She Caused Me To Take A Second Look At Myself........

Put a bow on this.

Wrap it in pretty paper.

Hang it on the wall.

Encrust it with jewels.

This is a cherished gift........

How might she see life..........

I encouraged her independence.

I rooted for her to break through barriers that I could not.

She would carry the torch of my voice.

I rallied behind her..........saying, " you go girl", " girl power' and other such things.

Still, as I said those things, I saw her there, in her girlhood, the face that she showed at discovering her first bicycle, playing with dolls, the first dancing dress, thinking thoughts that never belonged to my simple world, fashion, shoes, glamour, education...........

I knew,.....though it was painful......that she saw me as a backwoods tomboy.

I knew that she, a child of the modern world......dismissed my backwoods upbringing.

She so easily dismissed me.............and I could find no fault with her thinking.

Who among her peers have ever ever heard of chicken pee, bull horns, pork belly, hay stalks, calf manure, as medicine......who among her crowd would have heard of or embraced folk tales?

Still, in my fear, I released her to the world, it was my duty as her Mother. This, allowing, this, welcoming, this, embracing of a newer path, a more modern world. It was my duty, to give this child to a newer world. It came with great remorse.

The same world that would leave me behind and even laugh at me and the things I had embraced.

At some level, I welcomed her passage, knowing I would be left behind. She was going on....beyond my steps.....she would increase the steps.......she would add to the building.

She was the best of me......going forward.....SHE was my voice......screaming to be heard.......but she did not know this thing, she did not know that my hopes were inside her, she did not know, I was counting on her to release us all, this child could not have known of the burdens she and her sisters put upon me, NO, she must not know, the weight would only hold her back, and SHE must fly with only a breath at her wings......she was of her own self, let her take all credit.

She was worthy of things I could not have, she was better than me.........what parent has not felt this?

I choked back tears, driving her off to college, laughing with her and her best friend. I was quiet, because I dared not speak, until we were alone, and my husband said to me.........let it go.........you can cry now, let her find her way.............she had NO idea what the paving of her road had cost me.........

How I cried.......my child had surpassed me. It was bittersweet, my child was more than me, she would need me no more............go my child......go and become, please, remember me, your backwoods mother.......a mere simpleton...........soar my child, soar.........but take time to remember the one who gave you wings,........I cried tears that she would never see. I only thought I was prepared to lose her to the world, to be replaced by her peers. Her visit, in the years to come, would be enough to heal me...........if only, she would come and be .......... It would be alot, that I asked of her, the sitting beside of me, holding my hand, the remembering of the woman who was assigned to be her mother. She would think, sitting beside me, meant forsaking her friends, her education, her own personal self..............a thing, I would never have asked of her.

It must be a great cost for the both of us......this tuggle.....between yesterday and tomorrow.

I was not prepared for the shame she would have for me, for the way she would hide me away, like a dirty secret. Tears were choked back, until the damn broke under pressure.......then they flowed like a river. Still, I loved her too much, to think her guilty of betrayal........my daughter was beyond this. If there were a flaw in her, my own fingerprint must be upon it.

There must be a vision of my own face in this reflection. How had I, I must ask, failed such a one? The daughter who carried the voice of tomorrow?........How, a woman such as me. must be deemed inadequate, backwood, unknowing, even the hated word,........ignorant........danced.

At any point, during her infancy, her girlhood, her teenage years, her college days, her tomorrows...........at any point, I would lay down all of my tomorrows for this child.........and she called me ' ignorant'.

My tears were cried among the pine, the cedars, the oak and the cougar. No person could bear their witness. No animal would speak of it.

Still, she was my child. And I had the love of a mother for her. I swallowed it all.

My daughter, of modern times, would lead her sisters forward. They, as young women, would embrace, ( for the first time ?...)  a new way. Modern thinking, equality,science, social justice, compassion....... these would all be on their side. Philosophers of great renown would bring life to her voice...........MY daughter would be educated.

MY daughter would have my blessing..........embrace your SELF.........I would not hold MY daughter back. She was too good, too educated, too forward in her thinking, for my simple works.

Is this not, what all others wished for their daughters.......................go beyond us?

Would it not be, MY daughter, alone, who "understood"?

I had sent her out there to embrace a better life.

Isn't this what mothers do?

Should we expect to be taken along?

She came 'home', during that holiday.

She bestowed upon me, the gift of her presence. I was so lucky to have her in the house. She appeared to me, as a favor.

I loved her..........I supported her voice.........these things were not in question.

How she now seemed to pity me, how she must tolerate me, how she might now, present me with her worldly generosity, this attitude was in question and it was met with resistance..................how dare she, this slip of a girl, whose being was paid upon by my back............look down on me!

Did this girl not care, that I was enduring another year of retail to support her education? Did she not know, that it was ME who held the purse strings? Did she really want to face the wrath of Mama? Did this liberated young woman not know that her future was held by an old foggie that she was insulting? Oh, this child....the keeper of my tomorrows.........

In the anger, the mistrust, the crossed signals.........she was mine........that was the single point that could not be severed, it could not be forgotten, it bound us together..........this young independant, vibrant woman, this voice of tomorrow, was my own little girl. She once reached for me from her crib. She once trusted me.....believed in me...she once thought I could make life fair........how could I have led her astray? She once thought, that it was I who would protect her tomorrows......she was my own child. How could it have come to this battle of wills? How could it have become so distorted?

How, God,

Where God,

Tell me God,

at what point, did I lose this child?

Show it to me , so I can pay my repentance.................tell Me! At what crossroad, did I lose her?

At WHAT point, did I take the wrong road.............at WHAT junction? If only, I could retrace each step in her journey.

How could this child, whom I had encouraged, who I had cheered on, now think that she was above me? How dare she think I knew nothing. I had , after all, brought her through her infancy, her childhood, I had led her through the teen years.......didn't I step quietly aside, while she preferred the company of college friends. Didn't her Dad and I still aid her, feed her, maintain her vehicle? Had we gone from beloved parents to mere providers?

This discord, this argument, this battle of wills went on silently, until my educated daughter presented me with the greatest of gifts..............she, had learned to understand me.

This is an accurate and true measure of her words to me...............a great and humble gift. I treasure both the words and the writer.........my own child. As memory serves me, and it can be faulty, it was during her second year of college.

These words, at my child's hand........have aged......so have I and my daughter.

I cherish them...........I share them ONLY to give hope to other mothers. They boast of no triumph, of no battle, of no ceremony..............only of the appreciation that a child can have for the parent, and how difficult is the telling........for us all.

Until I read these words, written at her own hand.................a most treasured memento, tucked away in my bible, I did not know of my value. My modern, educated, child of the world, had honored me............there would be no greater gift than this.

If I knew great words, bringing comfort and encouragement...............if I knew............

it would be............present yourself to your children as you are.

They will allow for parental mistakes...........they will allow for human weakness.......they will cross barriers that you could not.

Hold fast to yesterday, and give tomorrow to your children.

They too, hold a voice in history.

They learn many of the same lessons that we too, learned. Our elders were not the dummies, we once thought. Though, I penned no so such letter, my maturing daughter brought me full circle also.

Mama, when the professor asked us about difficult decisions, encouraging us to empathise, there you were with your tale of King David, you called him the "boy warrior". You said, he overcame obstacles and you always root for the underdog. I have learned what the underdog is.

When he asked us to imagine having to decide between paying the mortage and substaining your family, .........there you were.........saying you have no money until your obligations are paid.

When the scholar asked us to defend what we believed ,..........there you were, saying, the matter lies within our own heart. It is the degree to which you believe, do you believe enough to stand behind it........I see your message now.......in front of my scholars.

Mama, when the professor suggested, tough economic situations......there you were, saying mothers face hard choices. It was then, I remembered the prom dresses, the shoes, the handbags, while you drove an old car.

When the professor invoked us to stretch our imaginations, daring us to dream beyond reality, I saw you there, saying, 'what do you think", and " is there anything else you would like to consider"? I saw you on the bar-stool, you were wearing blue........Mama, the vision is locked in my memory.

Mama, I realize the price you and Dad, have paid for my education. I know, you have given up cars, trucks, land, and dreams............I know Mama, that YOU are as smart as any professor I will ever have. I understand, now Mama, that you have given me your own clipped wings, hoping that I will take flight and soar. I know now that you too had wings, and you chose to flutter beside the nest. I understand now, finally, why you said, " I am the first person who loved you".

I now know, that your old time folklore came from those you loved and those who grounded you, and even from those who held you back. It is easy to see now, that you would not allow us to be held back. Mama, you know things that professors have never seen.

Mama, I now know, how you loved me.

I thank you Mama, as never before, for wishing the the very best. Only now, do I see the cost.

Only now, being removed from it, do I see its value.

Only when I meet a man, who deserves me, will I marry him. I learned that from you and from Daddy.

I also know, that during family reunions, you will not allow pressures to be placed on me, regarding these things. Now, I know , Mama, what I am to you, and that you have never been too angry with me to protect me.

Now, I know, that no matter how much money I make, no matter how comfortable my apartment is, your home is always for me also.

A lot of people march to a different drum, but I know now, that drum is being beaten by mothers who love their children.

Only now, do I understand, that you stifled your words, so that I could speak mine.

I see my girlfriends and their mothers, and I am glad, that you are my Mom!

Mama, even though there is not such a man in my life, and maybe there will never be, I know now why you love Daddy so .....not because you are afraid of being alone, but because you have the courage to be beside a man, telling him when his view is distorted, calling him to the carpet, exposing his flaws. I know, Mama, that a lesser man could not love you, as Daddy does. I know, and so do my sisters, that he loves you. I see now Mama, the backbone it really takes, for a woman to stand up and say " I run this house"......I see now, that you were about protecting us, because you at some point had been a victim. I see, now , that story is personal to you.

I understand now, as never before, when you said, " beware the long claws"............how childish of me to think it was of fingernails.

Now, Mama, I know what it means, the greatest gift a man can give to his children, is to love their mother..........I know what this means.

I Love You Mama. I Love You for the broken Chevy's, the questionable Oldsmobile, the forsaking Fords.............I love you Mama, standing in your faded blue jeans, smiling at me in my prom dress with the expensive shoes. Now, Mama, I see, how a woman like you could love a man like Daddy. I am sorry, that I once thought of him as the means to an other's labor.

I know you can make me right before him........will you.............will you tell him, how much I have come to appreciate his skills? Will you tell him, that now, I understand he is a craftsman? Mama, I can't...............I am begging you.........will you make me right before Daddy? Please Mama? tell him, he is not stupid, and common as I once said, he is gifted. Now, I understand, what it is to build buildings. I know now, what it meant for Daddy to say, " my girls, are not allowed inside that areana, for any reason", now, I know, it was not that he was against our church youth group, he knew the building was not safe.

Mama, tell him, I am sorry that I did not believe him when he said the arena was not safe..........he built it.............he should know, and he is worthy of my trust and respect...........please tell him, he will listen to you............he always does. You are the light of his world. Daddy always listens to you....

Not until I heard your quiet voice in the ecohes..........did I understand

Now, I know, why you like the word, nest, now, I like it too. It means safety.

that my Mama was speaking..........talk on Mama, talk on...................

I understand this now.

I just Love You!

I am no scholar, I speak not of the great things..........I am no example...........

I only know, that I gave my daughter her wings, and she returned to my nest.

I hope, that it offers you, a struggling parent, some measure of hope and comfort.

There are times, as a young mother, or of the mother of young children, that you wish for silence.

There were days, that I wanted to shout.........stop calling me.

Later, there are days, when the title, " Mom"............is simply................musical to the ears.

Oh, to have my children young again, at my knee, or elbow, tugging at my skirt or pant leg.........just one more sweet time........

" I now, know, Mom," is worth settling for!