- Gender and Relationships
Is Your Relationship Lacking The Big O? -Stephanie Bailey
How many is too many times to not have an orgasm with a man you are sleeping with? And what is the best way to communicate your needs?
Talking about a man's performance in the bedroom is a sensitive and touchy subject. A man's ego can be easily bruised when discussing his performance (or lack of performance) in the bedroom.
If you are like me, and don't have orgasms at the drop of a hat (or while riding a horse, during a small earthquake or from the vibration of a washing machine) then it might take you a little longer to have an orgasm during sex. For me, I do not have orgasms every time. I'm sure there might be women out there who do, but I have yet to meet one.
For many women, being able to orgasm is directly tied to their sense of comfort, trust, and connection. If they do not feel these with the man they are sleeping with, dating, or in a committed relationship with, they will often not reach orgasm.
Although no relationship is perfect, what should you do when you start dating a guy that you are extremely attracted to, who makes you feel sexy, important, protected, valued, and makes time for you, but is unable to bring you to orgasm?
If you had a check list of all the attributes that you want in a man, and you met someone who meets the majority of them, but falls short in being able to bring you to orgasm, what should you do? Maybe sex with this man is really good—really, really good. Maybe he knows how to hold and where to touch you. Maybe his foreplay makes you crave more....he seems to be a very giving lover, so why no orgasm?
Not reaching orgasm may be mental. There is something happening that has caused you to disconnect. Maybe it is the location of your lovemaking, maybe it is because you are tired, or maybe you have a gut feeling that you should not be with this man. Not reaching orgasm may also be physical. Maybe you are unable to relax, or even though he seems perfect, chemistry is lacking in the bedroom.
If it seems like none of the above reasons fit your situation, remember some women just need their OWN helping hand. When this is the case, correct positioning is key. It can be extremely frustrating when your hand is in motion, the guy is on top, and then he puts his entire weight on you—causing your hand to cease motion moments before you are about to orgasm. What did he think you were doing down there? Touching yourself only for his pleasure? And when you try to change positions—you on top, he's not willing to move, what's a girl to do? No one wants to ruin the moment by yelling "move your body back" or "hey my hand is stuck and cramping".
When attempting to have an orgasm always takes extra work manually, it is frustrating, and starts to feel like a job. You need to figure out a way to communicate your frustrations with your partner. If your lover is not paying enough attention to realize (or care) that you have not had an orgasm, or that you are having to do the work for two, it can be a little disheartening. It would be one thing if he were a Quickdraw or a complete selfish lover—never giving but always expecting. Then you would know he wasn’t the one for you, but what do you do when he may not realize what is happening? For example, maybe he is giving, but still falls short because of positioning. Maybe he is great at foreplay, but needs to continue it a little longer? He may be slightly selfish, or he may not realize what is happening. In this type of situation, what should you do?
If the sex is good and you're like me, having an orgasm every time is not essential. But, when you never have one, the question is does he not care, or does he actually think you are climaxing (even though there are definitely no fake orgasm noises to mislead him!)? This is when communication becomes important.
You will never know if it is his lack of caring, or if he is just caught up in the moment and doesn’t realize, until you talk with him. It is not fair to just assume or guess. If your relationship is lacking an orgasm, give him the opportunity to redeem himself by expressing your needs, and seeing his reaction. Find a sexy yet respectful way to let him know what your needs are, and share ideas on how to meet them. In the heat of the moment, it can be hard for some men to be fully present and aware, that is why it is important to voice exactly what you need, even if it is a hard subject for either party.
Ladies, if he is a keeper, he will listen and try to make the necessary adjustments to help you achieve the big O. If not, maybe your mind and body were trying to tell you something—it's time to kick this orgasm snatcher out of your bed!