privacy

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
    ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)