Identifying and Dealing With a Clingy-Best Friend

Writer’s note: The contents of this piece can apply to both clingy-female best friends and male-clingy best buddies. I do not want anyone confused when they finish reading this document that may mean certain-freedom and peace of mind for you, the victims of clingy-best friends. Kenneth

Okay. So you were needing someone to talk to in the 24-hour laundry mat that certain New Year’s Eve. All of your friends were out partying and you just wanted to do was some laundry and go to bed.

Then you suddenly got lonesome, despondent, lost, and fearing that some gang would come into the laundry mat and mug you. Some amateur gangs on the way up, and “paying their dues,” are prone to mugging lonely people in all-night laundry mats.

And there she was, standing near the door smoking a cigarette. “Oh joy,” you said to yourself and make a “Bee Line,” to talk to her.

You introduced yourself, “Hi, I am Margie.”

“I’m Joanie. Nice to meet ya.’” She said exhaling a puff of smoke into the cold night.

“Uhhh, you live around here?” you asked to be cordial.

“Yeah, ‘bout three blocks that way. Why?” she says stomping-out her cigarette.

“I thought if you weren’t busy, you might want to come sit with me and get out of the cold. Frankly, I am afraid of this neighborhood,” you explain as you two walk back to the chairs.

“Sure. Besides, I have a load in the dryer,” she says with a huge smile.

You feel so secure, safe, and all warm inside. Life isn’t all bad. Good people still exist. You made a new friend.

Note: You are dead-wrong. Do you even realize what has happened in this brief-exchange with Joanie?

You have “let your guard down,” and are no longer an independent young woman living on her own in the big city of Los Angeles, California.

You are now the best friend with a “Clingy-best friend.

At this point I owe it to you to explain that in the “old days,” (the 1970’s through the 1980’s,” girls were best friends with girls, but today, a female best friend is a “BFF,” best friend forever. Guys are never best friends with guys. They are just best buddies.

Right now, in order to fully-understand the rest of my story, think of “the,” not “one of,” but “the” most-nerve-racking, annoying, purely-aggravating, person, thing or beast from the Abyss that you know of.

Okay. Got it in your mind? Okay. Here is a news flash: A clingy-best friend is far-worse than whatever you have placed in your mind as the all-time worst person, thing or beast from the Abyss you have, or ever will meet.

How to Know The Signs of A Clingy-Best Friend:

• Always looking all around afraid someone else will join you two for a talk.
• Always “fake laughs” at every joke you tell.
• Tells others in restaurant to “be quiet.” Her best friend is talking.
• Gets your initials tattooed on her chest.
• Never goes straight-home, but to your place no matter where you have been.
• Gets rude with your family when they call or visit and her at your place.
• Writes silly little poems about you and her and reads them to you.
• Gives you and her silly pet names.

Does your clingy-best friend . . .

• Look through your mail, calls on your cell phone, and trash to see if there is anyone else besides them who are friends with you?
• Give you “The Third-Degree,” each time you meet for lunch?
• Try to match their clothing with yours?
• Get their haircut styled just like yours?
• Show-up at outings uninvited?
• Lose sleep worrying about if they have offended you?
• Call you way too much?
• Give you a gift for no reason?
• Tell a hot guy who tries to talk to you to, “Hit the bricks. She’s not into you.”
• Pout and give you the “silent treatment” when another friend is visiting you and your clingy-best friend is there too?
• Pop-in at your apartment without calling first and say, “Just checking on you.”
• Answer your phone for you and say, “She’s busy. Call back later.” And you are not doing anything.
• Put her head near yours almost rides your back to hear whom you are talking to on the phone.
• At dinner or lunch, they always touch your teeth to remove the awkward-bits of spinach or carrot that has now wedged between your left molar and bicuspid.
• They pull your chair out for you and they are female too.

Creepy-Phrases Your Clingy-Best Friend Has Started to Use

• “Yeah, it’s you and me forever, babe.”
• “Ever wanted to kiss me?”
• “Would you like to move-in with me?”
• “Want me to move-in with you?”
• “You’re my gurl and that’s that.”
• “Come here—give mommy a kiss.”
• “I know it’s late and you have an early day, so I will stay the night with you to take care of you.”
• “Your brother tried move on me, but I told him “I” was in a relationship with you.”
• “Would you take a look at this bump on my butt?”
• “We would make great parents—let’s adopt a baby.

Have You Had Any of These Stupid Conversations With Your Clingy-Best Friend?

Foolish Conversation #1

• YOU: Are you angry, upset or what?
• CLINGY BF: Oh, I don’t know anymore. I buy you things, call every day and night, and you act like I am a burden to you.

Foolish Conversation #2

• YOU: (to third friend at lunch): Oh, Billie. I just love that color on you.
• Billie: (Interrupted by your Clingy-Best Friend)
• CLINGY BF: You never say that to me! (hurls salad in air. Other diners start staring)
• YOU: Now, listen. You better . . .
  CLINGY BF: What? Go, so you and Billie can be alone? Billie, why don’t you leave. Margie and I have some stuff to work-out.

Foolish Conversation #3

• YOU: Joanie, what are you doing here?
• CLINGY BF: You said today was the day you were going shopping—so here I am!
• YOU: Joanie, I meant with Judy and Betty. Want me to introduce you?
• CLINGY BF: NO! I am through wasting my time chasing you down! GOOD-BYE!
• YOU: Ohh, Joanie!
• CLINGY BF: Ohh, Margie. I am so sorry. Did I offend you? Did I make you angry? Pleeeaaasssseee, I beg you, (now down on her knees) to forgive me!
• (Judy and Betty start heaving with laughter and walk away)

Things You Have Said to Your Clingy-Best Friend Hoping They Would Give You Some Space:

• “Joanie, you are so together, so you won’t be offended when I ask you to just give me some space.”
• “I can open the catsup myself.”
• “I just wanted to spend some time alone.”
• “Joanie, do you not have any family living near here?”
• “Joanie, who are some of your other friends?”
• “Joanie, I am going with my uncle Leon to his World War II Platoon reunion. I won’t be back until Sunday night and---no, Joanie. Just us two.”
• “Joanie, I forgot. Now where to you live?”

Things You Have Tried to Get Your Clingy-Best Friend to Just Back-Off:

• Ignoring her phone calls.
• Installing a dead-bolt lock on your front door.
• Changed your phone number.
• Not saying much at one of your daily lunches.
• Acting distracted.
• Acting like a pure, cold-hearted snob.
• Saying you will meet clingy-best friend at some new restaurant and never showing-up.
• When she gets your new phone number and starts calling, you make noises like the reception is not good.
• When she calls and says she is on her way to your place, but when she arrives, you don’t answer the door
• Just flat-out being rude to your clingy-best friend to make her go home.
• Playing “The Honesty Game,” with clingy-best friend to see what each of you dislike about the other and your items number 1 through 50, her’s has no items. She doesn’t get angry and stays the night.

The Toll That This Clingy-Best Friend Has Taken on You:

• Your nerves are shot.
• Your hands shake for no reason.
• You jump at the least little sound.
• You probably sleep about two-hours a night.
• You have lost over 20-pounds—without any cleansing aid, diet pills or exercise.
• Talking to yourself is now normal.
• You almost lost your job due to this clingy-best friend just showing-up to see who you work with.
• You are now a border-line alcoholic due to excessive-drinking because of the clingy-best friend.

You Are at Your Wit’s End. These Are Your Last Options to Rid Yourself

Of The Clingy-Best Friend:

• File a restraining order on her.
• Call the police when she is in your apartment and report her as an intruder.
• Move to new place in the dead of the night.
• Use disguises when you go out in daylight.
• Learn a foreign language and forget English.
• Contract a deadly-virus—on purpose and hug your clingy-best friend all of the time she is in your place.

If these things do not work for you, as a last resort, move to Cuba.