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Is The Effort Lacking Now That He "Has" You?

Updated on April 4, 2016
Miss-Adventures profile image

My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.

When the effort starts to diminish, so can the relationship...

It doesn't feel good when a guy goes out of his way to woo, romance and be there for you and then slowly (or sometimes abruptly) stops. Yes, this can be a big clue (red flag) that he has lost interest—because many times that can be the case—however, for some men, once they think they "have" you, they don't feel the need to try as hard to keep you. Wonderful.

Since many men are competitive in nature, the second they meet a woman that they like there is an instinctual driven goal—like a green light that goes off in their head (penis)—to "win" her. Once you are set as the "prize" they want to win they will put in all the sweat (charm), stamina (effort), and endurance (romance) to ensure a successful win. Unfortunately, the win for some men is short term—sleeping with you. For other men it is long term—marriage. And some in-between. So why does the effort slack?

There are many men who think that once they get the prize (you) they don't need to try as hard. For other men, it's more of a game—once they know you are actually interested they lose interest. There are also men who just get too comfortable and lazy once they are in a relationship. Great.

It's hard to not feel unappreciated when the effort a guy was once making toward you starts to lessen. Ladies, for many men this can happen when they have achieved their goal of winning you. This win can be sex driven, being in an exclusive relationship, or even marrying you. Their competitive need—because most men are competitive by nature—has been fulfilled and therefore no need for extra effort. Basically, he doesn't feel the pressure to work as hard to be romantic, do the little things to make you happy, or fully be present in regards to important things in your life, because those are things you do when you are wooing to get a woman. Really?

Here's the thing guys, you don't actually "have" her until you put a "ring on it," and even then... in order to keep her—"forever"—the effort still needs to be there.

I get there can be a sense of accomplishment that once a guy has "won" you over—you are really interested in him and your heart is invested—he no longer feels the need to try as hard to keep what he already has. Again, this is backwards thinking. If the effort stops so does the interest and eventually the relationship—no one likes to be taken for granted (and that goes both ways).

The one complaint I often here from women is how a guy will try hard—really hard—in the beginning to romance and keep the relationship spicy—putting in all the work to show her he cares—however, once the relationship becomes official—boyfriend/girlfriend status, engagement, marriage—the effort diminishes tremendously.

It's not rocket science...when there are more excuses given for Not wanting to make someone happy....that's a sign the relationship is going downhill on the path to distinction.

A friend of mine was dating a guy who worked extremely hard to win her heart. This guy planned dates, took her on trips, romanced her, was emotionally there for her, and did all the little things to make her happy. Once they became exclusive his effort faded. Every time they would see each other it was usually at his house or her house with no thought out plans—the romantic dinner dates out ceased. He also stopped doing the little things—carrying her bags, making dinner, helping with dishes, taking out her trash or fixing things around her house—things he used to do without her asking. Their relationship went from romance to no-mance very quickly. His reasoning—you do all those things to get into a relationship—but once you are in a relationship those things aren't as necessary. Hmmmm....Not surprising they are no longer together.

When you are in a relationship the reality is that it can become easy to get too comfortable—that you take for granted what you have and stop appreciating each other. Yes, I know that in the beginning of a relationship it's considered the honeymoon stage—where everything is blissful and happy, however that doesn't mean that the effort should entirely end. Realistically, the ga-ga "in-love" stage is bound to not be as extreme because life happens and issues arise. But, what would happen if—regardless of the ups and downs—you still both worked hard to keep each other happy?

I have many friends that are in heathy, successful relationships and when I have asked them what their secret is (besides open communication, trust, and being supportive—because those things are very important) they have all told me that effort is a big factor from both sides. Their husbands work—all the time—to help make their relationships fun, romantic and spicy—planning and keeping date night (where they go out), trips and get-togethers with friends and family. They also love to do special things for each other. Since most of my friends have children they said it does take a little more effort to keep the relationship special, however it's worth it. For them the effort isn't "work" since it makes them happy when their partner is happy.

Ladies if you believe that once a guy "has" you he doesn't need to try as hard...then you truly are settling. A man who cares and genuinely loves and adores you will not get lazy in the relationship. He will always see you as the prize that you really are and will work hard to keep you and the relationship on a healthy happy path towards a future together. Now that takes EFFORT and you are WORTH it!

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    • Miss-Adventures profile image
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      Stephanie Bailey 16 months ago from Denver

      Very true maryRB and thank you for reading and commenting.

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      maryRB 16 months ago

      All good relationships require committed work.

    • Miss-Adventures profile image
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      Stephanie Bailey 16 months ago from Denver

      Dashingscorpio I like your "one man's opinion" thank you for sharing and very good points that I completely agree on.

      Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 16 months ago

      You've hit upon one those non gender specific topics!

      It almost seems like it's human nature to treat "the new" better than the "tried and true". You see it with how people treat their new cars, new jobs, along with their new relationships. One old adage goes:

      "If you see a man opening a car door for a woman he either has a new car or she's his new girlfriend."

      It's amazing how two relative (strangers) get along so splendidly!

      You ever notice couples don't start having "communication problems" until after they have together for a while???

      It's the equivalent of moving to a new city and not getting lost until after you've lived there a year or two.

      During the "infatuation phase" both people tend to bend over backwards to impress one another. They delight in (anticipating) what she or he might want or like and then "surprise" them. It's there before you ask!

      Pleasing one another becomes each other's top priority.

      Every suggestion is greeted with a "yes".

      You believe you've met your soul-mate!

      In fact it is during this period of "infatuation" I tell people it's the best time to introduce any freaky or kinky thing you have in mind. LOL!

      The longer someone is with you the easier it is to say "no" to you.

      The first time he visited her apartment she asked him if he wanted something to eat. One year later he asked her if she would make him a sandwich and she said: "You got two hands! Fix it yourself!" LOL!

      It's almost a cliché to hear someone say:

      "He/she is not the same person I fell in love with."

      Although it may sound cynical to subscribe to this theory of discounting the first three to six months of a new relationship as being nothing but fun. However the reality is people don't start to reveal their "authentic selves" until after there has been an "emotional investment".

      Similar to a new employee making it past the "probation period". Now they believe it's okay to "slack off" a little bit. That's what commitment means to some people. Not long ago a woman on HP told me:

      "I'm so glad not to be in that (dating scene). Always having to worry about what you look like, say, or do. When you're married you can relax."

      My guess is a lot of folks view committed relationships and marriage as an opportunity to put in less effort while knowing their mate will stick by them. Apparently they're unaware the divorce rate hovers at 50%.

      The truth is there's no such thing as "neutral".

      You're either growing together or growing apart.

      When we change our circumstances change.

      One man's opinion!:)