- Gender and Relationships
She Wants To Get Married But Her Boyfriend Doesn't!
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years, but we were friends for a couple years before that. When I met him, he was married, but after walking in on his wife cheating on him, he moved out. We started dating and now we live together. He has made many comments about our future together. We just bought a boat and put both names on the title. he has no problems or hesitations with us purchasing things together, joint accounts and plans for the future but he still says he doesn't want to get married. He knows I do but I have always said, "someday in the future. I am not in any rush". Which is true but I am not sure he will ever want to. I keep telling myself that it is pain from his marriage that makes him not want to get married and maybe he will come around.
Your partner has no reason to take your desires seriously.
I say over and over in all my HUBS, honesty and communication are really the keys necessary to having successful relationships. It’s not just your words that need to be honest. Your deeds need to be honest, too. It sounds like you're going out of your way to be careful of his choices, and not make him feel pressured, by saying things like "in the future," and that you're "not in a rush."
So, not only are you holding back verbally in your communication, you’re also playing a role that isn’t honest.
You are reinforcing for him that he can have what he wants. You're showing him with your actions that he can have you without marrying you, and that you'll be committed to him. You’re proving that you will live with him, and be with him, and even share expenses and commitments with him. You are proving to him he can have the life he wants and he doesn’t have to marry you to have any of those things.
The relationship you have now
You two are happy together and have a wonderful relationship. You may be having a very fulfilling life. But there is a world of difference between living together, and in living together as a step toward marriage. It sounds like you’re living together. Period. You haven’t done or said anything that says this is a step for you, and you continue to reinforce that, proving to him that he doesn’t have to listen or change or take your very slight mentions of marriage seriously at all.
There is a chance that he really isn't going to get married again. There's no right or wrong on that. It just is what it is. He may know from his experiences that he’s done with that arrangement. There is also a chance he’s still burned, and will change. But the way things are, you aren’t making him think, or giving him a chance to change or compromise.
Sometimes you want two different things you can’t have. Maybe he doesn’t intend to marry, no matter how clear you are. And maybe you want to get married more than you want to be with him. He has as much right not to want to marry, as you have to want to marry. But before you make any decisions, you really need to live your life more honestly and true to your wants and desires.
Before it comes down to your having to make that decision, I think you should be more clear and honest with him about your feelings. Give him a chance to really see the true you- the one that wants marriage. The one that plans for the future she really desires. The one that communicates clearly. You don’t have to give ultimatums or be a nag, you can be powerful and focused in a healthy way.
For one thing, stop using words like "someday" and give him a time frame. Your “someday” is fine when you’re first getting together, and when you’re young. But when you’re serious and in a mature relationship, your someday is just wishy-washy. Tell him you want to be married in x amount of years or by age x.
Of course there is room for compromise. But in order to compromise, you have to have something to compromise. “Someday” isn’t something.
Giving your goals a framework of reasons will help solidify the image for him. Tell him why you want to be married and why the relationship you have now isn't enough for you. Tell him about the wedding you’d like to have, and the break on your taxes that will come with marriage. List the things that will change once you’re married, like signing his name (if you’re doing that) and feeling that you’ll be committed forever. The practical, the impractical, the romantic, and the whimsical reasons all count and will all help him understand where you’re actually coming from.
Listen to his responses and address his concerns. Talk about this. Make it real. Tell him about the better insurance plan that will be available to you, tell him about the engagement ring you’d really like. Tell him about the honeymoon you’d like. Give him some time to get used to the idea since you haven’t been showing this part of you so far. If he doesn’t want to talk about it, make appointments to talk about it. Say, you can pick this up after the game, or Thursday over dinner. That will give him time to think. Be light and cheery about this. It shouldn’t be a horrible conversation. It should be fun, and happy. You should be smiling when you bring up marriage with the person you want to marry.
Start and Stop
Once he is actually aware of your seriousness and of what you actually want, you will be able to gage things better.
Actions can speak louder than words, and in this case that’s very true. START acting like someone who wants and plans to be married one day. STOP living like anything he wants is fine.
He may be giving you reasons why he doesn’t want to marry, he may be resistant to talk, he may be shut down about the subject. These are major indicators for you as to what your future holds. But there is still the entire step of showing him he can’t have both. He can’t have his unwillingness to marry, AND have you, at the same time. Just like you have to make a decision which you want more – him or marriage – he has a decision to make too.
After you’ve been honest in word, you need to follow through and be honest in deed. If you don’t follow through, you will never get what you want. I promise.
Tell him you respect his decisions and opinions. Tell him you love him and the relationship you’ve shared. But be clear with him that you will not be there after x amount of time. And stop playing house. Stop proving with your actions that he can have you forever without marrying you. Start making clearer financial separations. At this point, he really has no reason to believe what you’re saying. Make him believe. Follow through and be empowered.
When you're buying a boat or a house, you should be saying things that are reflective of what you really want. You should be saying, "Since I want to get married in x amount of years, I'm not going to take on a mortgage with anyone other than my husband." Stop digging yourself in so deep that you can’t get what you want.
What if he says no?
Be true to your word and your self. SHOW him. To be taken seriously, show him. It’s going to take some work to undo all the doing you’ve done. But if he says no, you have no choice. Tell him to take your name off the boat, or tell him you’re taking his off. Begin your plans to move out.
It is vital that you do not do these things in a bitchy way. Why in the world would a man hesitant and resistant to marry you suddenly decide to marry you, if you’re a bitch? If being with you has become a painful experience, I guarantee you he is not going to rethink his stand on marriage. But if being with you is easy and fun and happy, he’s not going to want to lose that.
Sadly, still, even if you do everything right, he still may decide he’d rather be alone than marry again. But at least you’re maintaining your self-respect and dignity on the way to getting what you want, whatever you decide that is.
Good luck to you.
This article was
written by Veronica for Hubpages. If you are reading it somewhere else, it has been stolen.
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