- Gender and Relationships
Is Your "Picker" Off?
When you start dating man after man— all of which have stories with the same ending, most likely, you are picking the wrong type of guys.
It can be easy to pick the wrong men, especially when you are unaware that you are doing it. Some women are just plain clueless. They will think that as long as each guy they date looks different from the last one, then they aren't choosing the same "type of guy." Although looks can have something to do with it, looks alone doesn't define the type of guy that you are attracting.
How do you know if you are picking the wrong type of men? Look at your history and compare it to what you say you really want in a guy and ultimately—in a relationship.
Are you attracting men with pre-determined endings? Are you attracting men who are emotionally unavailable? Are you attracting men who continually put you low on their priority list? Are you attracting men with over-the-top drama? Are you attracting men who are narcissistic? Are you attracting men who are unable or unwilling to communicate? Or maybe, you're attracting men who think its OK to insult, devalue or control you? Since the way you choose men ultimately begins with you and what you feel you deserve, it can be easy to create a "picker" that is off. But, you should keep in mind that you have absolute power to change this pattern.
Knowing your own self-worth is the key. When you don't love yourself and frankly, will tolerate bullshit behavior over and over again, you will keep attracting this undesirable type of man. It's not as though there aren't plenty of quality men out there, but you will never notice if you think that only one type of guy will like you. Many times, in order to pick a quality guy, you may need to step out of your comfort zone and take a chance and choose a guy who is the opposite of what you have always thought was your perfect type.
Yes, sometimes choosing the guy who is not as exciting, more stable and doesn't come with lots of drama attached can feel too safe or possibly boring. Is the drama, the consistent fighting, and the roller-coaster relationship more fulfilling? Does it feel good to have men who are unwilling to commit over and over again? Do you enjoy doubting yourself? Do you enjoy feeling insecure, worried or depressed from the relationship you are in? How does he ultimately make your heart feel?
Until you can become more focused on the qualities that you want to reap in a relationship, you will keep attracting the characteristics that you don't want.
Although there are many women who seem to be unaware that their "picker" is off, there are even more who actually know that their "picker" is off, but continue down this road of self-depreciation. They know they are choosing men that are not right for them, but their stubbornness, lack of self-awareness, worth and false hope—believing that one day magic will flow through the air and make this type of guy (that they continue to pick), somehow, different from the rest. Good luck with that, it's a pipe dream.
Most women, at some point in their lives have developed a "picker" that was off. Often, after many unsuccessful relationships, they will fix their "picker"—usually with the help of friends, family and a great therapist. I have definitely been down this road and although my "picker" still isn't perfect, it's much more reliable than it has ever been before. For this to happen it required a lot of trust in myself to stop choosing the men I was drawn to.
My "picker" was on a very steep downhill spiral. My Dr. (Dr. Redd) would consistently tell me, "your picker is off." Boy (no pun intended).... it was! Every guy I chose had the same story—emotionally unavailable who lacked miserably in the communication department. Perfect. You can tell that I was setting myself up for long term success.
The problem with my "picker," was that my ego thought that once these men would meet me, they would be ready to commit for the long run—because I was different from other women. I also assumed that if communication was great in the beginning (honeymoon stage), it would last. Wrong. Needless to say, I had failed relationships—one after another. I literally became a broken record and my break-up song became exhausting to hear. I was cycling through more men than I cared to admit, but I didn't think it was me. How could it be? I was way too wise to pick men who were wrong for me. Ironically, when your "picker" is off it means that you are not making wise decisions when it comes to love. In fact, it means the complete opposite.
The common denominator in all of these relationships was me. If I'm picking the wrong types of men can I really blame anyone else? Maybe. However, that might be the excuse for the first few men—since I wasn't aware of my pattern or that one even existed to change it. But, after therapy and realizing the type of men I was attracting, the blame was solely mine.
If I'm choosing to pick men who are emotionally unavailable, can I really complain and cry when things don't work out? I had to change the men I was attracting (stat), if I wanted any hope of finding a quality guy.
Changing the type of men you date is easier said than done. Again, it's not always the physical that is attached to the attributes (or lack of) that a guy can have. When you see the things that have come up in your past relationships start to enter into your new ones—which caused the demise—learn that this is a sign that your "picker" is off.
Don't be afraid to be open and honest with yourself. When you do, you will waste less time on the wrong men—regardless of how good looking the guy is or all the future promises he makes to you. It will not matter how great his representative is in the beginning of dating. Simple fact, if you are not getting what you want from him, such as, trust, emotional security, unconditional love, communication, honesty, etc..., there is no way for the relationship to move forward and grow stronger. If this is the scenario, do yourself a favor and move on.
Learning how not to pick the wrong men, means that you have to be aware of the type of men you are choosing. In order to figure this out, you need to make a list. List the qualities that these men have that haven't been working for you. This list will help you recognize your pattern. Yes, sometimes these patterns will be in men who have similar looks, physics or stature. If that is the case for you, then maybe you might need to tweak the type of guy you are physically attracted to. This doesn't mean that if you are attracted to physically fit men, you now need to choose men who are overweight. It means that maybe they don't have to have rock hard bodies, but instead, they are athletically toned.
I have a friend that would pick bad boys that were full of drama. For her, they all had GQ physics, tattoos and similar careers. They all happened to be controlling, baby mama drama and short tempers. Yikes! Once she recognized her pattern, she decided to stop dating men who had similar appearances—which in-turn, followed with having more successful relationships. I'm not saying that all men with tattoos and great bodies come with drama attached. However, the energy my friend was creating attracted these type of men. Once she became aware—starting off with their looks, her "picker" changed, attracting more quality men.
Ladies, when you are desperate for love your "picker" will continue to be broken. Trust your instincts, your gut and the pile of red flags—that you are most likely choosing to ignore. We feel, see and have these clues in order to let us know that the men we are choosing are not our happily-ever-after. Listen and know your worth. When you do, the right guy will end up choosing you.
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