- Gender and Relationships
Is Closure Important?
The most heart breaking (and frustrating) part of any break-up is not knowing why the relationship has ended. It can be difficult at best, to emotionally move on to the next relationship if you haven't received closure in your last. Many cannot move on at all until the wounds have fully healed.
When a break-up occurs, especially one that was sudden and unexpected, without any notification or reason why, it can be difficult to emotionally get past the experience without having any clarity as to why things ended.
As women, we will drive ourselves crazy trying to figure out what we did or said wrong to completely change the way a guy feels towards us. What made him change from once wanting us, to not? The inability to understand what went wrong can make you feel confused and sick to your stomach. You can literally feel as if you are going insane trying to rack your brain as to why his phone calls and text messages lessened and then eventually stopped, and why you weren't worth the respect of an explanation—at the very least.
Usually, when a mans actions—calling/texting several times throughout the day and making plans to see you, start to change, we confront the change—by asking. We ask, "is everything is ok?" (in general or with us/relationship). We ask, "is there anything I can do to make things better?" And we ask, "do you want or need to take a break?" The interesting thing, regardless of what you ask, you usually get the same generic answers, "I'm fine, everything's fine, and no I don't need a break from you"—right before the phone calls/text cease. Hmmm.
Most women have a distinct internal instinct to know when something is wrong. Frankly, it's insulting when a guy chooses to string you along and lie versus being honest. When a guy does this, it will cause you to mentally dissect every part of your relationship.
No matter how precise you are while going through your entire relationship with a fine tooth comb—every day, every hour, every minute you spent with him, you will never fully know why he ended things without actually asking him—and even then, you might not get an honest answer. Of course, if he chose the mature route and broke-up with you over a text message, voicemail or just completely stopped calling, trying to get a reason might not happen.
If the break-up was done immaturely, he's really not worth wasting your breath or time on. However, the one thing you don't want to do is become psycho girl—calling and texting him constantly, leaving crazy messages and showing up at his home or work, begging for a reason why. This ladies, is far from attractive and will only confirm in his head that he did make the right decision to end things, even if it wasn't something you actually did.
I know that it completely sucks to feel abandoned from a relationship that you thought was going great and potentially moving in the right direction. It's hurtful, it's ego bruising, it's heart wrenching and confusing. Although hearing your friends tell you, "it's not you, it's him," can be comforting, the reality is, you were not a great fit for each other and at the end of the day he did not see spending the rest of his life with you for whatever reason. Ouch! Yes, that is painful to hear, however the more honest you are with yourself, the quicker and easier it is for you to move on emotionally.
I dated a guy who would profess his love to me each and every time we saw each other, telling me that, "people search a lifetime to find the love we have." Since I am a hopeless romantic, and very naive at the time, I completely fell for him. He would sweep me off my feet with elaborate dinners, flowers, gifts, trips and many more romantic surprises. He didn't play games—we talked on the phone and saw each other on a consistent basis. He not only showed me how he felt with his words, but also his actions. I believed that I had finally found the one—until he broke up with me through a text message: "I'm sorry 2 leave u hanging but I've come 2 the decision that I just can't do or even think about a relationship right now. I feel terrible leting u down & I'm truly S.” Hmmmm, well that was an emotional mind-fu*ck to say the least, and a text message I will never forget. One day he was telling me how much he loved me, and then three days later I received his text ending things. Not cool. He couldn't even take an extra five seconds to spell out "Sorry." Wow!
Needless to say, I never received any real closure explaining why his feelings changed so drastically. It took me more months than he was worth to get over the pain and confusion of the whole experience—thinking I should have done this differently or that differently. At the end of it all (and once I was emotionally healed), I realized that he was obviously not the right guy for me.
The right guy would not treat my heart with such carelessness, disrespect and cruelty. If it were so easy for him to do something like that to me, I can only imagine what other harsh treatment he would be capable of in the long haul. As painful as the experience was, I definitely dodged a bigger bullet.
Remember, the right guy for you will be doing everything in his power to be with you and make the relationship work—regardless of whatever else is going on in his life, if he sees a future with you—he will work hard at makimg you a priority as well. If he isn't doing that, do you really want to sit around destroying the great experiences you had together in your head trying to figure out what went wrong? The conclusion will still be the same, the only difference is that you will devote too much emotional and mental energy having your own pity party, which in turn blocks the right guy from coming into your life.
Believe me, I'm not saying that you shouldn't take time to deal with your emotions—you absolutely should. The longer the relationship, the more time needed to mourn the loss—as well as getting angry for the way he handled things is important. Instead of playing the blame game, know in your heart that regardless of what you think you "did or didn't do," you cannot and should not allow yourself to live on pins and needles for any guy. Being your authentic self is a gift and the guy you are meant to be with will see this. No one is perfect...period!
Know that when a relationship ends it's not necessarily something you specifically did wrong. Many times the guy has decided that he doesn't have enough time to give to the relationship. Also, there could be someone else that he has developed stronger feelings for, or even more simply, he's emotionally unavailable.
Of course closure is important, as it gives you the understanding of what went wrong so that you can hopefully prevent the same mistakes from happening in your next relationship. But let's be honest—you might not always get it, and that's ok....that is why there are best friends, therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists only a phone call away.
Ladies, life is too short to be spending it with a guy who does not respect and value you enough to communicate when he's upset or unhappy. life is also too short to be dealing with men who think it's ok to emotionally shut you out. Regardless if it has to do with you or not, you deserve the courtesy of communication before he decides to end things with you.
Bottom line, sometimes, you have to pick yourself up, wipe the tears from your face (and heart), and emotionally let go of the situation (and him) in order to find your own closure. In the end, he wasn't the best match, but know in your heart...there is a guy who will be.