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Is Your Significant Other Having An Emotional Affair

Updated on October 23, 2011

Starting Of An Emotional Affair-An Example

You normally wouldnt do something like check your wifes cell phone while she was in the shower but some things of late has you a little worried or suspicious. It seems the phone is buzzing and vibrating with text messages at weird times of the day and night.

You know its possible it could be something related to work but it just seems that if things were going to be that busy and weird at work your wife would have told you. So against your better judgement you start looking through the phone and you see one name that appears over and over. You then read some of the messages and quickly realize that this has nothing to do with work.

Of course you know you have to confront her whether you like it or not. When you finally do ask her about it the first thing she comes back with is asking you why you are going through her phone. Finally she breaks down and says its just someone to talk to, its some one who listens. She swears to you that there is no physical activity happening. You know better just by the messages you read.

An Emotional Affair-Reactions

Of course you wouldnt be the first spouse to want to check their partners messages.  It doesnt always have to be texts but it could be messages, emails or even an answering machine.  With technology the way it is today checking messages has become much easier.  Easier doesnt always make things right but sometimes its what you have to do.

Of course things are going to go weird when you find out your spouse has been having any sort of a relationship with someone else.  Of course we are talking a relationship that has to deal with intimacy.  You will no doubt end up going through some mixed reactions as this goes on.

1.     You may feel guilty at first for breaking your spouses trust by snooping through their personal phone calls or email accounts.

2.     Of course you are going to feel very sad when you realize your partner is connected to someone else.

3.     Of course anger becomes an issue because your partner is putting effort into a relationship when it is now clear that your relationship could have done with some effort.

4.     Of course an emotional affair now has neglect because the opposite partner seems to only care about things like a grocery list, kids and the shadow partner.

5.     Now, of course you will go into defensive mode because not only are you discovering things you never thought possible but now your spouse is trying to turn things around on you because you went snooping in what they think is there private business.

The problem when talking to couples where one person spends way too much energy with someone else is that you can almost never move forward without serious conflict.  The problem is no matter how small extra marital affairs will always cause problems.

An Emotional Affair-Cross Over

So what do we need to call things?

If your spouse has been engaged in a real relationship with someone chances are it has turned into an affair full of emotions.

Now the problem comes in is that your spouse is giving all to another relationship.  This means that even if they try the intimacy that should be reserved for your relationship just isnt there.  If you share fairly decent emotions with others it usually means you are developing something special with someone else.

Of course in almost all cases the person screwing around will argue for a long time.  They never want to admit to being caught.  They will stoop to any level including making you look like the bad person for not allowing them to have a friend of the opposite sex.

We know a marriage has been built on an connection between two people who have shared vows and made promises.  So when a partner goes outside the marriage for any sort of fulfillment I consider this cheating on the marriage that was supposed to be.

So many people struggle with what they are suspecting or what they think may be happening.  If in doubt there are a few things you need to be asking.

Have things been hidden or have you known everything going on.  Has your spouse been hiding or telling you about new text messages?  Does your spouse seem to be more comfortable with the other person as opposed to you.

Of course most cheaters understand what they are doing is wrong.  They go out of their way to lie because they know they are doing wrong.  Of course you will go looking for info and you will be accused of being a snoop.  Of course the spouse that is cheating will go on the defensive and accuse you of being unfair.  They will defend themselves by accusing you of being jeolous of a friend because they are of the opposite sex.

An Emotional Affair-The Other Person

Of course even with denial the big question is always , Do you think the relationship is or has been physical?  The only honest answer at first is no one really knows for sure.  Of course since so much effort was put into hiding the relationship we like to think we already know the answer whether we like it or not.

Of course there are really only two people who could truthfully answer whether the relationship has been taken to a sexual level.  What we almost forsure do have is a definate intimacy break down.  So we may as well put the focus on the things we do know.  You need to get your spouse to admit at least something to know you are moving in the right direction.  Maybe now the relationship can be worked on and just maybe there is a small chance the marriage can be saved.

The first thing we need to do is understand just how big the emotional connection is with the other partner.

No matter what we all need to understand something very important.  In no way, shape or form is there ever an excuse to cheat.

Of course we want to know why we got to this point.  Chances of a great clear answer isnt very good.  The biggest reason honestly is because the person doing the cheating made a very bad choice.  Even if the cheater for some reason thinks the marriage is on its way out its still unacceptable for the cheating to happen.

One thing you need to do right now is have a look at your own relationship.  Are there any weird signs that the relationship is or has been going the wrong way?

If you take a long hard, honest look at your relationship you have a great chance of fixing anything that needs fixing.  You can open with communication and get both of you working towards fixing things.  By having the communication you can figure out what has been going bad and start working on it before it gets too late.

Another thing in an emotional affair is understanding the different brands of communication.  Of course the first thing you think of when you hear the word communication is there is going to be a lot of talking.

What we all need to understand is that communication involves a lot more than just talking.  Of course talking is very important but nin verbal communication is also very important.  When you mix both forms you are dealing with something deeply important.

Sharing time like watching a movie, flirting or just writing a letter are all forms of non verbal communication.

Many times your partner went somewhere else to feel special so now you have to get back to the point of making your spouse feel special.  If you werent doing it then the time to do it properly is now.

If there is any chance of saving the marriage then the biggest key will be communication.  You may have to try different and new things but if theres any chance the forms of verbal and non verbal communication is goint to have to be brought to a new level.  There are going to be new things and things that havent been done in a long time.

If your communication has gotten to the point of no communication then you will need to start slowly.  Start by talking about small things like books you may be reading.Maybe talk about other people like the neighbors or the kids teachers.  Slowly you can start talking about how the two of you are going to work on the relationship.

The communication part may not just work immediately.  If the communication has been gone for a while it could take a bit to get things back.  You cant give up.  Even if your partner doesnt like it you must keep moving forward.

Bottom line is if you stand any chance of bringing the relationship back you will need to get the communication back.  Your partner had or is still in an affair but the both of you need to focus on moving forward in a positive manner.  This is an emotional affair that needs to be dealt with.

An Emotional Affair-There Is Help

When you find out your spouse may have been cheating on you it can be super devastating.

This is something you very well may not want to face alone but you also may not want to tell people close to you what is going on. check out my blog at After An Affair


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    • bingskee profile image


      7 years ago from Quezon City, Philippines

      honestly, i did look at the messages in my hubby's celphone several times. but it was not a habit. it was like seeing the phone left in the bedroom or somewhere else and i was tempted to 'take a look'. there was nothing to find ha ha

      kidding aside, it is not fair to put the blame on your spouse when s/he caught you in an emotional affair with someone in the celphone. there are other people who would listen but not involving an affair.

    • pmccray profile image


      7 years ago from Utah

      Sadly this is much needed advice. I personally don't go through by husband's belongings and he give me the same respect. I don't feel the need and from my life's experience if you look for trouble your bound to find it. But, I am in agreement with you this is still cheating on a significant other even if it is emotionally. Communication is the cornerstone of any relationship.

    • Dale Mazurek profile imageAUTHOR

      Dale Mazurek 

      7 years ago from Canada

      Im sure not all relationships can be saved but I also know with effort a lot of relationships can be saved.

      In your case I am absolutely sure you did what was right.


    • Hello, hello, profile image

      Hello, hello, 

      7 years ago from London, UK

      I can speak for myself that I totally trusted my ex-husband. Now looking back, I was blind to a lot of things. He had constantly affairs but since I wouldn't do it I was such an idealist I thought he wouldn't either. Then bingo it all blew up.

    • Dale Mazurek profile imageAUTHOR

      Dale Mazurek 

      7 years ago from Canada

      Your comments are always so great. I cant say I wouldnt go through my wifes things. I have no doubt she would ever put me in that position.

      Honesty has always been such an important part of our lives. Married almost 23 years and love here more and more each day.

      Thanks for stopping Lynda


    • lmmartin profile image


      7 years ago from Alberta and Florida

      It seems to me the idea of receiving all you need from one person for life may be unrealistic for many people. The marriage may still be the foundation of their lives, but not fulfilling. That's the conundrun. Personally, I would never go through my husbands personal things. I wouldn't want to know. If I've been overly involved with my own life and leaving him feeling lonely, then I should be prepared for him to seek attention elsewhere.

      Nothing amazes me more than when I see a couple blind to each other. One partner may have made it very clear something is missing for a long time. And still the other partner is amazed when another relationship comes into the picture. I wonder why.


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