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Is He Committing...But Not Really?

Updated on September 14, 2015
Miss-Adventures profile image

My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.

When a guy is really committed to you, the relationship you have together will naturally progress. There will eventually be talk about the future—what that looks like for the both of you. There will be talk about children—if you want to have any or not—and if you do how many (what that approximately looks like). You will talk about living together—what country, state or area you want to live in. And, you will talk about marriage—getting married or if marriage isn't what you both want—committing to building an everlasting future together.

There is a big difference between a man who is truly committed to you and the relationship you have together versus a man who is committed to dating—basically anyone—while keeping it casual. Deciphering what type of guy you are truly dating can be hard to tell in the beginning since many men will tell you what you want to hear in order to date you and ultimately have sex with you.

Men who aren't "afraid" of commitment might tell you:

"I really want to be in a relationship with the RIGHT woman.”

"I want to wake up every morning with you."

"I'm ready for a relationship"

“When I find the RIGHT woman I will know it, I will feel that spark."

"Marriage doesn't scare me."

"I've looked a life time to find someone like you."

What woman—who wants to find love and be in a committed relationship—wouldn't be attracted to a guy who talks so openly about commitment? Add on the fact that you find him attractive, he's very affectionate in public, romantic, is close to his family and friends and he has nothing negative to say about any of his past relationships. It's like you hit the relationship jackpot. Unfortunately talk without action is just a way to keep you around so beware.

I dated a guy who told me that his last break-up was so "painful” since the last woman he dated was such a “great woman” but his work got in the way and tore them apart but he still thinks of her often. He told me that he was at that age where he was definitely ready for a long term commitment and marriage. All I could think about hearing him tell me this was "wow, what a sweet guy" and of course the underlying thought of ripping his clothes off and having passionate sex with him.

This guy definitely seemed like a good sincere guy and I was lucky enough to meet him. Who wouldn't want to be with a guy that can be open and honest about his past relationships and wants to settle down one day because he truly wants the whole marriage and family thing. The fact that he was so openly sharing all this with me I couldn't help but think that he was open to a commitment with me.

Not only did I feel that we were on the same life page, we also had great chemistry. When I was with him I felt this undeniable “spark” and kissing him was incredible. Every kiss overflowed my entire body with butterflies. This guy was different from other guys that I had dated before.

Every time this guy spoke openly about being able to commit all I could think about was, “IT'S ME! IT'S ME; I'M THE ONE YOU'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR!” What I didn't realize was that this guy was all talk. I will give him props, he knew exactly what to say—his words had me eating out of his palm. A great talker he was but at the end of the day that's all it was—talk with zero follow through.

I had no one to blame but myself. I saw what I wanted to see—hanging onto this beautiful picture he was painting—ignoring the obvious red flags that were right in front of me. One of the biggest red flags was when he told me—on our first date—that the only reason his last relationship (and I'm sure the others before) didn't work out was due to "his work getting in the way." Duh! So crystal clear (now) how did I miss that? I can tell you, I was spellbound by his extremely good looks.

Although this guy claimed he wanted to be in a committed relationship, he never took any of his past relationships to the next level or any level past dating—including ours. Since he had sappy stories and excuses—all which ended with how great the relationship was—it didn't dawn on me to think that it was his inability to commit.

A guy who has issues committing to the next level will definitely drag the relationship you are in as long as he can until you get frustrated enough to end things. He might even have you believe that the sweet thing(s) he says to you when no one is around still has to mean something, RIGHT? Wrong! Again, talk is cheap, especially if there is no action behind it. Wake-up!

A friend of mine dated a guy who also had a busy work schedule—not sure why that is a justifiable excuse. This guy claimed that many of his relationships—as great as they were—didn't work out because the women he dated weren't supportive or understanding in regards to his busy schedule. However, he told my friend that he envisioned himself being in a committed relationship. Hearing this, my friend didn't want to give him added stress or pressure like the other women he dated had, so she was mindful to not call/text a lot or pressure him for time. She also waited longer then usually before sleeping with him because they talked about taking things slow. Regardless of what she did to help the progression of the relationship he still never committed.

Ladies, drill this in your head: men will make time for what and who they want (period, period, Period!). If they want you they will do everything in their power to make that happen. If they visualize you as long term/marriage...there will be No hesitation. Also know, there are some men that like they idea of commitment over the actuality of committing.

Many men who have a hard time committing will give you clues by their actions:

  • He doesn’t want to spend money or time on a date—except maybe one or two dates in the beginning and that was just to woo you or get in your pants.
  • He enjoys spending time seeing you naked—and who knows how many other women. Sex ends up being your biggest enticement in order to see him.
  • There is always an excuse for why your relationship is never moving to the next level: exclusivity, boyfriend/girlfriend status or marriage.
  • His work is and always will be more important then you.

These "clues" are what keeps a guy from forming a commitment. Think about it, the more you go out with a guy in public, to dinners, movies, special events, etc., it can become natural for your relationship to move to the next level, which with a guy like this—is not something that he truly wants.

Many, many years later I bumped into the guy that I dated that claimed he was ready for a commitment and surprise, surprise he was still single and spewing out the same stories as to why—it was like déjà vu. Seeing as though he was in his 50s that was a huge bullet I definitely dogged.

Ladies, you will never get the best if you don’t truly believe you deserve it! If a man is ready and wants to commit he will just do it, no excuses, no stories, and no lies. If a man respects you, he will be straight forward. Most importantly Respect Yourself and know when to walk away! Now that's Commitment Ladies!

P.S. If you enjoy my writing, please help me become more known by clicking on the links above—Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn, and following me here on HubPages. I appreciate it! Sending you light and love! ;)


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    • profile image

      MaryRB 2 years ago

      Very insightful article. I really loved the message.

    • Safari Chic profile image

      Marlene 2 years ago from FL.

      Excellent hub! Wow! There is so much truth in your words. "Men will make time for what and who they want. Voted up+

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 2 years ago

      You said: "When a guy is really committed to you, the relationship you have together will naturally progress."

      I'm hearing a lot of women complaining about relationships that "aren't going anywhere". There is nothing magical that happens after the wedding day. If someone is "in love" with their mate they're not going to suddenly love them "more" because their title has changed from girlfriend/boyfriend to spouse.

      Over the years I've come to realize that (commitment is a behavior) and not a marital status. If someone finds them self in a loving devoted monogamous relationship that is built on a foundation of honesty and loyalty they're already in a committed relationship!

      There are lots of married people who don't have that!

      You can tell how committed a couple is by how they conduct themselves.

      Today a lot of women in particular are looking for a man who is "ready to settle down". The irony is men don't approach marriage as a "goal" or go "shopping" for a wife. The woman whom they are with causes them to feel like "she is the one" and then they propose.

      I believe there are two reasons why men don't propose

      1. Timing: They're not ready for marriage.

      2. She is not "the one". (Very few women acknowledge this)

      You can't determine you want marriage until you meet someone who is marriage material in (your eyes).

      Just because two people say they want to get married does not mean (they) should marry one another. :-)

      Marrying the "right person" is more important than finding someone who wants to marry you.

      One man's opinion!:)