Many thoughts are rushing on me' head as i sit right now trying to figure out the lingering sadness that envelopes me...my whole being. A lot of people loves me. I know that for a fact. I have lived my life feeling imperfect, unlucky...unfortunately till today. This on my head brings a wry smile across my face, saying to myself "hey you...what seems to be the problem?".
Well...i don't know...that's what i can simply utter in silence while my seemingly tired and stiff fingers continued to type each letter of these words i say.
I feel lonely. I am not sure why...or what really makes me unhappy.
Looking back at myself i know i'm still in control of my thoughts. I am not sure if i'm losing control of my emotions though. I don't want to cry anymore for i had shed a river of tears for all the years of my imperfect life.
I'm somehow blessed i know. I was gifted with two wonderful daughters...one of whom is already a graduate of fine arts and at a young age of 21 has to join me in the ranks of what Philippines is well known for...OFW's. Overseas Foreign Workers that's what we are greatly known for all over the world. My youngest is 18 turning 19 this year and would be in her 3rd year college level taking up Public Health at the University of the Philippines. They have been my source of inspiration, the only reason why i continue to Strive and to Live. I have a loving family...a supportive mom and an only brother who cares. I have great good friends, guys and girls, near and far who fills up my day and bring out a smile in me anyhow. I know that on this premise, i have no reason to fret, cry and complain.
But when i think about the life...and what i had missed through all these years, i couldn't stop the tears welling up in my eyes. I am 44 and soon will be 45. Everyone says, i'm at the prime of my life, but i don't see it that way and instead i'm somewhat experiencing what others call as mid-life crisis perhaps. I can always give a hearty laugh, throw away funny lines and jokes that make people laugh, but deep within me...i feel empty.
Beyonce was right when she made this song..."if i were a boy, i think i would understand , how it feels to love a girl and i swear i'll be a better man..." singing this song at the back of my head, i agree...i would have been happier and complete, had i been a boy. But i'm not.
Can't help but remember that traditionally, filipino women during the olden days are considered as "light of the home." It is the role of mothers to bring warmth and joy to the family. It is the mother's duty to keep the house clean and in order, cook the food and make sure that her husband and children eats the right and nutritious kind of meals every day. It is those times when mothers stay home and take care of the kids while the father or husband has gone out for work.
Alas! but that was long ago....it's now a different era, a hard-to-face reality that shows working women and mothers are doomed. Gone were the days when women enjoys the role of being full-fledged mothers or wives enjoy time with their children while fathers and husbands are out doing the role of being responsible men.
I am just tired i guess...but tomorrow is another day.
I will still be the same serious funny woman i was and will be...a proud mother of two, emptiness may dampen my spirit at times...nevertheless, I WILL CARRY ON.