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Intimacy And Marriage

Updated on October 12, 2011

Intimacy And Marriage

Is intimacy in marriage sex? Sex is a natural human instinct and should be natural and human. Shouldn’t it?

If so…

  • Why is sexual intimacy so hard?
  • What is normal and natural when it comes to sex within marriage?
  • Is there a different expectation of sexual fulfillment when a couple becomes married?

In every culture, in every age, in every marriage, sex is a motivational factor. Authors write about it, Song writers sign about it; Married couples fight about it; Lovers crave it. Perverts abuse it. Individuals dream about it.

  • Men give love and commitment in order to get physical affection and sex.

Women give physical affection and sex in order to get commitment and love

  • Men typically hunger for sex

Women hunger for romance.

  • Men initially give and receive love to fulfill their physical needs,

Women initially give and receive love to fulfill their emotional needs.

Women need to feel loved and nurtured before they begin to be aroused and develop desire for sexual intimacy. For women, emotional intimacy is at least as important as the act of sexual intercourse.

Men often need to be sexually aroused before they can truly feel and express love. It’s through sexual activity that men are emotionally and physically fulfilled. Sexual activity often enables men to become aware of their wives’ need for love and emotional support.

(The quality of this vedio becomes better when you click on it.  It really is worth listening to.)

Tale of Two Brains By Mark Gungor

Maybe You Have Been Taught

Maybe you have been taught in one way or another that:

  • The male sex drive was created to perpetuate the race.
  • Without the male sex drive the human race would not survive.
  • Women don’t like sex.
  • Women are for the enjoyment of men.
  • Playing with yourself, (masturbation) is one way of appeasing the natural appetites of the body and is non destructive, even good for, marriage.
  • We were all conceived in sin and all mortality is in a state of natural corruption before God.

Althought there may be an element of truth, These Are All Falsehoods.

The 'natural' man and woman do have 'natural' sexual desires. Neither they, nor their desires are evil. Indeed, our sexual desires are at the very root of who we are. Why do you suppose that being homosexual is such a hot and emotional issue?

Personal Sexual Gratification

Personal sexual gratification can be achieved by various means, so why the importance of marriage? I mean, the animal kingdom very seldom shows evidence of ‘marriage’ among the beasts? Is sexual behavior so different among us Homosyapians?

I believe outside marriage, sexual pleasure replaces sexual intimacy.

Out of marriage, sex doesn’t carry the same expectation, and the hormonal appetite is appeased. But like an illicit drug, or the average animal, when indulged for pure pleasure alone, the craving becomes hard to satisfy.

Human hormones alone do create a euphoric sense of gratification within the individual, but sexual pleasure can become an uncontrollable appetite and most often only hits upon frustration and disappointment within marriage.

Why is this?

My intention is not to define marriage, but to explore intimacy in a marriage relationship. Hopefully it will help us better define ourselves…who we are; what we are; why we are the way we are.

In every culture, in every age, in every marriage, sex is a motivational factor.

Authors write about it;

Song writers sign about it;

Married couples fight about it.

Lovers crave it.

Perverts abuse it.

Individuals dream about it.

Experts tell us that everyone wants/needs to be loved, to feel understood, to be valued.

Medical professionals explain sexual needs/desires as byproducts of hormones.

Researchers of sociology say sex is for the perpetuation of the human race.

There is more to sexual intimacy than meets the eye. I tend to become a little sterile when discussing such intimate matters in an effort to distance myself from the debate, so bear with me.

The Answer Lies Here

Humans have greater needs than simply satisfying an urge, scratching an itch, perpetuating the race.

It is when lovers understand the own emotional needs AND their partner's, and learns how to satisfy them, that true fulfilling intimacy is achieved, including physical intimacy. Without this basic understanding intimacy becomes difficult and frustrating

My advice? Spend time to understand yourself. Be honest with yourself. Until you understand yourself, no one else will. AND...Don't Trust The Media (TV and movies).

It is not by our good looks and sexy bodies that good, solid, intimate relations are achieved. Remember, the movies are made to fulfill our fantasies. If you want to see what men's fantasies are, watch action movies. If you want to know what women dream about, watch chck flicks.

  • Women in action movies are lean, mean, sexy, beautiful, bold, strong, and act like men...ready to jump into bed, (or 'do it' on the spot) even amid bombs, shootings, and fist fights.
  • Men in chick flicks are not necessarily handsome, fit, or smart, --some are, but not always. They are sensitive, kind, caring, truthful, ...willing to put her needs above their own, maybe even a little vulnerable, ... not sexually grabby,, groping or aggressive.

For men, they like a women who keep their emotions to themselves. For women, they like a man who is not afraid to be understanding.

Full Dimensions of Intimacy

In order to understand the full spectrum for achieving fulfillment in marriage, sexual intimacy is only one aspect. Some say you can live without it.

I believe it is true, and I believe it is not true.

The ideal marriage would be a safe haven of total acceptance and love; A place where self-worth, respect and self-respect abides. ...Not a one sided place where one partner is gratified at the expense of the other. The elements necessary for the ideal marriage begins long before the marriage vows.

First, you have to have a love for one-self. Without self-love, you cannot accept respect and admiration from another. If you have not developed this love before you enter a relationship, you will need to develop it after, or your marriage relationship will falter.

No one can make you happy with yourself, except yourself. If you rely on the opinion of another for your worth as a person and individual, you will ever live insecure. It is called co-dependence.

In the words of Steven Covey, learn to first be independent, and then chose to be inter-dependant with another. If you can achieve this, you will be able to share personal emotional feelings, to trust another and find safety and security which will enhance the beauty and expression of hormonal sex. (7 Habits Of Highly Effective People)

I really like Robert F. Stahmann's, Intimacy In Marriage. He lists eight area that attribute to intimacy. I agree with all of them.

Don’t underestimate affection in marriage. Marriage has a deep dimension where spouses need to nurture and support each other emotionally and physically.

Being 'aware of' and 'willing to' meet the non-sexual needs of the other has a very powerful sexual affect. Doing the kind thing will go a long way to enhance sexual desires in both you and your spouse. Notice next time how doing something nice brings out sexual desires.

Compationate caring feelings do bring about feel good feelings which often are associated with sexual feelings. This is why we need to be careful when meeting the needs of friends and neighbors. It can lead to sexual encounters you will be sorry for later. When meeting the needs of someone other than your spouse, it is wise you do it together. That puts you and your spouse on the same side, and strengthens the bonds between spouses instead of falsely establishing a physical attraction to another that you probably would regret later.

Understanding For The Sexes

Men, you need to realize that for a woman, in the language of Gungor, every 'Box' is connected. That is why when your wife sees the 'man' shows, she thinks that is what you want. Someone hot sexy and strong. When women try to give you that, they are not getting what they need. They need understanding. They need comfort. They can act, but they are not happy. Women's 'Sex Box' has many connectors running to many other 'boxes'. Women are complicated and individual.

Women, you need to realize that some men, not all but some, don't need to talk. Some doen't even want to talk. Talking doesn't make things better for them. Sometimes talking makes things worse. But, some men do like to talk, to share and to dream. Learn to know your man.

Men need sex. There are men when (IF) they watch a chick flick, don't seen anything that relates to them at all. Their 'Sex Box' doesn't contain anything but Chick flicks are ridiculous. But, some men like chick flicks. Men are complicated and individual.

When it comes to intimacy and marriage, you need to understand the difference of men's brains and women's brains.

Women can give sex, but without affection and understanding, sex is empty.

Men can get sex, but without affection and understanding, sex becomes empty... and they have no idea why.

In Conclusion

At the core of married life is intimacy.

Sexual intimacy can not replace emotional intimacy. And you can not achieve one without the other.

If all you want is hormonal satisfaction, stay single.

It is true, you don't need commitment to sooth your hormones. But be aware: your hormones might leave you empty and come to own you.

With commitment, you can find lasting satisfaction and a depth of love that will endure through eternity.

I highly recommend Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage DVD Set with Mark Gungor. It sells for $59.00 from his website, but I noticed Amazon has it for $40.00. I don't know if there is a difference in the two. I recommend you get the DVD instead of the book, because Gungor's presentation is sooooooooo funny. I am recommending it because I truly believe it will help you in your marriage.

Part of the DVD set is: The #1 Key to Incredible Sex (session 1- 39 min, session 2- 35 min) 5 steps couples need to know to experience incredible, mind blowing, married sex.- this is it...the "yo mama" session you've been waiting for.

(Mark Gungor is one of the most sought-out speakers on love and marriage. He explores the underlying dynamics of male/female relationships and practical solutions to common relationship woes.)

P.S. (In recognition of our comments, I agree with you 100%:)

You GottaWanna.


Commitment to each other.... Commitment to yourself.... and Commitment to Your Marriage.

I Wish You The Very Best In Your Marriage.

As you learn to understand youreself, don't forget to take it a step further. Put forth the effort to understand your spouse and their needs.

For true intimacy in marriage, ...It Take Two.


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    • HealthyHanna profile image

      HealthyHanna 5 years ago from Utah

      Thanks so much for stopping by. I appreciate the comment.

    • lifehealpraise profile image

      lifehealpraise 5 years ago from South Florida

      I loved this - thank you! Great advice and guidance...

    • HealthyHanna profile image

      HealthyHanna 6 years ago from Utah

      Ok, I added commitment to the blog. You are all completely right. Commitment comes before anything else.

      In today's world, with marriage being defined as so many things, I am trying to show that without commitment...without marriage..., intimacy is near impossible. If you want to be happy, fulfilled, you will make a commitment. Everyone wants to belong to someone or something bigger than themselves. Happiness comes from making someone else happy. But just because you make the commitment doesn't mean you will be happy, content and fulfilled.

      Any relationship, married or not, homosexual or heterosexual, polygamist or monogamist needs commitment. Sex breads emptiness in my opinion. And many think marriage is the way to 'get all the sex they want'. Or that marriage itself will bring happiness.

      Not so. If either is your attitude, you will be left disillusioned.

      Thanks so much for your comments. I really appreciate them. I love this HubPage community. Mostly, I think we have the same values.

    • ajayshah2005 profile image

      ajayshah2005 6 years ago from Mid Asia

      Nice hub and also very very informative!

    • profile image

      Ruby 6 years ago

      Good Hub.Quite interesting as well.Strong commitment is essential for making a good marriage.Thanks for sharing :)


    • HealthyHanna profile image

      HealthyHanna 6 years ago from Utah

      Yes it does, Interested Party.

      Thanks for commenting.

    • profile image

      Interested party 6 years ago

      This is useful information. It takes a lot of work and commitment to keep a marriage strong.