- Gender and Relationships
Is It OK To Snoop?
Trusting someone can be extremely hard especially if you have had your trust broken before...
When you are in a new relationship there shouldn't be any reason not to trust a guy...Right? You are happy and he is doing all the right things—calling, making time for you, answering his phone/texts or returning your message in a short period of time, he plans things with you, he's thoughtful, he's romantic and the sex is great—but then things change...his actions fall far from being consistent.
When a guy stops being consistent—doesn't call as much or isn't making as much time for you anymore—it can make you question if there is something wrong—maybe, just maybe, there is another woman he is seeing or sleeping with. Having these thoughts can spark your curiosity, especially if you have asked him directly why he has pulled away and he acts like nothing is wrong and what you are feeling is all in your head. Really?! Interesting.
Ladies, we know that most of the time when a man does a one-eighty it's not in our heads and he has pulled back for a reason. Of course, it doesn't necessarily mean that he is cheating. He might have pulled away because he has realized that you are not the one (ouch), something that you have said or have done has turned him off majorly (yikes) or he finds others things—hanging out with his friends, going to the gym, playing recreational sports or working—more interesting than you (double ouch!). And, instead of telling you—since that could close off the highway to the "glory hole"—he decides to play the denial card. Also, if you are super sensitive he might be scared to say anything in fear of you going cray-cray. Seriously! Not being honest is what makes a woman feel a little crazy inside.
I get when this happens ladies you can feel that his actions give you reason to snoop through his stuff. Most of the time it's easier to believe that if he is cheating and you find information to prove this then you can walk away with more pride. Not true. But you convince yourself that if he's not going to be mature enough to talk to you, then maybe you will find the "real" answers by going through his things. Hmmmm....
Let's keep it real ladies, most of us have snooped through a guy's stuff—phone, emails, social media, his coat and pants pockets, wallet, drawers, car, etc.—looking for the confirmation we need to prove that he is actually lying or possibly cheating. But, is snooping really Ok? Absolutely not. Is it necessary? Sometimes.
I was in a relationship with a guy that I thought I trusted—even when he decided to play the "Houdini disappearing act" on me. I convinced myself that his bullshit reasons of suddenly being "really busy" after months of making time for me—no matter what was going on in his life—had to be truthful since he told me over and over again that he loved me. Men who proclaim love never lie....Good grief. That belief quickly changed when the disappearing performances became more frequent—making me question what (or who) was really taking up his time.
The question you need to ask yourself before snooping is, "If you don't trust him then why stay with him?" You're only setting yourself up for potentially finding something bad or more hurtful, and if you don't find anything—then you look like a jerk—giving a man a reason to label you as crazy. Either scenario isn't a good one for you.
Well, that didn't stop me. Regardless of the complete lack of distrust I was already feeling and the intuition that he was cheating I was still letting this man in my life so I felt that I needed to have proof that he was in fact being faithful. Why? I wanted to believe that regardless of how crappy he was treating me, if he told me he loved me then it had to mean something. Talk about lack of self-love—which I definitely had big time with this guy.
My snooping wasn't planned, it just happened. He never left his phone out unless he was right by it, so seeing it on my bedroom dresser was a huge surprise—and what I thought was also a gift from God—telling me to look. Since my ex was taking a shower I paced back and forth several times looking at his phone. I wasn't one-hundred percent sure of what to do and it was eating me up inside. Do I look through it or not? Will I find the answers I am looking for or is everything I'm feeling just in my head? As much as I wanted to know I also didn't.
I quickly picked up his phone and my hands started to shake...I was extremely nervous—my heart was beating so fast that I thought it was going to explode out of my body. I took five long deep breaths and then I flipped his phone open.
Since flip phones were the new hot invention back then snooping for me wasn't very hard since there was no "security code" access requirement and navigating was easy enough for a child to do. What I first found relieving—but odd—was that he had only text messages from me and these texts dated back from yesterday when we were discussing him coming to see me (he lived in another state). There were no other text messages on his phone—including the multiple sexy messages I had sent him in the past. Hmmm. He also had lots of contacts but since he owned his own company there was no way for me to decipher which women were business connections or not. So I put down his phone. What a relief...or so I thought.
Something just didn't quite add up and since he was still in the shower I decided to further investigate.
I picked his phone up again and this time I looked through his "photo section." The first three pictures that came up were of him....with a different naked woman in each picture. OMG! My heart stopped and I felt as if I was having a shocking outer body experience—filled with the reality of knowing what I already feared was true. Let's just say his shower was abruptly ended as well as our relationship. Did I feel better knowing? Honestly not really. I didn't need to visually see what my mind and heart was already telling me—very loudly.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of women who will still stay with lying or cheating men regardless of the "evidence" that they find. When I asked these women why, here are some of the reasons:
- Lack of self-love
- Would rather be with anyone versus no one
- Fear of being alone
- Opportunity to return the favor by cheating themselves
- To keep their family together
- Financial reasons
- He's the only guy she's ever been with so will stay regardless
Honestly it's very sad when we think that a guy who lies, cheats and treats us crappy is the best that we can do, that any relationship is better than no relationship. Wake-up! Instead of believing that we deserve better and letting go, we hang on tight for dear life to a disastrous, soul sucking, and happiness-destroying situation. Ugh!
Ladies, trust, being able to communicate, and feeling secure are extremely important in a relationship. The second any or all of those things stop—or start to come into question—especially trusting him, then that alone is the only proof you really need that he is not the right guy for you. Instead of wasting your time snooping—regardless of what you find or don't—know that you're creating drama and negativity that won't go away. Learn to trust your intuition. The man who is really worthy of your heart will protect it, cherish it, and not give you any reason to feel you have to snoop. Remember there is no need to be a detective when you are in a healthy relationship.