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Is It Wise To Have Sex With An Ex?

Updated on February 2, 2015
Miss-Adventures profile image

My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.

Sex with an ex-boyfriend can either be fun and easy or complicated and messy. You should decide very carefully which direction you want to go and what is ultimatly best for you—hopefully leaving less of a chance for misunderstandings and potential hurt feelings.

When you start to reconnect with an ex—that you are still sexually attracted to, it can be natural to think about jumping into the sack with him again. This can easily happen, especially if you are still single. Having possibly been on a sexual dry-spell for a while could also make him look even better (beware). Or, perhaps you are not the type to sleep with random guys you don't know—so sleeping with an ex again sounds perfect. Whatever your reasoning, is it a wise decision to start having sex with your ex?

If you are not particularly looking for anything too serious and you can separate your emotions from sex, then sex with an ex can be a passionate romp in the hay that you choose to partake in every so often. However, you should be very clear with your intentions before you begin something that could easily veer way out of control or give false representation of what you really want.

You've heard this before, "Sex complicates things." I'm not saying that it's impossible to have fun uncomplicated sex—you can, as long as you are both honest and up front about what you want and what your expectations are. If the lines are not clear and one person is hoping that sex will eventually lead to something more, things will more than likely become emotionally messy.

It's important to discuss what sex again will mean...

If you're going to jump into bed with an ex and you haven't had the "talk" first to make sure that you are both on the same page, you could end up putting yourself back on the emotional roller-coaster ride—that you remember, deep down inside. Don't be naïve. Just because he wants sex does not necessarily mean that he also wants to be back in a relationship with you. He may have no intention of ever being exclusive or even letting a possibility of marriage creep into his thoughts. Sex dos not always equate to love or winning his heart back. On the flip-side, if you were the one who ended things and have no interest in exclusivity or dating him again, then sex—if he's wanting you back, can be setting you up for an icky situation that can involve jealousy, possessiveness or possibly rage.

The problem with having sex with an ex-boyfriend is that things can potentially get emotionally messy. If you both agree that you want nothing more than a casual hookup, but then one of you starts to unexpectedly develop feelings again, then what? Or what happens if one of you starts to date someone else—can you just walk away without hurt feelings? Would you really be ok if another woman enters his life that he starts to develop strong feelings for?

If you can't separate sex from love, then jumping into bed with an ex is not for you. If you are not in a committed relationship with this person, or at the very least, working on mending the relationship on some level, things between the two of you can end up getting complicated and very emotionally messy. If you are unaware of what his intentions are or maybe you are unsure about what you really want...Don't do it.

One of my close friends bumped into her ex (that she still had feelings for), and she started hooking up with him again. She was glowing and happy. Yay! When I asked her if they were getting back together again, her gleeful response was, "we'll see." Unfortunately, she was afraid to ask him what re-connecting meant for him, "she didn't want to put pressure on him or scare him away." (Red Flag—if you think that having a talk is going to scare a guy away, He's Not The Right Guy!) What my friend failed to realize was, by not talking about what they both wanted, not only did her emotions continue to develop, he ended up breaking her heart (again) when he told her he met someone and wanted to peruse things with this other woman. Ouch!

Before having sex with an ex you need to know what this will mean, not what you think it will mean. Be smart, don't assume or you might end up getting your heart broken—again. Also, really think about what that would mean for you. Would you be ok if he did start dating someone new while he was still sleeping with you? Is sex all you really want or do you have underlining feelings? Would he be cool if you dated other men or does he assume that once you have sex you're off the market? If sex is all you want and nothing more, can you establish boundaries and stick with them?

Ladies, most women don't have the capability of separating sex from emotions—and that's ok. Be honest with yourself and with him. Trying to manipulate a guy with sex to win his heart back is not cool. If you are wanting a relationship again, just tell him—before sleeping together. I'm not saying that you might not slip and have sex first—strong chemistry can be hard to fight. But, shortly after or before it happens again....have the talk.

Bottom line, know your emotional limits. If you can have sex and not let feelings develop again, then great, have fun! But, remember to always be smart and wear a condom— if he is having casual uncommitted sex with you, what's stopping him from having sex with other women? His word..........don't make me laugh. If he wanted to have sex with you and only you, he wouldn't just be having sex, he would be in a committed monogamous relationship with you. If you’re not able to separate your emotions, be wise and leave the temptation behind.

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    • Dr Billy Kidd profile image

      Dr Billy Kidd 2 years ago from Sydney, Australia

      I write without thinking sometimes!

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 2 years ago

      Dr Billy Kidd, I apologize for the misunderstanding.

      It's just in your response to the Hub you began with:

      "Sex addicts will engage with almost anyone who is available--including exes." and then followed with:

      "That's because they go through withdrawals and need a sex fix."

      There was no inkling from those statements you believed it was possible for someone to engage in sex with an ex (without) being a sex addict.

      Sometimes people just have a hard time of letting each other go and it's wise to (examine one's motives) for having sex is what I got from the article.

      "Sex addiction" just seemed to come out of the blue.

      Once again I apologize for any misunderstanding.

    • profile image

      Mary RB 2 years ago

      Very interesting article with some excellent advice.

    • Dr Billy Kidd profile image

      Dr Billy Kidd 2 years ago from Sydney, Australia

      I've treated many sex addicts. Just because I mention it, and know that it is prevalent in society, doesn't mean I'm saying sex addiction is the only cause of returning to an ex. It's one among many causes.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 2 years ago

      Dr. Billy Kidd, I wouldn't go as far as to say anyone who is in the mood for some sex is a "sex addict".

      It's normal for most people to desire sex periodically. In fact it's fairly normal for couples to have sex two or more times per week.

      Just because one's relationship status changes doesn't mean that their libido has changed. Most healthy people would call it feeling "horny" not going through "withdrawal". :)

      A lot of people masturbate when they aren't in a relationship. I wouldn't call them sex addicts! This explains why the adult (toy) industry is a multi-billion dollar business.

      I believe a lot of folks choose to have sex with their exes simply because it's easy and familiar. And as it's been discussed some are in hopes of rekindling their old relationship.

      An addict in my opinion is someone who is so obsessed with consuming or engaging in a activity that they ignore their responsibilities. This may include no longer going to work, spending money designated for the household on their obsession, distancing themselves from family and friends, spending every waking hour thinking about how they acquire what they "need", or willing to break the law in order to get whatever it is.

    • Dr Billy Kidd profile image

      Dr Billy Kidd 2 years ago from Sydney, Australia

      Sex addicts will engage with almost anyone who is available--including exes. That's because they go through withdrawals and need a sex fix.

    • Miss-Adventures profile image
      Author

      Stephanie Bailey 2 years ago from Denver

      Thank you dashingscorpio for the Vote Up!

      Great points, especially, "Don't blame a guy for not turning down sex with you especially if he is an ex. For a lot of folks having sex with an ex is like visiting home." Very, very, very true!

      Thank you for reading and commenting. :)

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 2 years ago

      Voted up and useful!

      "Red Flag—if you think that (having a talk) is going to scare a guy away, He's Not The Right Guy! " - Very true!

      Most exes that have sex end up in a "booty call " or "friends with benefits" arrangement from one of their point of view.

      Generally speaking one of them hopes it will lead back to having a full fledge relationship. This is the person who usually walks away feeling "used" and more often than not it's the (woman) who was hoping for more.

      Don't blame a guy for not turning down sex with you especially if he is an ex. For a lot of folks having sex with an ex is like visiting home.

      Although it's very familiar it's not quite the same as when you used to live there. After moving out most people don't want to move back home.