ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

I keep you alive for me.

Updated on November 11, 2010

Everybody wants it. Everybody looks for it. The big L word. We’re all so anxious to get it; then we let it go because we’re too afraid to keep it. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. Ironically not because I want it, but because I stopped believing in it. Maybe there are just a limited amount of times in a lifetime that we will be granted a chance for love and after we’ve carelessly exhausted our chances, we’re done, there are no more left. Lately a dear friend of mine respectfully warned me not to get bitter, not to let my hopes fall through. “Don’t let other people’s misery affect your gracefulness. There are good men out there. You oughta believe it”. Keep the faith. Be strong. Don’t let the sourness of your disappointment get in the way of the potential for love you own. Somehow the feeling that words are only words prevails all the good intentions I am able to pull together at this time. How many times can one give love away without ever getting the care he struggles for?

Perhaps the worst moment of all is that precise instant in which we finally realize we have believed in someone who never was the person we thought they were. A phantom. A ghost. A fictional character that at some point in our life resembled all that we ever wanted, all that we ever needed. He never existed. He was a shadow made of my wishes, the resolution to my disenchantment, the oasis after four years of incessant drought, the final award I had so strongly deserved for all the times I was let down. And then he let me down. Again, and again, and again, and again. Perhaps my worst fault of all is to always want to see the good in people, their good intentions, my relentless need to believe that dishonesty and concealment could not be what inherently moves people from within. Then, of course, I promptly get disappointed, until the time I stop believing completely. Then I flee. I leave no trace behind me. I change address. I change state. I change phone number. I vanish. When words are not worth uttering anymore, there is nothing left fighting for. What are we fighting for? You had no time, I had no patience. You had no intention to make this right. I had no time to waste after you. You had no love for me. I had no more faith in you. You put up all these foolish walls I got tired of climbing. We reached the deep end and couldn’t swim through the shore. We drowned. I made it. You made it. We went down.

There is nothing left to lose. My last words to you were exactly what they sounded like, my last words. I wish you happiness, and joy, and love, and success, because in a corner of my mind I still see the man I met the first time I saw your eyes. Inside of me I still want to believe in that boy who held my hand at the San Diego museum of arts, the boy who got me a pillow to keep my leg up when I sprained my ankle, the boy who took me to see the waves crushing against the cliffs and gave me his jacket because the weather was chilly. In reality, I am afraid that, if I let go of that memory of you, a part of me will die permanently and I will never be able to revive it. I do it for me. I keep you alive for me. I say goodbye for me.


© 2010 Roberta S


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • robertaharden profile imageAUTHOR

      Roberta S 

      8 years ago from California on the rocks

      Thank you both. I am trying. I try every day, with every breath I take.

    • QudsiaP1 profile image


      8 years ago

      Let it out, let it all out through writing.

      "Time is a horrible healer but writing is a great one."

      - Qudsia Pervez

    • ilmdamaily profile image


      8 years ago from A forgotten corner of a dying empire. OK, it's Australia :-)


      Gosh...what can I say?

      Honestly, this is a wrenching read. The pain (and I feel like this is the wrong word here...)...disappointment I guess is more appropriate - that you've penned this with is palpable.

      It affects me not just because you seem disappointed with he-who-shall-remain-nameless, but because your disappointmen seems to creep through into a disappointment with life in general...which is sad - but utterly understandable.

      You need to exorcise your demons, and for you the best way is definately to write about them I think - which is what you're doing - and that's positive - and it doesn't hurt that you're a great writer:-)

      Gettin' worried about you young I need to break out the air guitar and bon jovi singles?

      Keep writin'. Stop hurtin'.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)