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Is Her BF Using Her To Attract Other Women? - Relationship Advice

Updated on July 26, 2010

Hub Request

I have a question ? I think my boyfriend is using me to get to other women what are warning...

signs? We have been together for 4years and he always look's at other women when we are together but he ask me to bring his lunch to work aand thyen he stare's contactly at other's should i be worried occoarse he denies it he's white and i'm black we are 20years apart

- cristal5

Dear cristal5,

4 years is a pretty long time for the two of you to be together. This isn't a fleeting little romance, this is a relationship. 

The fact that there is a 20 year age difference, and the fact that you're black and he's white may of course play a part in things, but not necessarily. Your information was short, but nothing suggested race is an issue, and nothing suggested the ages are an issue. The only issue you share at all is that he looks at other girls. 

Honestly with the little bit you've shared, this could go either way. His looking at other girls could be taken as quite offensive and creepy. But lets look at the other possibility.

When people ask me for advice they usually leave out certain pieces of information if for no other reason than for space. They can't tell me every detail of the past 4 years so they pick and choose the pieces they feel are significant. 

If they are putting their partner in the hot seat, they may neglect to share that he's very generous, patient, a good listener, alot of fun... but they never neglect to mention that he cheated, or lied, or has a suspicious amount of women's underwear in the trunk of his car.

You said he looks at other women. He does it in front of you at lunch where he's invited you to be. I can't be sure, but I think if there's more to this, you would have mentioned it. You're not saying he's got a history of cheating, or that he's hit you, or that he's looking at women even younger than you are, or that he's checking out white women... just that he looks. At women. In front of you.

This in and of itself isn't the be all end all of infractions. The essence of it could be. If he is aware that you are uncomfortable with it, and continues to do it, then it goes to respect and trust. And that's another thing. You didn't actually say it upsets you. You've more just relayed that you're wondering what's up with this, and is it something that you should be worried about. Is it something that should flag a problem. 

If he isn't aware that it's bothering you, and he's just doing it, it may be that he's just looking. Just checking out the talent. And he's not even sneaking to do it. It's almost as if he's comfortable enough with you as a friend to do it right in front of you, because he doesn't realize it's not OK with you.

Of course this is only one possibility. Another is that you're asking this question because you have real reason to suspect he uses you to attract other women, but you've picked the wrong supporting evidence of that in your hub request. 

People look for all kinds of reasons. He could be getting off on the idea that you're so hot and how that reflects on him, and these women might think "Wow look at how great that guy is, he landed that really hot girl." He may just be easily distracted. He may find it erotic to flirt and stare, but in the end he just wants you to see that he's desirable. Maybe he has something to prove, or he thinks that he does.

If you decide you are bothered by his staring at other girls, you need to talk to him about it. The most affective way would probably be in a non-accusing tone, and ask him what's going on with that. 

If you decide there is more going on that you haven't shared, please feel free to comment. I'd be happy to dialogue here with you about it.

Best to you. 


Submit a Comment

  • Veronica profile image

    Veronica 7 years ago from NY


    Wow. Thank you very much. That's a very nice comment to read. :D

  • profile image

    7 years ago

    A few other people answered this hub request even though it was directed at you V. Now I see why it was directed at you. You really read into this and gave such sound insight. The others just spew meaningless stuff off the tops of their heads without trying. I have a problem with people giving advice when they don't do a good job of it. I rarely give good comments on advice columns and articles. But you really blow me away. You're really good at this.

  • Veronica profile image

    Veronica 7 years ago from NY

    Good news, cristal5. I'm glad you think everything is ok. Thanks again for the hub request.

  • profile image

    cristal5 7 years ago

    thank you solve it perfectly . I am reading to much into the realationship