- Gender and Relationships
Is His Deflection The Reality?
There are some men who will deflect your issues you have about him back on to you. Great.
When there is a problem that you are trying to discuss with a guy who deflects, instead of seeing your point, validating how you feel, taking ownership or apologizing, he will turn the conversation around and blame you. He will tell you that you are nagging him, can't let things go or that you are talking "at them," in order to not only make you feel bad, but to also minimize and redirect—again blaming you—all of your concerns, problems and issues. By the time this guy is done you will think that you are truly the problem, not him. Hmmm...
Usually when a problem gets big enough that it needs to be discussed AGAIN, the real issue becomes he is not caring enough to truly hear what you are saying. He instead shuts down and keeps repeating the same cycle—basically, frustrating bullshit—over and over again—and then will act like it's your fault. Wonderful.
Here's the thing, we are all capable of working on ourselves and changing the things that aren't working in our lives and in our relationships—if we really want to. There might be a few things that are harder to change based on limitations that are out of our control, however, if that is the case it's important to be open and honest versus agreeing and then never doing anything about it or arguing to avoid dealing with the issue at hand.
Ladies we are damned if we do and damned if we don't...
A relationship can't grow if the communication doesn't exist or is limited. As women, we like to discuss things that are worrying, frustrating or bothering us versus keeping these emotions bottled up. Often we will "hint," suggest or give innuendos in hopes that he will clue into the problem and fix it so that we don't come across as being bossy, controlling or bitchy. Unfortunately, many men are clueless to this approach. Straight forward—although not always sweet, warm and fuzzy—is better than no communication at all...right? You would think.
Feedback can be hard for anyone to hear. Many men will have a difficult time with feedback, especially if they feel they are being criticized in ANY way and will immediately shut down—not hearing anything that you might be saying—pretending to listen but actually not. Then, there are other men who will immediately cut you off and will list all the negative things they can think of—about you and the relationship—making you feel as if you have done something wrong—even when the real issue was about him.
The interesting thing about a man who deflects is that he tends to only do this when he's guilty of something or when you are upset about something he has done. Otherwise, he will have no issues about you or the relationship to bring up.
Here's the thing, when there is an issue(s) that keeps reoccurring in a relationship, usually this is not the first time that it has been a problem. I'm sure if you had a crystal ball to look into his past relationships, what you are upset about most likely has occurred with others. This is usually apparent when a guy immediately takes offense to what you are saying or labels past women he has dated in a negative way. Not sure why (considering this is obviously not the first time) he is hearing what you are sharing since his immediate reaction is to become upset or display an abrasive reaction towards you.
Being with a guy who deflects his emotions onto you is very frustrating and hurtful to say the least. And, if you are unaware that he is deflecting it can make you also feel confused and at fault. So how do you detect a deflector? Pay attention, there are signs if you are dealing with one.
10 Signs Of A Deflector:
- He will never have a complaint about you until you have an issue—then he will suddenly have a whole list of issues regarding you and the relationship
- He will have extreme statements—"we ALWAYS fight" or "you're ALWAYS complaining"
- When you try to talk to him about issues concerning him—he will get very defensive
- Most issues you have don't get resolved—and when they do it's because you put in all the work
- He will interrupt and talk over you when you bring issues to the table
- He will rarely (or never) admit when he's wrong
- He will Rarely apologize—again because he doesn't think he's ever wrong
- He doesn't appear to be truly satisfied or happy in a relationship—his actions will be opposite of words
- He hears what he wants to hear—not what you are actually saying
- He accuses you of things he is guilty of or doesn't like about himself—his insecurities
***Basically ladies, deflecting can drive you crazy—making you think that what he is turning around on to you is actually your doing, your fault, or happening because of you. Yikes!
I dated a guy that was a huge deflector. If I brought up any concerns regarding him or our relationship he would attack me with everything that he didn't like about me or things that I was doing wrong. What was frustrating was that most of his "issues" he claimed he had regarding me, were overly exaggerated or completely fabricated. He refused to listen to my concerns or anything I was saying, therefore repeating—over and over again—all the things that were causing issues in our relationship. This became exhausting quickly and therefor caused the demise of our relationship.
When a guy immediately shuts down, flips the script on you or continues to do the same irritating, frustrating things this is a big Red Flag that he does not care enough about you to do the work—all relationships take work.
Ladies, if you are with a guy who thinks it’s OK to deflect versus discussing things maturely then he isn't worth your time or breath. Open and honest communication is a two way street and necessary for a relationship to be healthy and successful. Deflecting has no place in a relationship and the quicker you realize that, you can find your own path to self-truth and happiness.