- Gender and Relationships
Is Your Relationship Moving Too Quickly?
Let's be honest, who doesn't get excited at the thought of possibly meeting a guy who thinks that you are the perfect match for him—"the one." No more meaningless one night stands. No more dates that make you roll your eyes and think, "Seriously!?" And no more dating guys that seem to have more dead ends to a potential happily-ever-after.
Finally, it's your turn. You have met a guy who looks at you like you are everything to him—restoring the belief that there is love at first sight (or after a few dates). The best part, he doesn't freak out talking about future stuff. In fact, with this guy—he's the one who brings it up (freely). Hip, Hip Hurrah!
It feels incredibly amazing to not only know there is someone out there who is thinking about you, just as much as much as you are thinking about them (or possibly more), it's also a relief.
When you have things to talk about—commonalities and mix it with chemistry and great sex—this combination definitely starts to solidify that maybe, just maybe, this guy will be your forever.
Although realizing that this person could be a keeper, how do you determine if this relationship is moving at a healthy pace or possibly too fast? You don't. However, there are usually some basic signs that your relationship might be heading on the fast track to love—which in many cases leads to disaster.
Signs that your relationship might be moving too quickly within the first month or two:
- He says, "I love you" and you haven't even dated a month. Love is strong—a meaningful as well as a powerful word and should only be said if truly felt. How can you honestly love/be in love with someone that you barely know? For some people this word leaves their lips as quickly as "hello" or "thank you." Beware—this could be a big red flag that your relationship might end as quickly as it began.
- Planning trips after only a few dates. This might sound exciting, but what are his expectations and will you still like him by the time you go?
- Suggesting that it's ok to leave things at his house or he asks to leave things at yours (marking his "territory").
- Receiving lavish gifts after your first date. What girl doesn't like to receive flowers delivered to her home or job after the first date or few? Flowers are one thing, but if flowers turn into several bouquets at once, or attached with Godiva chocolates and jewelry—the excitement he's creating so quickly has unrealistic values.
- After a few weeks you are being introduced as their boyfriend or girlfriend and you haven't officially had the "talk." Although this might seem sweet—shouldn't you discuss this first?
- He wants you to meet his family after only a few dates.
- The topic of moving in together happens within a few weeks of dating. Although it is important to live with someone in order to see if you are compatible before marriage, living with someone too soon can be a recipe for disaster—especially if you get out of your lease, possibly sell some of your things and move in with him. If the relationship doesn't work, do you have a backup plan for where you will live?
- Marriage is the #1 topic and you already know the exact details for the big day. Yikes!
- You talk about kids—their names and how many you will have by the third date.
- You’re looking at furniture on your first weekend date.
- He's cleaned out a drawer and closet space for you to use at his place after a few sleepovers.
- He asks you to be his wedding date to a wedding that's 6-8 months away and you've been dating 2-3 weeks. Making plans this far in the future is a lot of pressure.
- Giving you an endearing "pet" name within the first week of dating.
- Having 8-10 dates in a two week period and he tells you that he can't imagine his life without you. This lightening speed is bound to explode!
- Meeting his kids on the second date (or within the first month). This might feel flattering, but are you ready to take that emotional responsibility on?
When a guy is rushing the relationship to the next level, you need to ask yourself, why? It can be easy to get caught up in the romance and excitement of being with someone who seems so sure about you, but will this feeling last, and for how long? Does he have a pattern of rushing into relationships with every girl he dates? Does he fall in love easily?
I have dated several men that tried to rush our relationship quickly. After a few dates they wanted to call me their girlfriend, after a few weeks were confessing their love to me, and after a month (sometimes less) they wanted me to move in and "talk marriage." Eek! Although this might sound excitingly romantic—because it felt like that at the time, it wasn't in the end. These men were so concentrated on rushing to the next level with me, they didn't realize that they didn't really know me. This was an inevitable disaster—like seeing a car about to crash right in front of your eyes, but you don't know how to stop it.
When a guy doesn't really know you, how can he be so sure that you are what he really wants? He usually doesn't, and therefore freaks out—breaking-up with you, suddenly stops calling or does the disappearing act.
It can be easy for a guy to get consumed with physical beauty—assuming that's all you are. That is why it is so important to not rush the dating cycle. Date for awhile and spend as much quality time getting to know each other, so you can determine if you are truly the right match for each other. If the "honeymoon" stage goes from 100% to 20% after only a few months, it is never a good sign. The way a guy treats you shouldn't change so dramatically from the time you first met, to six, eight or twelve months later. If it does—this is a Big Red Flag!
Don't get me wrong, I'm not cynical. I definitely believe that love at first sight can exist. I believe that two people can look at each other and know in their hearts that they belong together. However, these days when you hear about love at first sight actually lasting, it occurred in a different time and place, when people actually worked hard to keep their relationship lasting. It wasn't based on pedestal syndrome—falling in love with the idea of someone, it was about spending quantity and quality time to really get to know one another......to build and strengthen the foundation of a relationship.
Ladies, as hard as it is not to get sucked up in the romantic fantasy, the true measure of any guy is when you have been dating for at least 6-8 months. The honeymoon phase dissipates, you start to see their true colors and can determine from there if he's really a keeper and if the relationship will ultimately work. It's important to enjoy the process versus rushing to get down the aisle. If the relationship is meant to last or not—only time will tell.