- Gender and Relationships
Is He Going to Marry You?
I am the divorced mother of five kids. One is married, the
others at home. One is half way through college, two in high school,
one in elementary school. I got divorced due to an abusive
relationship. I was emotionally divorced for 15 yrs.
Anyway, I finally go out, but it was not easy. I lost most of my friends, support, etc. It has been 4.5 yrs since I filed for the CPO and I have completed a bachelors degree and have a job at a university.
I began dating my bf about 1.5 yrs ago...but more steadily for a year. He has been married three times....in two instances the women cheated on him and in one, he cheated on them since they got pregnant (stopped taking the pill with out notifying him) to trap him into staying with them. Anyway, he has a great big wall built up around him. We started out as 'friends' because bf/gf causes friction. I played along and try to keep things light. He has never told me that he loves me, but his actions say it loud and clear. He says he will never marry again because he does not want to lose his assets again (he lost 30 mil last marriage). He says we are in a committed relationship, but that he really never wants to marry again because he wants to build another paid for house. Up until last fall, he was just existing....now he is living. He calls it money mode because he is happy and wants to make a lot of money again. As a female, I assume that saying he is happy and being in money mode means that he is considering commitment via marriage, but I don't know. I ask why he wants to continue in the relationship and he says it is because I am a really good friend and he enjoys spending time with me. He says that he doe s not want to ruin things. He is very aware that I want to be married because I am not so young anymore. I would think that after a year that one would know something. When we talk about the m word, he says that marriage with kids is very sticky and almost never works. He gets along with my kids and I with his, but should I keep on in such a relationship. Is it causing me to miss opportunities with others if he is not ever going to marry? I don't do the 'live in' thing. Please help.
He isn't going to marry you.
He's not saying or doing anything that says marriage, or future, or anything. Even saying to you that you're a good "friend" is a very clear indicator that he isn't in a romantic headspace with you.
It sounds like you've been through a shitstorm with your ex. Raising 5 kids on your own is a huge accomplishment. I can imagine the trust issues you might have after such a marriage, and having to keep your sanity for the sake of the kids.
I'm wondering if on some level, you aren't ready to trust and marry again, so you're remaining involved with someone who serves no threat. Kind of like self-sabotage. You want to be ready, and part of you is, but you're just really not ready, so you're involved with someone who isn't going to marry you. That way you get to say to yourself that it's him, not you.
I think the fact that you are now questioning it all shows that you are moving closer to being ready. Not surface-ready, but really-ready. Deep-down-ready.
When you really are truly ready, you'll see him clearly. You'll realize the signs he's giving you, the clear indications that he isn't going where you are, and you'll move on. And it will be your decision. And it will be wonderfully powerful.
Best to you.
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