- Gender and Relationships»
- Advice & Tips for Women in Relationships
Insecurity or a Lack of Self-Esteem
Insecurity is a major problem in many relationships today due to many reasons. You may have been cheated on, dumped or lied to in the past and the hurt that came along with it so devastating that you simply refuse to or can’t get past it. Your past compels you to build up walls, and not let anyone in so easily, but think about the person you are now with, they weren’t there when you suffered such heart break, and most importantly they are not to blame.
With that in mind think back. Did you do anything to cause the break-up or was it something that evidently would’ve happened yet you chose to ignore it because you hoped for the best? If you were cheated on then the person isn’t worth you holding back and letting someone else in that will be willing to give you the monogamous relationship you seek. If they lied, and lied constantly then they never deserved your trust and if you were just dumped for no reason whatsoever than that’s simply on them.
No one else should be penalized for your past, but a lot of us can’t simply let go, and so yes their future relationships will be doomed because of it. Case in point, an old acquaintance of mine, who I once called a friend, had a serious issue with trust because she was played by her daughter’s father. The woman just couldn’t obtain or keep a relationship thereafter because she questioned every move they made. If they were late arriving home she would outright reprimand them as soon as they walked thru the door.
Within the short amount of time I knew her, her then boyfriend and her had broken up twice and completely separated prior to my husband and I getting married. Although she appeared to be happy for me and my husband the fact he asked me to marry him eight months after being together annoyed her and so upon her and her man having a conversation she gave him an ultimatum and used my relationship as an example. “They’ve only been together eight months and he already asked her to marry him, yet we’ve been together for three years and you haven’t,” she said. Well you can guess where this conversation led, they broke up “again” and then a few months later he caved in and proposed.
They were then married a year and twenty days from the day of my wedding. Was it a happy marriage, I think not for only months after it was apparent he only married her to shut her up? It really pains me to write this, but like I said she was once a friend and basically I was placed in the middle of her insecurity issues and blamed for something I never let happen to begin with. You see a group of co-workers had always managed a girls night out once a month and one of those evening’s she decided to bring her new husband along with us. Are red flags coming up? Well they should because what happened next was to me so incredibly awkward and subsequently ended the friendship I assumed once would be a lifetime friendship.
The Mighty Green Giant
Insecurity and lack of self-esteem caused this woman to accuse me of letting her husband kiss me on the lips. First of all, remember I was happily married. My husband who I adored was at home with our eight month old son, and I basically made myself scarce and avoided them the entire evening to prevent something like this from happening to no avail. During our dinner conversation it was discovered that her new husband had a thing for dark women. His first wife was black and the looks he shot my way was enough to tell me the evening wouldn’t end well if I chose to stay around them. After dinner she asked if she and he could join us anyway, and since we were all used to her being with us we all agreed. My making myself scarce once we reached the night club wasn’t enough though. Other than making me uncomfortable during dinner, the man also was a recovering alcoholic who apparently fell off the wagon that evening and she simply couldn’t control him anymore.
Towards the end of the night I bumped into them at the bar and he was already slurring his words. When I asked her if he was okay, she said yes and also stressed that they would be leaving soon and offered me a ride back home, to which I rejected because like I said I was already getting a bad vibe from not only him but her as well. We then said our good byes and as she turned around to say good night to one of the other girls he turned to me placed his arm around my shoulder which prevented her from getting a clearer view and she assumed he kissed me on the lips. This of course, I found out when we returned to work on Monday and I noticed she was no longer speaking to me.
Breaks, lunches and meetings we were always together so that afternoon I bluntly asked if anything was wrong and she said no. Since I considered her a friend I asked why and she said. “If I ask you something will you be completely honest with me?” “Of course,” I replied never guessing what was coming next. “Did you let my husband kiss you on the lips that evening?” she asked and carefully focused on my reaction. “Hell no, if that ever took place you would’ve been the first to know,” I replied. “Do you swear on your son?” she asked. Now normally I wouldn’t do this no matter what, but I had nothing to lose and so I said, “Yes I do.” With that said and done I thought she would place the blame where it belonged. Her for being insecure enough to think I would ever allow such a thing to happen and him for obviously giving her reason to believe it did since he couldn’t remember much anyway.
You see the man, never kissed me but he did whisper in my ear, “I always loved black women,” to which I replied “that may be true but you have a good wife.” That was all that truly transpired between us, and so I have no guilt over it. The only thing I regret however, is telling my other friends what he told me and not her. My reason for that was totally innocent for I didn’t want to hurt her. She obviously had issues and I of course didn’t want to add on to them, but she chose to ignore our friendship and believed what she wanted. What bothers me most about this is the fact she believed I was to blame or that I somehow led him on which wasn’t the case.
Friends to me are like sisters. Therefore, to me men are off limits if they at one point either, talked with them, went out with them or dated them. I cannot nor ever will see myself with someone who once dated my sisters and so with friends I implement the same criteria. It doesn’t matter if you were together ages ago; you still were, so therefore there is no way I will ever allow myself to even consider the idea. The true friends that know me know how loyal I am and so losing one because she had such little self-esteem and suffers due to insecurity issues doesn’t phase me, but it still doesn’t stop me from wishing her the very best and hoping she finds someone who will be able to give her everything she was lacking. True love, commitment, faithfulness and most of all respect.