- Gender and Relationships
Is Porn Helping or Hurting Your Relationship?
Pornography can be a touchy subject to talk about since it is viewed by many as filthy, disgusting, perverted and unholy. Is it the desire to view porn once in a while that's creepy or is it how often one watches it that makes it creepy?
For some, it's ok to look at nudie magazines like Playboy or Hustler, but, it's not ok to watch two (or three) people having sex on video/TV.
Whether you are sexually intrigued or sexually uneducated porn may fill the desire that you may be looking for—as long as it's not taken as a complete reality or an obsession. Certain things that are portrayed in erotic movies, are not meant to be performed in reality during foreplay—for basic hygiene purposes (men, never go front to back, to front again—no woman wants a bacterial infection).
It's one thing if pornography is viewed with a grain of salt—a tool to arouse or gain useful tips, it's completely different if there is an unrealistic expectation—sex isn't good unless you are acting out a porn scenario.
Porn is just that—two people acting out a part to fulfill a fantasy of the person watching.
In reality, women should not be expected to perform the same way as in a porn flick. Men should not think it's ok to subject women they sleep with—because porn gives them the impression to. It's one thing if two people have consented with each other—wanting to act out sensual desires, however, it should never be expected or forced.
There seems to be a certain type of guy who watches porn—especially if it's more than "once in a while." These men are labeled as creepy, unattractive, desperate and lonely—or so we think. Most men that I have come across that enjoy watching porn are in long term relationships, married—have children, and in some cases are divorced (not so surprising).
Would you find the guy you're dating less attractive if you knew he was watching a lot of porn?
When your dating or possibly married to a guy who views pornography more often than having sex with you—it can become an issue, especially if intimacy is important to you.
For many men, the reason why they view porn a great deal in their relationship is because they were not having sex often with their significant other. This is definitely not—nor do I think or agree as a justifiable excuse, especially if he's viewing it in a sneaky or secretive way. If she's unaware that porn has become his sexual satisfaction verses intimacy with her, then yes it is wrong. If you have a strong sexual appetite then why be in a relationship with someone that's not very interested in sex or is only comfortable with missionary position?
Although pornography can be considered more innocent than actually cheating, when you check-out of your relationship and fill it with something mentally and sexually stimulating, it's never a good sign. Again, why stay in a relationship or marriage that you are not fully happy in?
Hearing a man tell you that he watches porn, owns porn or has viewed porn before, should not be shocking. What's shocking is if he tells you that he's never watched porn before—hmmmm? The question isn't if he's watched or owns porn, the question and possible concern is—how often?
Is porn itself so horrific or is it the person who's watching it?
Every guy that I have known has watched and/or owned nude-flicks. However, there are various degrees to how often these films are looked at. Some men only watch porn a few times a year. Others, watch it a few times a month. There are those who have taken it a step further and watched it several times a week. Then there are men who have gotten so consumed with it— watching not only daily, but more than several times throughout the day. Wow! Having this knowledge of a guy you care about can be a bit much to swallow (no pun intended).
It's one thing if porn is enhancing your relationship. Maybe you are comfortable watching it together—bringing more sexiness to your love making. Or maybe his skills in the bedroom have improved due to viewing and also studying pornography to become the best lover for you. But, for some men, they take it way too far—getting so wrapped up in the fantasy, they cannot and do not know how to separate and enjoy the reality anymore. For many women this can feel as equally devastating as the actual betrayal of cheating.
First comes porn, then strip clubs, then hookers and possibly mistresses.
Men who feel that they need porn in order to feel complete have deeper issues then you can even imagine and should seek therapy or possibly sex addiction groups. When someone becomes obsessed or addicted with something, there may become a deeper need that has to be fulfilled—no matter what it is (strippers, hooker, etc..). Before that happens, you need to ask yourself, how important is your relationship, if you're not enough for him?
Bottom line, love does not equate to pornography. Porn is a fantasy—something that one can get caught up and possibly lost in. But, in reality connecting with someone: emotionally, physically and mentally, is what creates a lasting relationship. This type of connection and feeling surpasses any acrobatic positions you might be tempted to try. If porn is hindering more than helping your relationship, you might need to reevaluate what you really want and more importantly, deserve!