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Insecure Women- No Way, Man! Men Want Women Who are Secure, Independent, and Self-Confident!

Updated on December 25, 2012
gmwilliams profile image

Grace loves to write commentaries on psycho-cultural and sociocultural dynamics in its myriad forms.


Men Finding Insecure Women Attractive-What Planet Are You On?

Oh no I definitely feel another Hub coming on!!! To answer a question of a sister hubber who stated that men find insecure women more attractive, I would say, "Woman, please get a grip on reality!" Intelligent, mature, and aware men definitely do not find insecure women more attractive. In fact, they find them annoying and nuisances to say the least. Intelligent, mature, and aware men want women who are strong, self-assured, independent, and intelligent. These attributes clearly do not describe women who are insecure!

Women who are insecure are usually doormats, martyrs, whiners, and patsies. They are not attractive. People want to avoid this type of woman like the plague. They are also needy people who constantly need outside reassurance. Insecure women are often people pleasers who are looking for approval. God help us if she asks a question and you elect to disagree with you. Oh no, she would melt and start to badger you with how could you said this and/or that. A worse scenario is that this poor woman would crumble and/or start to acquiesce to your way of thinking.

Insecure women simply do not possess any BACKBONE. They do not know the meaning of the word. They have no sense of themselves. They usually sublimate their identity to whothey are with at that particular moment or period . The intelligent, mature, and self-assured man views the insecure woman as an albatross and no right thinking man wants an albatross to drag him down.

Insecure women typically have very low to no self-esteem. They do not deem themselves worthy. They believe that they are subordinate to everything and everyone else. They further contend that nothing they do are of value. They often project their worthlessness unto their relationships and in other spheres in their lives.

Insecure women are often extremely dependent They need a stronger, more dominant person for support whether it is financial and/or emotional. They are risk aversive and are deeply afraid to use their own initiative and venture out to curve their own identities. Even though a few insecure women work, it is often at jobs that are not high powered. They are more comfortable in roles as followers than as leaders. They do not have the self-confidence required to be leaders of any kind.

Insecure women often come from backgrounds which women are inundated to be passive and subordinate partners. They are taught that "feminine women" and "nice girls" do not display aggressive tendencies. They are further taught to be neither to be independent nor assertive because "men will be threatened by this." They are taught that girls should be as dismissive as possible.

They are further taught not to have a sense of self and that others, especially men, are more important than they are. They are also inundated as not to express their opinions but to agree with the majority consensus whether is family, racial/ethnic, socioeconomic, and/or religious culture. In other words, they are taught to be conforming nice girls who do not rock the boat.

Many insecure women come from authoritarian households where they were taught to be obedient and not to question authority. Studies show that children raised in authoritarian homes are not taught to be self-assertive and to express their own needs. They are taught to submit to the wishes and follow the dictum of the more dominant party, the parent. As a result, they usually have low self-esteem because they were taught that their opinions, needs, and desires were subordinate to that of the parent. They also are afraid to assert themselves and to take risks. They become passive recipients in life and feel worthless. These characteristics aptly describe the insecure woman.

There are other types of insecure women who are attention seekers and prima donnas. These women are more assertive than her quintessentially submissive counterpart. However, the attention seeker and prima donna are also insecure in their own way. They would resort to any means to have people adore them.

These women thrive on adulation and if they do not receive any type of attention, whether it is positive or negative, they become unhappy. There are some insecure women that can be classified as narcissists. They are attention addicts and believe that they must be the center of attention 24/7. They often exhibit exaggerated self-importance to mask their sense of worthlessness and believing themselves to be insignificant.

There is no such thing as being in an equal relationship with an insecure woman. The male in the relationship is always the dominant partner. He carries the majority of the weight and responsibility. The situation is even worse if a man is married and/or is in a committed relationship with such a person. He does almost everything as she feels that she is incapable or not suited to face the rigors of the world. This woman further believes that it is the man's job to handle the more undesirable aspects of life and to make things as easy as possible for her. She believes that she should worry "her pretty little head" over life's travails. She believes that she should be taken care of because she is the woman, the fragile gender.

However, there are some men who DO find insecure woman attractive. These men thrive on women being submissive and are often threatened by a more self-assured and independent woman. There are men who want to hold the reins in their relationships to say the least. They are very comfortable with women who are meek and dependent upon their very being. They believe that this type of woman is their ideal feminine woman and that the self-assured, independent woman is a dominating and castrating !#%$&*%$! In other words, an insecure woman is perceived to be more easily dominated than a strong, self-assured, independent woman who would tell this type of man to &*%$#@ off.

In summation, the intelligent, self-confident, and mature men wants a woman who is self-sufficient financially and emotionally. He wants a woman who can equally spar with him and do not suffer fools gladly. With an independent woman, a man is not shouldered with the most responsibilities. He has a woman to share his life with, not a frightened little girl who constantly needs self-assurance.

Yes, there are some men who want an insecure woman that he can dominate. However, many of these men have deep psychological issues with the more self-assured and independent woman. This man would rather have a frightened little girl who strokes his ego than a more self-assured and independent woman who would not tolerate none of the nonsense. However, such men are becoming rarities these days. Let us give an resounding applause to the self-assured woman for she is here to stay!


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      David 4 years ago

      The author of this article really hit the mark (IMHO). Some of us really prefer their gals to have backbone, personality, spice, intelligence, wit and be able to spar on par.

      Those girls who are crippled with insecurity and self-esteem issues are often very nice people in many ways - but their constant hang-ups and manufactured-out-of-nowhere jealousies can be extremely frustrating to the point of relationship destruction.

      I really dug the point(s) this author was driving home - they sure hit found the bullseye on this end. Thank you for nailing it.

    • AmandaJon profile image

      Amanda Jones 4 years ago

      I think there are people to any taste, everyone is unique and looking for his/her unique half. Insecure women can be as happy as everyone else, we can't judge them, they are just different.

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      lovedoctor926 4 years ago

      Your welcomed:)

    • gmwilliams profile image

      Grace Marguerite Williams 4 years ago from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York

      Thank you so much for your response.

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      lovedoctor926 4 years ago

      Excellent and well-put hub.. I was actually thinking of writing an article on this topic since it's so prevalent in today's society. Men are definitely attracted to strong minded women, with goals, passions other than him. thank you for sharing. voted up+++ & sharing

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      Gaur 4 years ago

      Good feature. You have just said what I have observed in my personal life. Men don't need lonely, desperate, single women - we have all seen the bitches, the whiners and plain doormats. Men want good beautiful women. A man can easily tell the difference between a needy, desperate horrible woman and a good , beautiful confident woman who doesn't threaten him or torture him for his love. Men run away from needy desperate women always and chase the confident woman

    • gmwilliams profile image

      Grace Marguerite Williams 5 years ago from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York

      You are quite welcome indeed.

    • Stina Caxe profile image

      Cristina 5 years ago from Virginia

      I think this article contains some pretty valid insights. I see myself as confident in some ares while being insecure in others. When it comes to relationships, I do have insecurities that have been brought on by pat experiences. It does make it very hard to maintain a healthy relationship when you are constantly troubled by insecurities. I often feel sorry for my boyfriend for having to deal with me when I am feeling insecure and in need of a little encouragement. I am just lucky he is wonderful and understanding.

      Dominant men in my past have definitely used my weakened emotional state as a way to try to control me. These relationships have all failed for a reason. There is definitely a psychology behind states of insecurity. You brought up narcissism for instance. Typically, somebody who exhibits this is suffering from lack of parental approval. I finally decided it would be best to try work on some of my insecurity issues in therapy because I am often angry at myself for the way I let people treat me and I know that it has a lot to do with my own insecurities.

      In my opinion, your article isn't meant to put down women who are insecure. Perhaps the title leads people to think that if you are insecure no man is going to want you. In reality I think that for someone who is insecure, facing their problem is the first step to developing more confidence which will lead to a healthier relationship with a man.

      I think you did a great job with this and I appreciate your shared knowledge.

    • Ruby H Rose profile image

      Maree Michael Martin 5 years ago from Northwest Washington on an Island

      Standing up for a point of view, it takes trust and faith to put out our own two cents worth. Great subject for debate. Confidence comes in all shapes and sizes. Thanks.

    • Cassandra Goduti profile image

      Cassandra Goduti 5 years ago from Guilford, Connecticut

      Being able to be Insecure and vulnerable can be strengths and things that men admire. Usually if a woman is too power hungry or too successful it can be a turn off for some men.

    • Claudia Tello profile image

      Claudia Tello 5 years ago from Mexico

      You are writing about an all-black or white scenario which will almost never be the case. Nobody is 100% self-assured nor 100% insecure. Almost every single women, or to be more accurate, every single person I know has at least one area in which he/she feels insecure. This means that every one of us, if we are willing to interact with other human beings, must know how to deal, understand, overcome and/or tolerate others’ insecurities.

    • greencha profile image

      greencha 5 years ago from UK

      from the greatest city in the world Liverpool-your welcome gm regards

    • gmwilliams profile image

      Grace Marguerite Williams 5 years ago from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York

      Thank you for your response, Greencha.

    • greencha profile image

      greencha 5 years ago from UK

      Hello again, Its very coincidental ,but as I re-read your hob page about

      Secure,independent, confident women-a film has just started on UK television (channel 4)-called The Iron Lady-starring Meryl Streep.It seems very interesting insight to our ex-PM Margeret Thatcher--and her life. I think you may find it interesting... Regards greencha

    • gmwilliams profile image

      Grace Marguerite Williams 5 years ago from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York

      Thank you for your response, Greencha, and have a Blessed day.

    • greencha profile image

      greencha 5 years ago from UK

      You look absolutely fine to me and very secure. Interesting article.Maybe you could also do an article about what a woman likes best in a man.

      Best wishes Greencha

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      Jade 5 years ago

      I don't like your point of view, for two reasons. First, you're actually judging insecure people without even trying to understand how they do feel - that's not a fair, nor human, perspective.

      Secondly, you just seem way, WAY more insecure than.. insecure people themselves: because it sounds like you're desperately trying to acknowledge that unless you get more, more and MORE self-confident, you'll perish. And that's not what I call "living peacefully" - it seems like you've been hurt and have barely recollected yourself.

      I didn't mean to be rude, but I exactly used your same tones. Best wishes to you.

    • mav04 profile image

      mav04 5 years ago

      I agree with Frog Talk. It sounds like ranting. I can understand that opinion in one way. However, if you look at the INFP personality-it describes a lot of what you are saying. I feel that it describes me in a lot of ways except I'm the bread winner in this relationship, and owned my own business. I feel like I'm just a more sensitive person than most and in touch with other's feelings. I would want a man to appreciate that about me & love me for who I am not what I'm not. Just like a man wants a woman to love him for who he is. I'm a person that likes romance, and harmony. It's who I am and proud of it.

    • gmwilliams profile image

      Grace Marguerite Williams 6 years ago from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York

      To feenix: Thank you for stopping by and you comments.

    • feenix profile image

      feenix 6 years ago

      Hello, gm,

      Quite frankly, I am not on the same wavelength with you on this one. I am drawn to any woman who "rings my bell." Furthermore, a woman doesn't have to be a star to be in my show.

      During my many years of life, I have fallen for all kinds of women, including pretty ones, not-so-pretty ones, slender ones, not-so-slender ones, smart ones, not-so-smart ones, and secure ones and not-so-secure ones.

      Also, based on your logic, I would hardly ever have any female companionship and that is because I have a whole lot of insecurities myself.

    • DimitriLive profile image

      DimitriLive 6 years ago from Dallas, Texas

      Thank you! And I totally agree with you. There are those, who by no fault of their own, were never given the tools for Self Confidence....I know, that's another hub. Thanks for your work.

    • gmwilliams profile image

      Grace Marguerite Williams 6 years ago from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York

      To DmitriLive: Thank you for your comments and stopping by. I was speaking about the all around insecure woman. All of us have insecurities to a degree but it does not immobilize us. I am talking about people who are so insecure that they have little or no self-confidence at all. These people are always seeking approvals from others. They have no self-regard which means that they can be easily preyed upon.

    • DimitriLive profile image

      DimitriLive 6 years ago from Dallas, Texas

      Are we talking an "all-around" insecure woman? Because it is my belief that we all experience insecurity in some form at one time or another. And to this point, I would not say that there is no "backbone" present or the woman is a "doormat", i.e. I may be insecure with my weight or lack of education or the sort, but that does not mean that I am going to lay down and allow someone to walk all over me unless I am just [hopelessly] insecure from head to toe.

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      ruffridyer 6 years ago from Dayton, ohio

      Some men do want insecure women. Men who are insecure themselves, men who are bullies, beaters and dominering jerks. Some men, Not good honest healthy, well Real men.

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      Arlene V. Poma 6 years ago

      Hello, Grace. Good to see you on HubPages with your usual strong self. I do enjoy reading your POV anytime. Voted up, useful, interesting and AWESOME. No, I am not "concerned" about you at all!!! Why should I be? I'm no insecure woman, either. Nor do I hang out with them. Keep writing!

    • frogtalk profile image

      frogtalk 6 years ago

      I think you need to be careful with the way you speak about people. Insecure people have value as well as the secure people. We need to help them along. You sound very arrogant in your speech, and this concerns me.