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How to know if he or she is the right one for me

Updated on September 29, 2012

Ask people who have seemingly found their Mr or Mrs Right, how you too will know when you have met ‘the one’ and most people will tell you that “you just know”.  But what a frustrating answer because instantly your mind wants to know more, “How, how will I know?” and again they repeat “you just will”.

Try asking yourself the question the other way around

We tend to ask other people for the answers when really it’s inside of us all but we just don’t see it as clearly.

Have you ever tried to ask yourself the question but the other way round? So instead of asking “is this person is the one for me?” how about saying “how do I know that this person is not the one for me”?

Sometimes it’s easier to spot why you wouldn’t want to be with someone forever than it is to see why you would. If you come up with an enormous list of reason why you wouldn’t want to be with someone and the list is things that you don’t think could ever be resolved then it’s probably a sure sign that they might not be so Mr/ Mrs Right after all.

Can you imagine spending the rest of your life with them? Can you imagine spending the rest of your life without them?

What should you expect from ‘the one’?

If you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone then there are undoubtedly some serious questions that you should take into consideration.

Are they your friend?

If this person is ‘the one’, they should be like your best friend; after all you are going to spend the rest of your days with them, and in fact, you will probably spend more time with them than you ever would with your best friend. 

You should be able to talk to them about anything; the day out you had with friends, the pair of really nice jeans you saw, the awful day you had at the office and even the in-growing toe nails!  You should be able to say it all without feeling judged, embarrassed or uncomfortable. 

When they listen to you, do they listen with a genuine interest or do they look at you like they are listening just because they feel they have to?

Do you judge them?

It works both ways. If you are sat at the office party thinking ‘oh my gosh, they are making selves look life a complete idiot and embarrassing me to hell’, then you are judging them.

If you really love this person, then you should be thinking ‘wow, they have had a lot to drink but they are enjoying themselves and it’s good to see them happy’. If you truly love your partner then you would ideally accept them just the way they are and lean more towards thinking that you are happy to see your partner is happy. You would want to feel un-judged and they would to. This is where unconditional love comes into it. If you both have unconditional love, then you have real love.

That’s not to say that you won’t sometimes disapprove of something they have done, but what’s important is that you are able to communicate, compromise and work things out.

Do you both understand each others feeling?

Can you connect with each others feelings and respect them?  Does your partner know what to do when you are feeling down? Do they know to leave you alone for a bit if that’s what you need, can they tell when you just need a hug or do they come across insensitive and put you down even more for being miserable? 

If someone loves you, then they would always want to see you happy, they would want to know if they can help to make things better.  No good would ever come from someone who makes you feel worse.  Again that works for the both of you, do you know what to do when their upset? Are you both able to freely give each other a bit of space when you think one another needs it?

Growing old?

Can you imagine the both of you growing old together?  Are you imagining that you will both still be happy or does it all look a bit gloomy?  Would you still want to be treated the same way you are being treated by them now in 20, 30 or 40 years from now?  Do you wonder if you can change them or if they can change them selves?  As much as you may desperately want to change someone, you can’t, they have to do it for themselves.  So then you need to put your questions to the test, do you believe in them enough to believe they will change in their own time and for the better?  Are you able to put your differences aside?


I think it’s quite safe to say that marriage is naturally quite scary so it’s ok to feel nervous, but what are you most nervous about?  Can you see it bringing you both closer or are you more worried about how much the divorce will cost? Or that it will just give them more authority over you and that you won’t be able to cut the strings so easily? 

Of course, it’s all quite concerning but if you are considering marrying someone then you should feel comfortable knowing that the person would not be likely to ever hold such powers over you and that you are staying in the relationship because you want to.

Love Quotes

  • To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world - Brandi Snyder

  • Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry - Tom Mullen

  • The first duty of love is to listen - Paul Tillich

  • Love is not blind – it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less - Rabbi J. Gordon


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    • Victoria Stephens profile image

      Victoria Stephens 3 years ago from London

      Hi Toni,

      Thank you firstly for stopping by and having a read.

      Well done on getting out of your previous relationship as no one deserves to be taken for granted.

      I believe the best way to start every relationship is with a clean canvas or in other words, be sure that your old relationships wounds have healed so that you don't have to take them into your next relationship. That way you are free to love again without too much fear of being hurt. This can take time but I think only you will know when you are ready to start dating again.

      Take your time, get to know him well. If he also believes that you may be the one for him, then he will be happy to wait until you are 100% sure it's what you want.

      Best of

    • profile image

      Toni Rosanne 3 years ago from USA

      Hi Vic, there's this boy that I've been talking to for a few weeks and we have so much in common and we're always on the same page. he's everything I've been looking for despite his flaws that I see through. my feelings for him are stronger than Hulk on the Avengers. he's romantic, honest, intelligent, dependable, and real. he makes me smile every time I wake up and every time I go to sleep. if I could pick him as the person for me to love, I'd pick him a thousand times. unfortunately my last breakup was a bad one, it lasted 3 months but he was my first..... if you know what I mean. I had to get out of that relationship because I was being taken for granted and hurt too many times. I guess what I'm asking is, when do you know when it's the right time to start dating again, and if you THINK he's the one should you wait or go at it immediately!? keep in mind we've only been talking for three weeks, although I plan on talking more before I take my relationship status to another level. (highschool student 11th grade.... aka he could be the one I marry, if he turns out to be the right one) HELP!!!!

    • Victoria Stephens profile image

      Victoria Stephens 3 years ago from London

      Hi Michael,

      It sounds like the girl in question may have had quite a lot of disappointment in her past and is possibly afraid of getting hurt and wants to avoid getting too close too soon. I think you should try to give her what time she needs and see how things go from there. I'm sure she will introduce you to her parents when she feels more comfortable your relationship.

      Hope that helps, Good

    • profile image

      michael 4 years ago

      I just went out with this girl I've been talking to for months now and we had a great time and were holding hands several times.talking and getting to know each other personally and we went to eat afterwards and I took her home;I tried to kiss her before I took her home and she pushed me away;when I took her home her parents were there but she didn't introduce me to them.afterwards when I got home she text me to let her know when I got home safe.also she text me that she wants me in her life forever and right now just wants to be friends and wait until we get to know each other more;she also said everyone she knows tends to not to stay in her life very this a test for something more and what are your thought about this?

    • Victoria Stephens profile image

      Victoria Stephens 5 years ago from London

      Hi Andy,

      It sounds like your partner is being very honest with you about her feelings and she is probably telling you because she genuinely wants to help you to understand and to help her to fully get over her ex. I think it could be worth hanging on in there for a little while. Show her some support as best you can and see how things go.

      Best wishes and good luck.x

    • profile image

      Andy 5 years ago

      I'm in love with a girl whom I know very well just a few months ago. She always told me that she really is happy with me and miss me too as we start a relationship. But sometimes she acts so strange that I found her crying for her past lover and beg me to understand for her feelings. Is it a better idea to leave her or just accept the fate and keep going?

    • Victoria Stephens profile image

      Victoria Stephens 6 years ago from London

      Hi Sharon,

      When there's been some pain in the past it's quite natural for it all to spill out again every time there is an argument for a while. It's a way of saying 'well I haven't forgot that yet and I'm not fully over it'.

      It would be a good if you can both concentrate on healing old wounds and reassuring each other that trust can be built up again. It does take time, sometimes a lot of time but as the saying goes time is a great healer.

      As for treating you with disrespect and arguing in public, you should tell him how it makes you feel and that you would prefer it if you could keep your arguments in private. If this guy is genuinely a nice guy then he will try his best to respect your wishes. If he can't do that then it may well be time for you to re-evaluate if you really want to live your life this way for the rest of your life.

      Remember you have the right of happiness as well.

      My Best

    • profile image

      sharon 6 years ago

      So I have been dating this guy for 2 years. We have been trough alot. Things we went through caused us to not trust eachother fully. We still fight alot we bring the past in. I love him alot I just want things to change. But Am I wasting my time for things to change. He assures me that he always wants to be with me. I believe him but sometimes I dont. He really makes me mad sometimes. He disrespectful sometimes, argues in public. But he can also be very nice to me. So I dont know what to do. Should I be with him or no. Please Help

    • Victoria Stephens profile image

      Victoria Stephens 6 years ago from London

      Hi Annie,

      Marriage is a huge step and a scary one. Try to figure out what is making you wonder if you are ready or not. Is it because you're nervous about being married or does it go a bit deeper than that and you're not entirely sure yet if this person is defiantly the one you want to spend the rest of your life with?

      It's early days in your relationship so it won't hurt to delay the wedding a bit and prolong your engagement until you have figured things out a bit more. Consider talking to your partner about this if you can, they might actually be just as nervous as you.


    • profile image

      annie 6 years ago

      Hi Vic,I've been goin out wif dis guy for 2 nd half year and we really do love each other,he just proposed to me,but am scared,don't knw if am ready...

    • Victoria Stephens profile image

      Victoria Stephens 6 years ago from London

      Hi Rosa,

      Thank you for having a read and contacting me. Congratulations on making it two years with your partner and also on climbing the work ladder, you must have worked really hard to have made it to manager of two departments.

      I understand that you are starting to resent your partner but you should try to remain happy for him. Not everybody feels the need to climb the ladder at work and some people would prefer have less stress and simply be told what to do rather than being the one who has to do the telling. This may be your partners personality or it may be that he doesn't have the drive for this particular job and may eventually find it in another job that he does get excited bout. Also remember that often men do like to be the lead earner in a relationship so he may have just taken a dent to his pride as you have just excelled his position. Try to be supportive of his job wishes and you might just find your support kick starts his drive.

      Again it's not uncommon for men to not like spending time with a partners family so as long as he isn't stopping you from still spending lots of time them, then you may have to grim and bare this one. However, I would question more about why he doesn't want you to meet his parents, after two years of being with you he should be willing and wanting to show you off to them by now and I would be wondering about his commitment after this long, or if he thinks his family are so hideously embarrassing that he is afraid of what you may think of him. Try explaining to your partner that even though he doesn't feel it is important to him, it is to you and see what his response is.

      Good luck and I hope things work out well for you!xxx

    • profile image

      Rosa 6 years ago


      My boyfriend and I just celebrated 2 years. I'm 21 and he is 26. We both work at a grocery store , but where I have moved up in my job. ( I'm the manager of 2 departments) he is content with just being s bagged still. I think this is making me resent him. He has no drive. He also doesn't like to spend time with my family, whom I'm very close with. And I've never met his. He doesn't think it's important. He Is sweet otherwise. And he's never hurt me in any way. But I dont think it's going anywhere. Should I end it? - rosa

    • Victoria Stephens profile image

      Victoria Stephens 6 years ago from London

      Hello Jay Jay,

      Thank you for having a read and I'm sorry to hear about your dilemma but glad you have messaged me.

      There could be a couple of things going on here and a couple of things you can do to try and come up with some answers.

      It is possible that having been best friends and lovers for so long that you have grown extremely comfortable with this guy and you may have got caught up in the situation of being afraid of losing him as a friend if you ended it as lovers or you felt so close that the only way to take things any further was for you to make it an official relationship.

      If this is possibly the case then you have two options, you can either have a short break away from each other so that you have some clear thinking time to yourself to decide if he really is the one you want to spend your whole life with or you can attempt to spice things up a little more and see if it makes you feel connected again. This doesn't necessarily mean in the bedroom department, it could be a romantic meal or a nice holiday, just some good quality and fun time together.

      It could also be that you are madly in love with this person but have a fear of commitment. Moving in together or getting married is a huge commitment and is a scary process for anyone. It could be that you've been hurt in the past or just that you feel nervous. Dig deep within yourself and picture yourself with someone else, Mr. Perfect, Mr. Amazing or Mr Everything... Would you want to live him?

      If your first answer to that is yes, then it could be that your partner was only ever meant to be your best friend. If you said no then it is possibly just nerves getting the better of you.

      Take your time to think things over carefully and avoid saying yes until you 100% feel ready for it.

      I hope that helps you a bit. I wish you the best of

    • profile image

      Jay Jay 6 years ago

      Dear Victoria,

      I stumbled across your page when surfing the net and your words kinda got stuck with me. See, there's this guy I've been going out with. We've been best friends and something like lovers for about ten years now and I've always felt atracted to him. Now that we are together I'm not so sure anymore. I know he truly loves me and has probably ever done so but I can't picture us getting married or even moving in with each other. What's wrong with me? All these years I thought I loved him but now that he's close, I sometimes feel like I need to break free. I guess I should be more patient but my feelings are troubling me so much! How will I know when to say "yes" to us? Please help me out here. Thank you so much! Best wishes from Switzerland, Jay Jay

    • Victoria Stephens profile image

      Victoria Stephens 6 years ago from London

      Hi logan,

      I never doubted you anyway. Good luck with your girlfriend and winning the two families over.x

    • profile image

      logan 6 years ago

      Thank you for the advice and I was not planning on having sex with her until she is of legal age and is ready to do so.

    • Victoria Stephens profile image

      Victoria Stephens 6 years ago from London

      Hi Logan, thanks for having a read and leaving a comment.

      First of all I would say that you definitely shouldn't have sex with your girlfriend until she is of the appropriate legal age. My mother's famous saying in the past has always been "if you've done nothing wrong then you have nothing to worry about".

      Next up, your girlfriend knows her parents very well, so if she trusts them, then it's probably safe for you to trust them too. Get to know her family well and reassure them that you will look after their daughter and will wait to have sex until she is of the legal age and when she is good and ready.

      Lastly, keep letting your parents know that you want to be with this girl and that you are trying to work things out with her parents and that you are trying to get them to come around to the idea that you are a couple.

      If your girlfriend sleeps at your house or you sleep at her house, always be prepared to sleep on the sofa for the night or in separate rooms and let your girlfriend take the bed. This will reinforce the idea that you are prepared to wait and will do whatever it takes.


    • profile image

      Logan 6 years ago

      Ok my parents don't want me dating this girl because in a few months ill turn 18 but she will be 16 and they think her father will sue me for petifilism. Now I really do love this girl I can see myself marrying her one day and having kids with her we've even talked about it together. She says her father wont charge me for petifilism as long as we dont have sex. I do not trust her father but I completely trust her. Do you have any ideas on how to get my parents to accept that I want to be with this girl?

    • Victoria Stephens profile image

      Victoria Stephens 6 years ago from London

      Hi may,

      From what you are telling me, then it sounds like you should take things very slowly and see if things can improve between you both before you rush into getting married.

      Unless you have dramatically changed the way you dress now compared to when he first met you then it sounds like he he finding things to pick about. He met you dressing one particular way so he should still love you for that. You should always dress to how you feel comfortable.

      As for how you manage stuff and react to others, see if you can find a compromise. Example, maybe you could try to react differently and he could support you more in certain situations, or you could try to manage stuff a little differently if he could promise to help you with it.


    • profile image

      may 6 years ago

      hi im engagged to this person,all people&my parents love him,i think i love him too but not as much as the beginning,now imnt sure if he's the one for me,he doesnt like the way i manage stuff in life,he hated my style of clothing,the way i react with others,yet he says he loves me...

      i really need your advice,,


    • profile image

      Camo Girl!! 6 years ago

      i will not bring it to where he works.

    • Victoria Stephens profile image

      Victoria Stephens 6 years ago from London

      Hi Camo Girl, Good luck with this person. Be sure to keep your work life as separate from your love life as possible so things don't get too complicated.x

    • profile image

      Camo Girl!!! 6 years ago

      I Think I Love This Boy Because He Is All Ways On My Mind I Can Picture Us Getting married Some Day I Have Never Went On A Date With Him Yet We Talk And Text Sometimes I Will Be Getting A Job Where He Work At So I Hope We Start To Hang Out More!!!

    • Victoria Stephens profile image

      Victoria Stephens 6 years ago from London

      Hi ekam, you can try and hang on in there and see if she changes her mind. Maybe you could try and prove your love to the parents and they may in time also be happy to take you on. Good Luck.x

    • Victoria Stephens profile image

      Victoria Stephens 6 years ago from London

      Hi shruti,

      This is a really tough one for me because I am free to choose my own partner. I'm sure your family will want what is best for you but I also believe you have the right to be happy with your life. I can only advise that you follow your heart and do what you feel is the right decision.

      Best wishes.x

    • profile image

      ekam 6 years ago

      i have lover. i love so much her she also. but she dont marry me beccause of parents and intercast. what should i do?

    • profile image

      shruti 6 years ago

      hi victoria

      i think ur advice will surely b usefull and i juz want to share dis dat in my country our parents owe d responsibility for gettin us maried and

      wen u love sum1 and want to marry dem u have to convince dem n its pretty hard..........

      from my past relation n life i learnt dat my parents chose best for me frm my school to colg to bag to cloths...... dey served me wid best!!!!!! i think i shud nt try n leave on dem....

      wat do u think?????

    • Victoria Stephens profile image

      Victoria Stephens 6 years ago from London

      Hi shruti, Don't give up on finding love, there's someone out there for everyone as the saying goes. Takes things slow with your friend until you are both absolutely certain its what you

    • profile image

      shruti 6 years ago

      i had comitd 3 mistakes by choosing 3 wrong ppl for me

      and right now i m havin 1 who can b framed in above picture shud i try or stop

      n he s my very goooood frnd n he sometym gives me intution of livin togthr in future

    • Victoria Stephens profile image

      Victoria Stephens 6 years ago from London

      Hi Megan, that sounds very promising. I hope everything goes well for you and I'm really pleased to hear that things are clearer for you now.

      Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment, it's always good to hear a nice

    • profile image

      Megan 6 years ago

      WOW This is ah-mazing! I'm in love with a guy that puts a smile on my face every time I see him! It's been easy to be his friend and girlfriend, but I've been apprehensive about the future but after reading this everything seems so much clearer! THANK YOU!

    • Victoria Stephens profile image

      Victoria Stephens 7 years ago from London

      Hi Kim Lynn,

      Congratulations on 30 years of marriage! Every relationship takes a lot of work but it takes guts to stick through those times, work them out and come out stronger.

      Really appreciate you stopping by to have a read and for taking the time to comment. Thank you and best

    • Kim Lynn profile image

      Kim Lynn 7 years ago

      It is sad that many of us don't think of these before we get married. After 30yrs of marriage, I agree with everything you said. Our marriage is better than ever, but we had to work through a lot of stuff. Compromise and unconditional love are necessary for a loving relationship.

      Great hub with sound advice!




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