I supported Him

As a wife I had always tried to be the best wife a man could have, I grew up with great influences in my life, and those influences taught me to fight for marriage. There is a line of long marriages in my family, from my grandparents to my own parents. My maternal grandparents were married over 55 years when death parted them, my paternal grandparents were married forty-some years before death parted them, my great grandmother was married twice, outlived both husbands. I have a few aunts that death parted their marriages, my sister and her husband is following this same path, they will be married 26 years this year. When I decided to get married, actually before I ever was even engaged I knew I wanted what I witnessed as a child. I wanted a long-lasting marriage.

I have written about this in my blogs before and if you followed or read any of my other ones you will know I have not had a perfect marriage, very far from perfect. I met my husband 25 years ago, and as we dated briefly we did break up and went our separate ways for five years. As April is approaching I am reminiscing about our time together. Twenty years ago we ran into each other at the mall in North Charleston, SC. It has been a whirlwind of good and bad times.

I always believed that Todd and I were destined to be together, the way that it all fit together, how we met at the mall after all the years of being apart. I prayed to God and asked if it was meant for Todd and me to be together he would bring him back in my life, and four months after that said prayer, we ran into each other. It was easy, smooth and very comfortable. Was I just in love with being in love? Maybe! I cannot honestly say. I was young and tired of dating. It was not fun for me, it was actually very stressful. When Todd and I reconnected it was nice. He was very passionate, loving, and grateful for finding me again. I as well.

I will be the first to admit that things with us happened fast, many of my friends said to slow down. My family was very hesitant and even my pastor at the time had his reservations about the two of us. See at the time, Todd was not a Christian, barely even step foot in a church before I came along. Seems as if everyone but me could see that, this was not going to work. Why, does it seem like the one that cares the most, is the one that is the last one to know. I guess, I was in a cloud of desire and I had tunnel vision. I could only see what I chose to see and that was all that mattered.

Wow, I was very wrong. I saw my parents struggle with money from time to time, it was not always an easy ride. They made it through tough times and grew stronger together. I was determined to be a great wife, I was so green. I did not know how to cook, I mean really cook. Oh, I could heat up a pizza, or microwave a boxed dinner, but actually, make a decent meal I had no clue. I was a horrible housekeeper, and as for the bedroom duties; let’s just say I was very inexperienced there too. Marriage was hard, not to mention my hormones were so out of whack from being pregnant. Still, I wanted to be a great wife. What I did not know was, that I had no clue what that truly meant.

We lived life from paycheck to paycheck, and that wasn’t even enough at times to pay the bills. One of the worst feelings there is, is to have to choose which bill to pay this week, and what bill we can let go for a bit. This was our life, for the first few years of marriage. I never let on to anyone that life was a struggle. I knew enough, I knew I was not the only person in this world that struggled to pay bills. I was not special or different, I was a young, newly married woman and things would get easier, someday.

In 2001, we started a new journey together. Todd decided to go back into the military, he was in the reserves before we were ever together. We were expecting another baby by this time and he wanted security for his family. This was also a time of country distress, just a few months before he decided to join the tragedy of September 11^th occurred. I was a supportive wife, I agreed that the military would be a good choice for the family. We had a 21-month-old son and a baby due in March of 2002, the benefits alone was going to be nice to have as well. I went to my parent’s house while he was stationed at Fort Benning, Georgia for boot camp. I gave birth while he was away if I was going to be a military wife I ought to be getting used to him missing out on things. I wasn’t the first woman to give birth while the military spouse was gone, and I sure in hell would not be the last. Five weeks later, I traveled to Fort Benning, with my two sons to see my husband graduate. I was a little scared to travel that far alone with two babies, I had driven further places, but not with two small children. This was a time where gas stations were not all debt pay at the pump. I had to actually get both children out of the car seat just to go in and pay for my gas. Keep in mind this was also before the average person had a cell phone either. I did this for my little family.

I was taught that as a wife, you follow your husband and you do what you have to for your family. I stood by him. We went to San Antonio, TX for AIT (Army Intelligence Training), he was training to be a combat medic and it lasted five months. I found a little apartment outside the base and I took care of a 2 ½-year-old and a five-month-old alone. I navigated a city that was very large, the biggest I had ever stayed in my life. I did not have the luxury or convenience of GPS. This was not available for the average person, I had to actually use a map; I know the horror. I managed just fine, I found the doctors, grocery stores, post office and anything else I needed or wanted. I supported him, I accepted the responsibly and I did the best I could. It was stressful, but I looked the challenge of it all in the eye, so to speak and I pushed on. It was going to get better, right?

Fort Riley, Kansas, our first duty station. Yes, I said Kansas. So much for going to new and exciting places that everyone said would happen in the military. We were both from Illinois, Kansas was not much different. Join the military they said, it will be fun they said, you will go all over the world they said….. Meanwhile in Kansas. Anyway, a new adventure. My husband, and my two sons. I was pregnant at this time as well. A third child, in three years of marriage; yes, I know what causes pregnancies. The best part of this pregnancy was that we were finally getting us a little girl. We settled in our new place, he went to work, I stayed home. I cared for the children and dreamed. We were stable, we had a paycheck, medical insurance, and a warm place to lay our heads. A safe place for our children. I supported him.

One year after moving to Fort Riley, my little world crashed around me; my husband’s unit was called up to deployment. What? I knew this was a possibility, we all do as spouses, but really when you are faced with it, it is a sickening feeling. September 8, 2003, the sun was shining, and it was a gorgeous day. Outside that is, but on the inside (of my heart) it was dark and cold. I watched my husband leave to go to a foreign land to fight for our rights and protection. I supported him, I stood by and took care of the things that needed to be taken care of while he was gone.

I was a wife, a wife of a soldier, and it was my duty to be supportive, faithful and true to him. I had my hands full, I had a 3 ½-year-old, 18 months and a 7-month-old baby. I was around 1100 miles or so from mine and his parents, and I knew a handful of people. I was always a pretty quiet person, and with me being busy with the kids I really did not have friends. I was alone, for the most part. I could have chosen to give up, and say, to the hell with this life; but I was not raised this way. I was raised to tough it out. It would get better, and it would be worth it in the end. We will look back at the tough times and be thankful for them. It will shape us for the future. I supported him, I stood by him.

I was stressed, I was tired, I had anxiety so high I am not sure I functioned every day. Austin, our oldest was beginning to show disturbing behavior and as a young mother I just chalked it up to all the changes that were happening. I tried to deal with him and his outburst, and chasing a toddler around the house and making sure the floor was clear of small objects for the baby. This is not what I signed up for when I said I do. I knew it would not be a cakewalk, but I had no clue it would be so chaotic. Who was I? I was an army spouse, a mother of three very small children, and that was pretty much it. My identity of who I once was had been stripped away. Everywhere I went, it was “What is the sponsor's ID number”, I did not have any identity other than a mother and a spouse. This is what I wanted right? I wanted to be a wife and a mother, yes but it was not what I expected. This shit was hard, but I supported him and I stood by him and was faithful and true to my vows.

There were many spouses and girlfriends that would step out on their partners while they were overseas fighting. How disrespectful can someone be, they are risking their lives and thinking about home and all the while the one left behind is cheating! Rude! I missed my husband, but I was busy caring for my children, even if I wanted to at the time, (which I didn’t) where would I find the time. I sent him care packages and letters and I would wait for his weekly emails and occasional phone call. This was the early part of the war, there was not much in the matter of communication. A lot better than in Vietnam or WWI or WWII, but still pretty primitive. We waited, and as each tick mark was added the days began to get closer and more anxious by the minute. I supported him, through it all.

He returned from Iraq on August 20^th or around that time, it was a long hard year. I made it through. Just another rough ride to add to my life with Todd. Things were great at first, aren’t they always. We fell back into the routine of life and looked forward to the next duty station. We moved on, we were reassigned to Fort Jackson, SC. This was a good thing, we were closer to family, on 1 ½ away. However, this is where the problems started happening. I had chosen to return to school, my oldest started kindergarten and the other two were in fulltime head start so it offered the opportunity to finally go to college.

My decision to go back to school did not come lightly, I discussed it with my husband and we both thought it was a great idea. I started my psychology degree in August 2005, and I worked hard. There were many long days. I would get up early to get the kids off to school, stayed up late studying. There was not much time for many other things. I had my plate full, school, wife, mother, scout leader, cook, housekeeper, and whatever else that needed to get done I did. I was determined to be a great wife and mother. He supported me while I choose to go to school, isn’t that what couples do? Support on another, help them through this crazy life. I worked hard. Sleep, what was that? This was also the time when Austin was really showing some signs of disturbing behavior. It was getting worse, not better. The thought that he would be better once Todd returned home from Iraq, faded away. I took him to the doctor and more or less was treat like a paranoid mother and was told nothing was wrong with him. Todd did not seem concerned either, was I really just looking for something to be wrong with my child? Was I that kind of a mother? No, I wasn’t I knew there was something wrong. I kept at it, I kept fighting.

Eventually, I got answers and we together worked on helping my son. As many that know me or read my other blogs you know he was diagnosed as bipolar. This made life more stressful for me, but again I hiked up my skirt and pressed on, so to speak. Todd was busy being a soldier, and I was left to do many things without him. Again, I supported him.

Undenounced to me at the time, we were drifting apart. I was so busy being a mom and a student, I apparently forgot to be the wife I vowed to be and I was giving less attention to my husband. I was working hard to build a future for my family, and while I was doing this, I was losing the one person in my life that I cherished the most. I was losing my husband. We were stationed at Fort Jackson from June 2005 through December 2007, at which we were transferred to Fort Stewart, Georgia. There are many adventures that I can single out for different blog entries from this very special place, but today I am still focused on the part of just my husband and I and how I continued to support him through all the crap and shit storms that would come.

There are a few positive things that came from Ft. Stewart, and I am so grateful and blessed to have met some of my greatest friends. Our neighbors were the best and I miss them dearly. Todd was assigned to one of the Military Police Battalions as a Medic and never made it past the rank of E-4; Specialist. Why, well because his anxiety would not allow him to face the board that he had to go before to become Sargent. He would never press himself to the challenge and let others move ahead of him in rank. I was very frustrated with him for this, I never said anything to him, I just let this feeling stay hidden deep inside myself and I supported him. What could have that promotion helped the family? It would have been a great financial push, but he struggled.

As things moved on in Georgia, life did not get easier. Our oldest continued to get worse, and the stress of school and the tension that was there between Todd and me was just at times too much. Who was there for me, nobody. Why, because I hid it all very well. I was the one that was there for everyone, I was the helper, the listener, the one that did it all. You know, I learned something from that time in my life, even the strong need a shoulder to lean on too. I kept it all bottled up? Why did I do this, because this is what a good wife does right? Never complain, and always be there to support the husband. That is what I did, I supported him.

During this time, I was doing all I could to keep everything going smooth, what was he doing? Well, he was confiding to another woman. He was not telling me about his feelings, he was telling her. Neither of us was communicating very well. This contributed to the issues and hurt feelings. I did not find out this until later, but this is when the affair began. An affair that would continue for years. Here I am doing it all, mother, wife, student, and everything else, and my husband is cheating on me. I had no clue at the time, I was oblivious to it all. How did I not know, because I trusted my husband? I always felt that I would never do anything like this, so the naïve self in me just assumed that he would always honor our vows. I supported my husband, I was always there for him.

Looking back, there are twenty years of our lives that we have been together. Through all these years, I have always been there for him. We have been separated twice, and he has had many health scares and even though I was up to my eyeballs in school work and the kids, I was always there for him. I ask myself every day, why do I always put myself last? Why do I always think of him first? Why in the hell do I care so damn much? I have been betrayed, not once, not twice, but several times. I heart has been ripped in pieces and mended back together, but it will never be fully healed. There will always be scar tissue that will remain until the day I go to heaven. Why, can I not just let go and not look back? Why can I not just stop caring? I do not have answers for this, I wish I knew. I am an educated woman, I have a degree in psychology. Hell, I even have a Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling; I know better, I am tired of feeling like I am not enough. Why am I not enough? It hurts.

I supported him, I was a great wife. I am not perfect. I was and still am not the best housekeeper or cook, but I manage and have learned a lot through the years. I have so much to question about the validity of my marriage, twenty years of what? I won’t grow old with the man I vowed my life to, and I am sad that for most of my marriage I was not appreciated. I will never understand why I am not enough. The man I married on August 28, 1999, is not the same man he is today. The Iraqi war changed my husband, I knew he would not be the same man that he was when he left, but never, ever, did I imagine that it would change him so much that he did not want me anymore. His angel, the one he said God sent to save him from himself. I always supported him. I was always there. Now what? Who is going to be there for me as I move on, and go down a road that is not yet paved?

Did I fail as a wife, or did he fail as a husband? Maybe a little of both.