- Gender and Relationships
Is He Only With You For The Good Times?
"Through the good times and bad...."—If only that were true with all men.
There are some guys who will be there for you when something disruptive occurs in your life, while other guys will bail and run for the hills when things get the slightest bit complicated in either of your lives. Some men simply cannot deal with complications or anything dramatic and will immediate shut down the communication and distance themselves from you when this happens.
Before deciding if the guy you are dating is someone you could potentially spend the rest of your life with, it's important to first know how he deals with situations where difficult times arise. Does he get overly stressed, shut down and push you out of his life? Does he create dishonesty about how he truly feels—telling you he wants to be with you, even though his actions are the complete opposite? Or, does he instead, let you in for mental, emotional and physical support—working with you to communicate how he is feeling to strengthen, save and build the relationship?
Relationships aren't always going to be easy. Yes, when everyone is happy and nothing dramatic is happening, relationships should be easy. Realistically, there are going to be some ups and downs—that's life. So, how does he treat you when there is something dramatic going on in his life or possibly yours? How does he act when he starts to question his feelings towards you—which naturally occurs in most relationship?
I have dated men who have completely shut me out when they were experiencing a difficult time. It's extremely hard to get close to a guy who shuts you out. Frankly, it puts the entire relationship on pause or into a possible permanent time out.
If the issue the guy is dealing with has to do with work, I have found that most men bounce back fairly quickly—unless they were fired. If the issue has to do with a personal or parenting issue, there are a lot of men who will push the panic button—they can't possibly give the relationship they are in any quality time while they are dealing with their own personal issues or their children's.
Hmmm....I didn't realize that a personal issue or possibly an issue dealing with a kid, together with being in a current relationship, would need to be such a black and white choice. Dealing with one or the other, but not both at the same time—causing him to check out. Has he never heard of "multi-tasking"?
How can a guy think that he will never have to deal with a personal issue when he's in a relationship? And when he does have to deal with an upsetting issue, is it fair for him to completely check-out of the relationship—keeping you on hold until he is ready to check back in—weeks or possibly months later? This type of behavior causes emotional distrust and will makes your emotional walls go up quickly.
When the issue has to do with his children, it's not as though he met you and then suddenly forgets he has children. Most children—no matter how great of a parent you are, will have issues and problems that are bound to come along, especially the older they get. Why date you, have you meet their kid(s), and then vanish out of your life the second a difficult problem comes along?
A man who is capable of creating distance easily, can also be capable of disappearing when something bad happens in your life. Is that the type of relationship you ultimately want? And, if children are involved, what type of message is that sending to them? Do his children think that you don't care, since you were around when things were good, but now that they are going through something difficult, you are no longer (not by choice) spending time with their dad and them—for possibly weeks, months or never? Will his kids end up thinking that it is ok for them to push away a significant other (or anyone who loves them) as soon as a difficult situation arises? Will this lack of communicating be learned?
Having a guy do a 180 so easily is really disruptive emotionally and mentally. Do you really want to be with a guy who one minute can't imagine even a few days going by without seeing you—until there is an issue, then the next minute he feels that it's acceptable to treat you like the plague. Not only does this feel crappy, it's also confusing.
I don't understand why it becomes so difficult for some men to juggle being with a woman while dealing with a stressful issue. It's like they can't chew gum and rub their belly or walk at the same time.
From my experiences, when a guy pushes you completely away during the difficult times—giving you the speech that he can't handle a relationship while dealing with major issues, it is because he is not fully emotionally invested. He either does not trust you or he doesn't see a future with you, or sadly, possibly both. There is also the possibility that he's emotionally disconnected—making communication utterly impossible. Either way, could you really deal with that the rest of your life?
There are bound to be times during a relationship when you start to question if the person you are with is right for you. This usually happens out of fear—causing you to look and hang onto flaws, so that bailing on the relationship becomes easier. The reality—no one is perfect and relationships take work.
I will admit, I have been guilty of looking for flaws to use as ammo to end a relationship. Since this was not my best attribute, I worked hard at communicating how I was feeling—the things that either bothered or would upset me, so that the guy I was dating would have a chance to fix or work on things—if he wanted. Unfortunately, this communication style, is not always reciprocated.
I have dated a few men who did not give me the same communication respect. Instead of letting me know when something I said or did rubbed them the wrong way, they would push their feelings under the rug—pretending like everything was great between us, while backing away emotionally. Lucky for me (and most women), men are not the best actors and our instincts are usually right on the nose. Men have a tendency of showing how they are truly feeling through their actions—or lack of.
It can be very frustrating, as well as emotionally upsetting and confusing to have a guy consistently make time for you, and then all of a sudden become busy the second something has upset him—while still trying to convince you that there is nothing wrong. Annoying!
Dating a guy who is only willing to communicate when things are great, but isn't willing to talk when things aren't great, is not worth your time and energy. When a guy does this, it can literally make you feel as though your hands are tied—nothing you say or do will change anything. It can also make you feel like you're going crazy—from his continual denial. You can clearly see that his actions have changed towards you, but he prefers to play dumb—what you're feeling and seeing doesn't exists. In order for a relationship to be successful, communication can not be one-sided.
I've heard more men complain that it's hard to find a woman that they can open up to. However, these same men end up being the ones who ironically have very poor communication. They will close themselves off from their significant other, as well as the relationship—never giving a woman the opportunity to be there or help resolve things.
Ladies, do you really want to be with a guy who will keep telling you that everything is ok, even when it's not? It's unhealthy to only be able to express the good things. If a guy is only with you for the good times, your relationship is doomed. The strength of a relationship is working together to overcome challenges. If he continually will not let you in and runs away when things get hard—it's a Huge, Huge, Huge Red Flag!
Bottom line, you deserve to be with someone who envisions a future with you. A guy who is not afraid to be vulnerable, and is willing to communicate with you. A guy who wants to fully share his life with you—creating a stronger union together....through good and bad times.