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I'm a Lesbian Trapped in a Man's Body

Updated on March 31, 2009
mharrasch on flickr
mharrasch on flickr

Find My Keys and We'll Drive Out

Something was rotten in Denmark. People were going there to get sex change operations, starting in 1950 with George Jorgenson who, by 1952, became Christine Jorgenson. That was before my time of course, and thankfully beyond the purview of this article, otherwise I'd have to start talking about squirmy stuff like hormone therapy and castration and other horrible procedures performed by the appropriately named Dr. Hamburger. Now I've done plaster work, and I've been plastered, but I've never had anything to do with any vaginoplasty and I'm not going to start now.

But here's the thing: In the mid-seventies, I started hearing about the reasons people underwent sex change surgeries. People thought they were something trapped inside of something else entirely. Maybe they thought they were a woman trapped in a man's body. Or maybe they thought they were a man trapped in a woman's body, which you can imagine is a bit more complicated because Dr. Hamburger can make mincemeat out of a steak relatively easily as compared to making a steak out of mincemeat, which is in the purview of sorcery.

Sirkullay on flickr
Sirkullay on flickr

Jump on the Bandwagon

It was all these people, these tortured souls who found themselves inhabiting a foreign vessel, a vessel so abhorrent to them, so wrong, that they felt compelled to undergo a drastic rearranging of nature, that got me started examining myself. Not physically, no. I was a boy of the whole-steak variety and I liked girls. I liked girls a lot. But surely there must be something wrong with me. I must be tortured about something. Wasn't I an artist and didn't artists have tortured souls? And then I had my aha moment. It was primal. It was simple. I was a lesbian trapped in a man's body.

Oh, goody. Now I was as screwed up as everybody else and I could get a shrink and spend a ton of money getting to the crux of my unique problem. Just like the famous people do. I soon found a doctor willing to take my case, which he assured me was a very difficult case indeed. I think he was a burger-flipper trapped in a doctor's body, but he wouldn't answer my queries about it.

bobster1985 on flickr
bobster1985 on flickr

Go Global

It wasn't that I wanted to be a woman attracted to other women. I was happy being a man, so what caused me to feel this way? To feel like a lesbian trapped in a man's body? After years of aversion therapy (it is too painful for me to give you the details—just know that it was horrible, horrible,) I finally came to the inescapable conclusion that what I was attracted to was women who did or might have sex with another woman. She just might. Maybe. If I was lucky.

Now I know many women reading this are disgusted at this notion, thinking me crude and ape-like, but I offer this in my defense: We like women so much that it is perfectly understandable why one woman would want to be with another. Furthermore, I have read that men's desire to see two women together is so common that it is shared by all cultures and peoples, and that includes everyone from remote jungle tribes to the highest levels of society. It is so prevalent, in fact, that whether or not a man desires to see two women together is an accurate indication of whether a man is straight or gay.

phillipe leroyer
phillipe leroyer

"I Kissed A Girl" - Kate Perry

Me Tarzan, You Jane, You Jane

Still, there has to be something more at the root of this psychological conundrum. I have decided that it is this: We da man! That's right, we da man! Firstly, there is the excessive femaleness of the situation. It's like...you know...double. It's the double-mint twins, double your pleasure, double your fun. And as we stand off-camera watching this display of ultra-femininity, we know that in the end, we will be called on. Yes, we will be needed. We will be implored, nay, begged, to enter stage left and bring the scene to its rightful and shattering conclusion, because we have the...you know...the thing. And we imagine that women cannot do without the thing.

I should point out that my life right now couldn't be farther from this idea, this hope. I am way past it. Were I to make a casual suggestion to my wife I would get an iron skillet upside the head. Plus, people our age don't look good in this situation. No, this is something for the young. For the beautiful. As for my past, I will not say, but I have had my share of crushes on lesbians, some of them serious crushes. I will say that never once have I been able to make this scene happen. No, I think this is something that happens to you. The best advice I can offer is for you not to get your hopes up, be a nice guy, and have some lesbian friends. Sometimes they get curious. If the right time comes, you'll be in the right place.

Somebody's going to be there.  It may as well be you.

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    • profile image

      Ed in AZ 2 years ago

      This is very funny. Christoph, well done. Maybe it is home town identification. I was generated in St. Louis, as well.

    • profile image

      5 years ago

      I read this article because i googled it. Im a female, and i feel the same way about men. I am extremely heterophobic and actually tried dating women, but i prefer men (for the most part). But whenever i do date a male, i wish i was a guy too. I keep considering getting a sex change because i really do feel like a gay male on the inside.

      It may not make sense to anyone else who says "Oh no that just means your straight", it does not. I understand this man's predicament.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis

      ezenzy: Thanks for the comment. Glad you took the time to write.

    • ekenzy profile image

      ekenzy 6 years ago

      i have really needed this write up. nice hub thanks

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis

      Twilight: Yeah, I steadfastly refused to do the lol thing myself for years, instead making up my own like, lolwscomn (laughing out loud while shooting coke out my nose) Eventually though, it became too great an effort to resist the onslaught of these Internet acronyms, and I succumbed, bitter in defeat.

    • Twilight Lawns profile image

      Twilight Lawns 6 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Great, as usual Christoph. I laughed out loud (I don't do that "lol" thing).

      I have a lot of catching up to do with your writings... but it's a labour of love.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

      ladyjane: Hello! Hey, thanks for visiting this lonely old hub. Glad I tickle your funny bone. You have to watch me though. I might try to tickle something else.

    • ladyjane1 profile image

      ladyjane1 7 years ago from Texas

      Oh my Im so glad I found you. You really tickle my funny bone....LOL Cheers.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      UW: Probably.

    • Uninvited Writer profile image

      Susan Keeping 8 years ago from Kitchener, Ontario

      Didn't Eddie Izzard say that? :) Good hub.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Thanks, Misty. Glad you found the time to read it!

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Just caught up with this one after my holiday Chris, and it was truly hilarious. Well done for the laughs :)

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Shady: Hey, I was really talking about Scrabble for a change. But now I have a devilish grin on my face too. That's food for thought, or...food for something.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Shady: Hey, I was really talking about Scrabble for a change. But now I have a devilish grin on my face too. That's food for thought, or...food for something.

    • Shady Lady profile image

      Shady Lady 8 years ago from here and there

      I could have a lot of fun with that...

    • Shady Lady profile image

      Shady Lady 8 years ago from here and there

      Too bad you can't see the devilish grin on my face right now..

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Randy and Shady: Someone always gets jealous, and it's not always the man. Not by a long shot. But since we are three mature adults, and understand the situation for what it is...I was thinking....we could play Scrabble!

    • Shady Lady profile image

      Shady Lady 8 years ago from here and there

      Yeah, that can definitely happen. A lot of times men get threatened by the other woman, and they get jealous. They see it as competition that they can't really compete with, and the truth of the matter is, it's nothing like that.

    • Randy Behavior profile image

      Randy Behavior 8 years ago from Near the Ocean

      Lady, that is exactly as my girlfriend described her threesome.  It eventually dissolved because her boyfriend got jealous of the bond the two girls developed.

    • Shady Lady profile image

      Shady Lady 8 years ago from here and there

      Can I plead the fifth??? It doesn't usually work that way. Usually, a guy is dating a girl who is a little more adventurous, likes women and men, and it get's suggested, and she knows of someone who would be willing, and it goes from there.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Randy: Your wish is my culinary command. Chevre it is. Lots of prep time. You want prep time. I'll milk the damn goat an MAKE the Chevre!

      Shady Lady: Hello, friend...ahem. I do not disagree with the bisexual theorum. But why should I trust you? Do you have a story you wish to relate? What's really best is when two beautiful girls you knew in college come to you out of the blue, confess that they had been fooling around with each other and have decided to try a threesome, and would YOU like to be the third. But that never happens!

    • Shady Lady profile image

      Shady Lady 8 years ago from here and there

      A fun hub! A lot of fun!!! ;) I am just me. I am not trapped anywhere. I agree with some of the comments made, you need to make friends with bisexuals!! Trust me on this one!!! ;)

    • Randy Behavior profile image

      Randy Behavior 8 years ago from Near the Ocean

      I'm thinking goat cheese (chevre) instead of cream cheese and I'd say leave the seeds out for a longer lasting slower burn. And the prep time, the longer the better... You Chris can come show me how to cook anytime! God, now I'm gonna have to go take a cold shower.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Randy:  Why, I do believe I'm sweating...and panting.  Ok.  How about this: Slice a whole jalapeño in half.  Scrape the seeds and membrane out for a little spicy (leave it alone if you like your Randy Behavior real spicy and hot!!!).  Fill it with Cream Cheese.  On top of the Cream Cheese, lay strips of candied lemon peel (sweet and tart - just like Randy; take a long time to make [several hours or even days] and you would want to take a long time with Randy), plus it's a surprise.  Wrap in bacon and roast until crisp and savory.  Sweet, tart, spicy, creamy, salty, delicious, and a new sensation for your tongue and palate!  Just like Randy!  I have to go start cooking.

    • Randy Behavior profile image

      Randy Behavior 8 years ago from Near the Ocean

      Chicken liver.  I'd have to taste the date ones before passing judgement... I'll taste anything once.  Me as a dish hmmmmm, it would be little bit spicy, a little bit sweet and definitely have a surprise in store.  Oh, and you'd have to eat it with your fingers.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      That's interesting. I did a little looking around, and what I find mostly is Angels on Horseback is bacon wrapped oysters (the edges of the oysters curl and resemble angel's wings) and Devils on Horseback is bacon-wrapped dates (devils because of the dark color of the dates.) Emeril has a recipe for Angels and Devils on Horseback, and one is oysters and the other is scallops, but it doesn't specify which is which.

      Still, if you live in an area famous for oysters with a festival (I would LOVE that festival) that they would know a thing or two about them. I don't know what to think, but I would love all these things (and I like liver too! Is is a piece of beef liver, chicken liver, or what?)

      I'll call them whatever you wish. How about a dish called Randy on Horseback? It would be...what? It would have to be delicious to be worthy of the name.

    • Randy Behavior profile image

      Randy Behavior 8 years ago from Near the Ocean

      The angels I know are the scallops and the devils are liver. So the oysters must be another version of devils on horseback? We are famous for oysters around here, we even have a big festival will an oyster calling contest and everything!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Awww, Randy. I'm breakin' you out at midnight! I know how to make D & A on horseback, but have never made them. I've done it with scallops though. I like my oysters raw with extra spicy, horseradish cocktail sauce, or an Oyster Casserole (which we always made on holidays) or even breaded and fried. I'll have to try them though. I know I would love them (who doesn't love bacon?)

    • Randy Behavior profile image

      Randy Behavior 8 years ago from Near the Ocean

      I should probably get back in my cage anyway. Chris do you know how to make devil and angels on horseback?

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Randy: Sure I do. Didn't know it was really you, is all. I've got to finish making dinner now. Beef Stroganhoff. Ymmmm.

      WhoArtNow: What are you LOL'ing about?

    • WHoArtNow profile image

      WHoArtNow 8 years ago from Leicester, UK

      :) lol

    • Randy Behavior profile image

      Randy Behavior 8 years ago from Near the Ocean

      Ya with lust in my somethin'.  So, you don't like my backside as well as my mid-drift eh?

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Randy: I can't believe you haven't been here before. This seems like the kind of thing you would read with lust in your heart. Glad to see you!

    • Randy Behavior profile image

      Randy Behavior 8 years ago from Near the Ocean

      Can't believe I haven't stopped by here sooner, looks like my kind of party!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      That's good stuff, man. Of course, I don't want to be a woman. Your personal story is amazing. I'm glad you came by and checked this out and I found out who you were. I'll be reading you.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Schwag; Well, glad you came by and thanks to Cris A for reccommending me. I clicked on your link and get the message, "Hub does not exist".

    • Schwag profile image

      Schwag 8 years ago from Clarksville, TN

      Cristoph - I really enjoyed this article. I was referred to it by Cris A when I posted this http://hubpages.com/hub/Transhomogendersexual. I thought I was the only one!!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Broyce: Thanks for the visit. While our religious view would appear to be quite different from each other, I think we are not so different. Thanks for the comment.

      modernsavage: That's right! At least you gave it a shot. And you never know...it could have been a beautiful thing! Thanks for commenting!

    • modernsavage profile image

      modernsavage 8 years ago

      Ha, this reminds me of the time I tried to convince a lesbian to hook up with me because I was a basically a lesbian with a penis, you get the best of both worlds! Unfortunately, this tactic didn't fly and my male ego was shot to hell... ah well, it was worth a shot :)

    • profile image

      broyce 8 years ago

      In this world, i think what matters is your faith to our Creator. What you do or whoever you are won't matter to him if not abided by faith or love on Him. Life is good my friend, search the goodness and it will be yours. Thanks!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Now, now, sweet Jewels.  No mwah mwah-ing.  It's Ok.  Sorry if you're feeling crabby.  I'm glad I can make you laugh.  Come and see me anytime.  Next time, I'll visit your place and bring you some scented candles and a bottle of wine.

    • Jewels profile image

      Jewels 8 years ago from Australia

      Angry at you............never. Darn! I've sent out mixed messages. I just got my period so perhaps I'm a tad on the moody side. Perhaps you could feel it too and were picking up something, we women have this ability. You are one of the people I can go deep with and not be labelled a total lunatic. You usually make me laugh and perk up my spirits, God knows that's always helpful.

      mwah mwah mwah

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Isabella: Gosh! Do you think it really explains metrosexuality? Hmmm. Maybe. I hadn't though of it before. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. Apparently, I brought it to your attention without even realizing it. I'll get my staff researching this development right away. Would you like to volunteer for the study? Thanks for coming by. I don't see near enough of you.

      Jewels: You are deep. I can't tell if you are angry or what. You theory is a good one, and while I do believe that men can have a feminine side and vice versa, in my case, it was not a woman trying to get out but me trying to get into two women. (I can't believe I just said that!) Well, if you were angry before you are probably more angry now. If you were laughing before, then you might again be laughing.

      And no, "nevermind" is not more empassioned, but you sure gave it the old college try. I appreciate you, Jewels. I really do! Thanks!

    • Jewels profile image

      Jewels 8 years ago from Australia

      And it's totally understandable from a higher standpoint. I mean if we were to transcend duality we would then find our lost half. In the process of it, it's very likely that within a man is a woman wanting to get out, and inside a woman there is a man trying to get out. Sure this must create allot of confusion at times, not knowing whether you're Arthur or Martha. Perhaps I should have been more compassionate with your dilemma. Others would just say 'suck it up Christoph.' Nevermind has a more empassioned tone. Don't you think?

    • Isabella Snow profile image

      Isabella Snow 8 years ago

      I've always found the saying, "lesbian trapped in a man's body" to be amusing, but I've only just realized that it actually explains the entire metrosexual epidemic. I can't believe the answer was that simple! Thanks, Christoph!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      ajcor: I'm sure they were disappointed that you couldn't make it. After all, two's a party and three's....a bigger party! And yes. I'll make Eggs Benedict for all of you. We'll have a party. Just a bunch of ladies and me making eggs Benedict. Now, that's a party!

      Elena: Hey, babe! Glad you're up to date on the comments. As usual, it's taken so many twists and turns that I have forgotten where it started. Nice to see you to start off the day.

      Jewels: Huh? Speak up, Jewels, I can't hear you. I see how you are. I'm going to go to all of your hubs and write the comment: Nevermind.

      VioletSun: Yes, Violet, I'm very mad, that you should compare me to a funny guy like Rockin' Joe (plus, he's the guy who want's me dead). Funny about this existing, isn't it? I thought it was just funny, and imagine my surprise when I found out it was a real thing. Thanks for coming by and the comment.

    • VioletSun profile image

      VioletSun 8 years ago from Oregon/ Name: Marie

      Christoph: Don't get mad at me, LOL, but you have the same style of humor and writing as Rocking Joe; warm, funny, witty; are you twins? And boy this was funny, you made up a condition and it exists. LOL!

    • Jewels profile image

      Jewels 8 years ago from Australia

      Nevermind Christoph

    • Elena. profile image

      Elena. 8 years ago from Madrid

      I've been catching up with all the comments here and let me tell you, they rock, and roll, and shesh, who knew Pam Roberson has such an evil streak to her? Laugh! Happy bday Patricia, you wicked 33, you!

    • ajcor profile image

      ajcor 8 years ago from NSW. Australia

      Chris it is that time lapse thing...(tongue in cheek) but I am really sorry that I can't make the banana split practice with Patricia but maybe i could help with the champagne later!

      Hope you had a great birthday Patricia and that brunch went down well....cheers or should I say Salud....

      are you still up to making eggs benedict for her Chris?

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      You're welcome. And really, happy birthday. You're a good friend and a classy lady.

    • Patricia Costanzo profile image

      Patricia Costanzo 8 years ago from Behind the Redwood Curtain

      Good night boys! Perhaps "an endless puzzle of intertwined arms and legs" another time then.

      Thanks for making my birthday so much fun; mean it!

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      I gotta go soon too. I have to practice making eggs Benedict.

    • Cris A profile image

      Cris A 8 years ago from Manila, Philippines

      Love ritual you say? Now i'm limited to buttons off, zipper down, 1 cig after! LOL

      I'd leave you guys to sort this nasty-sounding affair - but i would appreciate a blow by blow account. LOL

      See ya guys later :D

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Cris: It's like some amazon love ritual or something. 

      Patricia: I will make you your eggs Benedict...better than you've ever had.  For true.

    • Cris A profile image

      Cris A 8 years ago from Manila, Philippines

      Now what in the hell is "banana split practice"? It sounds scary! And with Pam and Ajcor, too!

      Good luck Christoph :D

    • Patricia Costanzo profile image

      Patricia Costanzo 8 years ago from Behind the Redwood Curtain

      Damn I guess I'm gonna have to give up one of my all time favorite breakfasts. Unless someone wants to offer to make breakfast with hollandaise made to order. Anyone, anyone?

      Ajcor, Pam didn't show up for banana split practice. Are you in?

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Patricia: It is my medical opinion, which is to say, medically, I am having a heart attack and that is my opinion!

      ajcor: Yes, but maybe the alcohol kills the...uh...whatever it might have.

      Anna: Me too! Have you read Kitchen Confidential? It's great. I watch his show constantly, until I have seen them about 5 times and then I have to take a week off. i read his blog too, but I haven't read any this season. It's pretty good though, and there are other articles by the camera guy, the producer, whoever, about a particular episode. You should check it out. just Google "Bourdain Blog." Or go to Food Network and find it that way.

      See, Patricia? It made Anna sick. I wasn't lying.

    • Anna Marie Bowman profile image

      Anna Marie Bowman 8 years ago from Florida

      Chris, I love Anthony Bourdain!!! I love his show, No Reservations, on the travel channel!!! I hate eggs Benedict, though, but maybe it's because last time I ate it, I did get sick! Human banana split? LOL!!!

    • ajcor profile image

      ajcor 8 years ago from NSW. Australia

      Patricia - human banana split practice and raw egg tolks! could be an interesting combination - but I am sure you feel fine altho the 5th botttle of champagne could just maybe upset your finely tuned balancing act!

    • Patricia Costanzo profile image

      Patricia Costanzo 8 years ago from Behind the Redwood Curtain

      Is that your medical opinion Dr.?

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Now, now. You feel fine, you feel fine, you feel fi....

    • Patricia Costanzo profile image

      Patricia Costanzo 8 years ago from Behind the Redwood Curtain

      Raw egg yoks, raw egg yoks. I'm beginning to feel a little funny... I better cancel my late night reading plans with Pam. Damn we were gonna try to get in some human banana split practice in too. (pout)

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      I always ordered it too and, like I said, I never got sick. I don't order it anymore though. Hey, I'm just passing on the info. Order it if you want. Raw egg yolks, raw egg yolks, raw egg yolks, raw eg...

    • Patricia Costanzo profile image

      Patricia Costanzo 8 years ago from Behind the Redwood Curtain

      The thing is I order it about half the time! Guess I'm just made from tough stock.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      No. It's just that in a brunch situation, hollandaise sauce isn't made to order -- they don't have time for that. So it's just sitting around back there (or on the buffet table...even worse.) It's made with raw egg yolks. You look up any recipe for hollandaise and I'll bet it says "serve immediately." That's all. You could easily get sick, but if you feel ok, don't worry about it, but you're shooting craps when you order it during a brunch. If it's a really nice place, and you know the chef or you know that it is made to order, then that's ok. I'd at least always ask the waitress--she might tell you the truth. I've eaten it many times before learning this and never got sick. This advice comes from Tony Bourdain (Kitchen Confidential), and I pretty much take his word for it.

      Don't worry about it. You're ok.

    • Patricia Costanzo profile image

      Patricia Costanzo 8 years ago from Behind the Redwood Curtain

      Is that you just being gross?

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Um...no. It's the hollandais that's the problem.

    • Patricia Costanzo profile image

      Patricia Costanzo 8 years ago from Behind the Redwood Curtain

      Christoph, just another brand of champagne and a bottle of Merlot for desert. But now I'm worried about Eggs Benedict. What about Crab Benedict?

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
      Author

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Patricia: Happy thirty-thirteenth! Apparently, it was a good year for wine and women. I can understand what you say: Pirates are too busy raping and pillaging and the French side just doesn't do the can-can as well as before. And what was ordered instead of the fifth bottle of champagne?

      Pam: Well, I don't want to read it anyway...so there! Why upset the applecart, I say. That sounds like the kind of brunch I know. By the way, if you do go out to brunch, never have the eggs benedict. Trust me on this one.

    • Pam Roberson profile image

      Pam Roberson 8 years ago from Virginia

      You know me well Christoph, yes, I can't resist fanning the flames of near dead embers nor can I stop myself from pouring gas on an already deadly fire. :) As far as Patricia's new found comment goes, she has a copyright seal on it, so I'm obliged to only speak with her secretly about it. ;)

      About brunch, I always thought that was when you sleep through breakfast, then you're starving before lunch, so you fry up an egg with some bacon and make a sandwich out of it. Washing it down with champagne sounds like a good idea. :)

    • Patricia Costanzo profile image

      Patricia Costanzo 8 years ago from Behind the Redwood Curtain

      Yep it really is my birthday, and I'm thirty thirteen today. But we pirates don't give a rats ass about getting old... the french side cares a little.

      And gentlemen a brunch is a meal where, apparently, the waitress comes back and says, "I'm sorry ladies we don't have any more of that particular one chilled. Should we make your fifth bottle of champagne something else?"

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Patricia:  My Gawd, I have never encountered someone so thoroughly explained by their geneology.  Irish Pirates and French?  Really.  Think about it.  Do you think it "explains you," as you say.  Of course, it's an oversimplification--you're much more unique and mysterious and not so easily read as a book--but still.

      Candy Ass:  I wasn't looking in your window.  I was with Dwight Danglewanger and HE was looking in your window.  I just happened to be standing there. It was...uh...nice.  Don't know that I actually call that exercise, though it did appear aerobic.  Do let me know when you find out what brunch stands for!

    • C.A. Hubberpants profile image

      C.A. Hubberpants 8 years ago from HubPages Lounge

      You been peekin' in my windows again? Those contortion moves take lots of concentration and booze. I'll need to stock up on both before doin' that hub. ;)

      You know what brunch really stands for don't you? I'm not sure either, but I'll get back to you when I figure it out.

    • Patricia Costanzo profile image

      Patricia Costanzo 8 years ago from Behind the Redwood Curtain

      Christoph, I am a descendant of Irish pirates actually, but on my father's side My mother was mostly French. Does this help explain me?

    • Christoph Reilly profile image
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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Candy Ass: Glad you could make it. I'm surprised you weren't here sooner, since you usually see these situations developing before they've even started. I am looking forward to your next hub about the C.A. Hubberpants Workout, where you can show us all how you keep in shape and the yoga master-like positions into which you can contort your body.

      Patricia: Is that what you call it now? A brunch? I'll bet. Seriously though, is it your birthday? Happy B'day if it is. What are you...24?

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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Ok. Defribulater is working good...that's good to know. I do believe that you have a glint of strawberry in your hair, and that your mother's hair was "dark red, the pretty kind" because you've got some Irish blood in you, no doubt about it.

      I agree with Goldentoad, that there is nothing up there to see, so you may as well stay down here in the gutter with us.

      Tom Cornett: I havn't seen an article with that title and it sounds like a winner. I'll be sure to read it. When will you publish?

      Pam: Isn't that just like you. A raging fire in danger of consuming the whole town, and you throw gas on it. Since you have found the description, would you mind transcribing it so we can all read it, and feel free to embellish it by adding yourself to the mix.

      GT: Just give me a front row seat and a bottle of Irish.

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      Patricia Costanzo 8 years ago from Behind the Redwood Curtain

      Little early for a margarita I was thinking mimosa. I'm actually heading out for my birthday brunch with the girls. I'll know doubt be, more "relaxed" upon my return. I'll let you know if I still got it.

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      C.A. Hubberpants 8 years ago from HubPages Lounge

      Wow Patricia, you're right, a little warming up makes all the difference! One big ole shot of tequila got at least one of my legs up around my head, so I guess I'm ready for some late night reading if Pam can't make it, and I'm really looking forward to that part about making a human banana split. :D

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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      My Dear Ms. Costanzo: So, your artistic description of your fantasy has been lost in cyberspace? Is that the story you want to go with? Well, I'll get the cyber dicks right on it. (Thats dicks as in private detectives.) I'm sure it will be worth the trouble as you have probably put Anais Nin to shame. You probably talked about "smooth, glistening skin" and "long silky hair that smelled of lilacs" and "an endless puzzle of intertwined arms and legs" and "the musky smell of lust" and what not...uh...um...be right back.

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      goldentoad 8 years ago from Free and running....

      mai-tai, long island ice tea, margarita, martini, what can i get you?

    • Patricia Costanzo profile image

      Patricia Costanzo 8 years ago from Behind the Redwood Curtain

      Oh, and Pam the bendy stuff isn't that hard really you just have to warm up first. I put at least one foot behind my head once a year just to prove I can still do it. Usually on my Birthday... maybe after I've had few cocktails.

    • goldentoad profile image

      goldentoad 8 years ago from Free and running....

      scene: goldentoad punching walls in frustration

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      Patricia Costanzo 8 years ago from Behind the Redwood Curtain

      Pam should we let Golden read it? No, your right we should keep it to ourselves. Late night reading for you and me. Just between us girls. Oh, that's probably just fueling the fire though, eh Golden?

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      Pam Roberson 8 years ago from Virginia

      Patricia, I found it! I found your smut ditch, Living Out Loud, comment floating in cyberspace and I snatched it up. Wow! i didn't know people could be so bendy! I won't be the one to reveal your fantasy, plus I'm all sweaty and tired from reading such stuff, and I probably need some oxygen. :)

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      Tom Cornett 8 years ago from Ohio

      Anybody ever do an article on, "I'm a Monk with Erectile Disfunction?"

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      goldentoad 8 years ago from Free and running....

      Nothing to see "up" there Patricia, stay here down here with us, take a few moments, I'm sure it will all come back again. I'd like to quote you again to perhaps take you back to that story,

      "I'm exhausted and sweaty from the first time."

      Please continue...please?

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      Patricia Costanzo 8 years ago from Behind the Redwood Curtain

      Damn where'd it go? I posted this really long comment and its gone. You sounded like you didn't believe me Christoph, and I was wounded. So in an effort repair our budding relationship, and after my hair was dry, I went to work giving you the ins and outs of my favorite fantasy. Kinda like Holly Hunter in Living Out Loud, but double the masseuses. I wrote it with all the sordid hard hitting details you men seem to like. Of course I had to weave some beautifully sensual sentences in for my own entertainment as well. But now its lost in cyberspace and I am not going to do it again. I can’t rewrite the whole damn thing, I’m exhausted and sweaty from the first time. Besides, I've spent way too much time in this smut ditch as it is and need to get out. Could someone give a girl a leg up?

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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      sunforged: Thanks for reading and the very kind words. The conversation is quite funny and...uh...stimulating. Thanks again!

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      sunforged 8 years ago from Sunforged.com

      By the time i got to the bottom of all these comments i forget what i was going to say...so let me just thank you for a yet another very humorous read and iniating a great conversation

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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Well, you're pretty damn good at it!

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      goldentoad 8 years ago from Free and running....

      I admit he makes me laugh my ass off. I never get to talk trash to anyone now that I'm all grown up with a bunch of wrinkles and all.

      Work is just killin me CR! I'll be back in a few hours. And when I get home, I got to catch up on some legitimate hubs.

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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      GT: That's some funny stuff going on over there. I couldn't stand it anymore...I had to put my two cents in.

    • goldentoad profile image

      goldentoad 8 years ago from Free and running....

      I will.

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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      My Dear Ms. Costanzo: Do you think I am easier to be played on than a pipe? Fine. Go wash your silky tresses. I won't wait up.

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      Patricia Costanzo 8 years ago from Behind the Redwood Curtain

      After the offspring have been fed, I may have to wash my hair....

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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      I await patiently...is it done yet...is it done yet...is it done yet...

      This will be great for my rep!

    • Patricia Costanzo profile image

      Patricia Costanzo 8 years ago from Behind the Redwood Curtain

      Well if you're saying please that makes all the difference. I will shed my frocks of decency and modesty and delve into the world of literary debauchery in an attempt to titillate you. But I'll have to do it later as my daughter's grilled cheese is burning.

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      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Whoops. I misspelled it. It's "prithee." You find it a lot in Shakespeare (see All's Well That End's Well.) It is a polite request. Like saying "please."

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      Patricia Costanzo 8 years ago from Behind the Redwood Curtain

      Now I have to go look up the word prithy.