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Is Sexuality a Choice?

Updated on May 27, 2017

Everyday, it seems like the world is producing more and more terms to describe sexuality, from simply being gay or bisexual, to pansexual, polysexual or asexual as generally the most basic orientations. But really, can you simply 'choose' to be gay?


For me personally, sexuality can be fluid. Up until I was thirteen, I was convinced I was completely straight, 100%, no doubt about it. Looking back, I realise that there must have been some kind of underlying, built in prejudice existing in my sub conscience - I was perfectly happy to accept anybody else coming out, but myself? No way. Had to be straight.

Accepting Yourself Can Be Harder Than Accepting Other People Sometimes

All my friends told me I must be bi. Deep down, part of me knew that I was also attracted to girls. Even my then-boyfriend was convinced... but it took me a very long time to finally come out to my friends, when I was thirteen. But even then, I thought I was faking it. Part of me always thought I was pretending to like girls because I was 'supposed' to - it fits the stereotype of the sort of person I am. It wasn't until a year later, when I realised I had a crush on one of my close female friends, that it hit me - I actually do like girls.

And then it dawned upon me - what if the whole reason I was so uncomfortable with my sexuality, was because I was trying to pretend I liked guys? I've been with one cisgender male in my lifetime, two girls and two transgender males. However, Id been most comfortable with the girls, and people love to mention how I was clearly more attracted to people with female bodies...


It's Okay Not To Know

But still to this day, there are times when I feel like Im 'faking' my sexuality - whether it be my attraction to males or females. Ive recently come to think that maybe I am just a simple asexual - someone who doesn't feel sexually attracted to anyone, really. Or maybe Im panromantic, because when it comes down to it, does it even really phase me, what gender someone is?

It was at this point when I started to realise how separate sexual and romantic attraction could be. Ive found myself wanting to be in relationships with people regardless of their gender - a persons gender does not particularly matter to me. But when it comes to sexual feelings, I don't really think that much of it. I once told my boyfriend, sex is like a sandwich - you can make one really easily, and its nice, sure, but nothing will ever compare to a subway!


So..... Can You Choose Your Sexuality?

My point is, I personally have struggled with coming to terms with my sexuality, and after three years of experimentation, Im still extremely unsure! But Ive decided that the label I give myself doesn't matter - I don't need one. I like people for who they are, and my interest - whether platonic, romantic or sexual - is not majorly influenced by their gender. But what's important, is that you are authentically yourself. Be with whoever you're comfortable being with! Some people just aren't attracted to members of the same sex, and thats just as okay as the people who are. Sexuality is not a choice - Ive spent many long months trying to force myself to be attracted to someone who I just don't feel that way towards. You cant control your attraction to a specific person - it comes and goes. Most people have hat that moment of, 'oh shit, I have a crush on you!' But at the same time, imagine someone you don't like in that way trying to force you to be in a relationship with them. It wouldn't be comfortable, you just wouldn't work as a pairing.

Its the same with gender. If you're not attracted to girls, thats okay, and if you're not attracted to guys, thats okay too, whatever gender you are. Be true to yourself, because at the end of the day, your sexuality is just a small thread in the web of what makes you who you are. You cant control it, so try to accept what is.


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