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Infidelity: How to regain the trust after its broken in a marriage.

Updated on February 3, 2012

#3 of the 30/30 challenge. How do you trust in a marriage, after infidelity?

How can you trust your spouse after learning that they've been unfaithful?

How can you look at that person in the eye, and believe what they are saying?

How do you trust your significant other, after your trust is broken?

So, how do you? Or do you even try?

There are too many questions that arise when a marriage has been tested by something as strange, and wrong as infidelity. Not only are couples at odds, but in reality, nothing is ever the same after this problem surfaces. How can couples get through this? and, is it even possible?

It takes a lot of time, and work from BOTH people in the marriage to work through a problem such as this one. For one, after dealing with the problem of infidelity, couples have to be brutally honest with each other when telling one another how they feel, and why they feel the way that they do.

Infidelity doesn't just come out of nowhere. It has a root. It has a way of starting when couples are fighting, or there is an unspoken problem between the two people, but no one is willing to talk or work on their problems.

There is only one way to deal with infidelity, and that is to face the problem head on, and to take responsibility for what has happened.

  1. Take full responsibility for what has happened. Your spouse doesn't need to hear that you will never do it again. In their minds, everything that is being said means nothing, but YOU HAVE TO TRY. Don't try to put the blame on the other person, just be honest, and show the remorse, this means more to them even if they do not feel it at the moment.
  2. Do try to see the problem from your spouses point of view, and do things that you know will help the situation. After infidelity, marriages suffer a horrible blow. For one, trust is broken, and both people in the relationship try their hardest to forget about what has happened. This however, doesn't work. the problem with infidelity is that it doesn't involve just TWO people, but THREE. Reassure your partner that the third person is COMPLETELY out of the picture.
  3. Be as open as possibly about the problem. The one thing that can ruin a marriage completely after infidelity is Lies. Once the problem is out in the open, do not try to cover up how it got started. Tell your spouse everything. Answer any and ALL questions that they may have. Check how they are feeling. Do not try to minimize their emotions. Support them, and be patient until they are ready to hear you.
  4. Be Open and honest with each other. So, forget about privacy after infidelity. Even though couples do deserve some time apart, after infidelity, privacy shouldn't be brought up. Couples need to be open, and honest with each other. Do not hide anything from each other. No lies, no matter how small. When couples are trying to regain trust in each other, its important to tell each other everything. From how they are feeling, to why they feel the way that they do.
  5. Know that your partner will need a lot of reassuring. This is normal when couples are trying to get back their trust. Do not be afraid to constantly reassure your partner that they have nothing to fear. Or tell your partner what you are doing. Answer your phone when your spouse calls you, and make sure you leave your phone alone when you are with your family.


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    • Pollyannalana profile image

      Pollyannalana 6 years ago from US

      I think that is the key, if a guy cheats with more than one woman it is not just a mistake or incident, he does not deserve forgiveness. I couldn't forgive one. Maybe it would be pride but whatever, why waste time if you know you can't forgive it?

    • Jessi10 profile image

      Jessica Rangel 6 years ago from Lancaster, CA

      I agree with that. I think those that are cheated ON should have support. I've hear of too many cases where the Third person so to speak has tried to Talk to friends of the person that was hurt in the relationship, so that maybe the friends would feel bad for that person. However, 9 times out of 10 the third person pretty lost the respect of a lot of people. As should happen..

    • LisaKoski profile image

      Lisa 6 years ago from WA

      Luckily for me, the other two he cheated with had a reputation so I pretty much got all the sympathy, which was well deserved. However, in that situation I still think there's no sympathy for those who cheated and the person they cheated with. They should feel horribly guilty and ashamed rather than seek pity.

    • Jessi10 profile image

      Jessica Rangel 6 years ago from Lancaster, CA

      Thank you for your comment! That's an interesting View. And I'm going to agree with you to an extent.

      I do believe in trust after infidelity. However, I do think that sometimes the pain and the damage is just too much for many couples to handle.

      Sometimes both people in the relationship DO NEED To look at where things went oh so wrong. Sometimes its only ONE persons problem, and other times, infidelity happened because of two people. In any case, Many couples still want to try to work things out.

      And for those that do, this Hub was for them!

      Thank you for your comment. I admire your pov. Keep a lookout for my other 30/30 hub challenge.

    • CrazyGata profile image

      CrazyGata 6 years ago from Puerto Rico

      I voted interesting, although I respectfully disagree with this try to make things better perspective.

      I know, at least I know that even when I stay with him, I will not trust him.

      Trust then has nothing to do anymore, is not about trust anymore. Trust becomes another fairy tales they saturated girls with when they were growing up.

      We have to be trustworthy, they get to show their manhood by having lots of girlfriends.

      Really... I say good riddance... If he is still there, fine; if he is not there anymore, even better.

      But I will not be bothered.

      Again, interesting, voted up and following.

    • Jessi10 profile image

      Jessica Rangel 6 years ago from Lancaster, CA

      that is a fabulous piece of advice. I like that. Some things should be kept between the people in the relationship. However, how do you deal with it when the OTHER person is telling everyone what happened, to get sympathy?

      This is one of the hardest things that many couples will go through, but when keeping it to yourselves no longer works, its just better to talk things out.

    • LisaKoski profile image

      Lisa 6 years ago from WA

      I think another piece of advice is to also keep the issues between the two of you. I'm not married but I've been in a long term relationship that unfortunately involved infidelity from my boyfriend. It was a major blow and took over a year to recover from.

      However, recently stuff starting coming up where I found out through mutual friends that he had talked about issues before, during, and after the cheating that should have been kept private. This just brought all the memories back and took us back a few major steps in recovering from this.

      This is a great hub full of awesome advice. Most of this my boyfriend actually did, although it took us both months to figure out everything and make it work. It's possible to survive infidelity if the two people truly love eachother.